»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #44
»
Quest for Grace (2nd revision)
| Open Poetry #44 |
|
Quest for Grace (2nd revision) |
|
|
Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
In the inner court aborning fog adorned the cold March morning Treading paths of herringbone eroded bricks toward that place Seen in one disturbing vision, at the time of the collision, In my mind a sharp incision time would neither purge nor case, On my quest of revelations, labyrinths I’d have to trace: Track a lady christened Grace. Eerily, no sound would hustle sacred mystic nature‘s rustle, Hooded crows there pillage garbage as black cats deer mice deface; Swiftly northern winds were steaming, frozen sparrows started screaming, In the sky a pale sun gleaming through the haze-invaded space, Molecules of smoke and humus polkaed deftly on my face; But of Grace there was no trace. When I reached the stairwell landing, torn face bricks my conscience branding With awareness that I’d timely leave behind the human race; T’was so still you’d hear the echo of the motions of a gecko; On the inner walls a secco, on the floor a broken vase And some weathered relics from a golden age we can’t replace: Then I heard a double bass. As my heart was wildly pounding, treacherous slanted winders rounding Leaden double bass still droning, charcoal sweat flowed down my face; As I dropped, a decrescendo while my pulse reached a stringendo, Clammy walls gave innuendo there my ghost I would encase, My remaining lifeblood wasted in a fatal chase for Grace; On the wall there leaned a mace. Rusty shovels draped with dank clay, in a spandrel on red shale lay, Through a cleft I saw a shadow, could it be the one of Grace? It was then I heard a rumble as the string of stairs would crumble, Walls shook plaster off in tumble, disinterring hoar high place As I clutched the cast iron handrail, dangling feet in empty space - Struggling to the spandrel brace. I heard voices that lamented from a regal sulphur-scented Hall whose walls the still lifes of Picasso and Cezanne would trace, In the corner black antique hearse, blanketed by scrolls of dark curse, And graffitied with Rimbaud’s verse, sketches of the Virgin’s face; Soon there closed a lady donning frock made of Chantilly lace: Thus appeared my lady Grace. Ashen was her smooth complexion, and her visage pure perfection Though coagulated blood anointed her angelic face; Her plush breasts and tempting lush hips matched her charming purple full lips But her neck and shoulders bore rips that e’en time could not efface; On the ebony four-poster bed I was soon laid by Grace, Strongly held in her embrace. First as hard and cold as marble, murmuring exotic garble, She was like basalt that fused and melted, bonding in embrace; And inside her flowed pure manna as she wildly cried “hosannah” In the temple of Diana, love profaning sacred place; Thus my conscience captured in the existential prisoner’s base, In temptation of her grace. “Welcome, darling, to the life’s trough, realm where reigns the death’s-head hawk moth; Trapped between Sheol and foul Gehanna is this Hilbert space: Yon Rosetta stone unravel would amount to naught but cavil, Long ago was struck the gavel“, in my ear would whisper Grace With a kiss suppressing pining to rejoin the livings’ base; In a coma I’d found Grace. |
||
| © Copyright 2009 Marc-Andre Germain - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Mark, I would strive for more simplicity and clarity in this poem. Bobby |
||
|
Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment, Bobby. I admit that the last stanza is arcane, but the narrator does find himself into an arcane place...It probably requests the reader to look into what's there more deeply. Once that is done, then the question is whether it could have been written more simply to the same effect. Elaboration could become tenuous in such a demanding meter and rhyme scheme, at least in terms of my own capabilities. I welcome all criticism, either good or bad (as long as the bad is supported, and therefore instructive in one way or the other). Mark |
||
|
Robert E. Jordan Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541Philadelphia, Pennsylvania |
Yo Marc-Andre, Sorry I bothered you. Bobby |
||
|
Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Bobby, Your input is valued here, and you haven't "bothered" me. I have realised that some of my poetry is obscure to the reader, and that it is something I need to work upon. Personally, when I read someone else's work, there are times when I feel the elevated (for lack of a better term coming to mind) vocabulary and mythological references enhance the poem,and there are also times when I feel it could have been made simpler without sacrificing the beauty of the piece. My questions are such: based on the metre, rhyming scheme and content of this poem, is it more obscure than it needs to be? Has any vocabulary or mythological reference search brought disappointing results (i.e., it didn't affect the appreciation of the piece)? Is the syntax unwarrantably convoluted? Could you give me an example (stanza or single line) that, while adhering to the form and the same narrative, could have been made simpler and clearer? Obviously, as I have penned this, it is all very clear to me. But poetry is a communication tool and this is where the reader's feedback is invaluable. Thanks for reading  Mark |
||
Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
This is among my favorite poems here. It thrilled me to read it out loud and I felt like I was part of a mystery. I liked how I was allowed room to let my imagination build and fly with the words. I particularly loved the internal rhyme and meter. It's a fun poem to read out loud. Guess I said that already - but, oh well, it's true and I am tired. Thank you for sharing this one, Marc-Andre. Alison |
||
|
ethome Member Patricius
since 2000-05-14
Posts 11858New Brunswick Canada |
Marc You know it's different strokes for different folks and this is a beautiful poetic work. It shows a tremendous amount of talent. Present and coming in the future. Take care Eric |
||
|
Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Alison, thanks for the nice comments. I'm glad you're enjoying it, it gives this poem reason to be Eric, thanks for the nice comments and encouragement. Indeed, I think it would be an unrealistic self-expectation to please every one. I personally enjoy the literary, and I like to study a piece at least as much as to read one just for a beautiful moment. From the feedbacks I have received since I began posting, I have realised that there is a want of clarity, at least to a certain audience. I do mean to work on this, to make (some of) my stories more "accessible." The question that remains, on those pieces that are aimed at those who enjoy the literary (for lack of a better term coming to mind), is there unjustifiable complexity? Is the syntax at fault? Did I create an interest to delve into a dictionary, a certain myths etc.? If not, why? Were the "stakes" of the story too low? And so on. I do hope that Bobby will eventually come back and drop a line on that, I feel that there is something to learn and my "ambitious and greedy" self wants to get it! Negative criticism, when supported, doesn't bother me at all; on the contrary, I welcome it.Have a marvelous day! |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
