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Open Poetry #36

my excuse of a home

crimson tear
Member

since 2003-06-07

Posts 76
Massachusetts

0 posted 2005-09-27 03:08 AM

My screams hang dead in the air
they've fallen on deaf ears
this uncaring world is tiresome
all my false friends say there's better days to come
so i keep moving against the grain
story of my life the only way i've ever known
they say get out there and make it
it's all there for you, you just have to take it
i reach for the ring all my fingers touch is air
i'm left alone and all i have is fear
so leave me to bleed on the concrete
i lie face first in the pool of my defeat
another week and nothings changed
another week wrapped up in your chains
my hearts blood stains your whip
but i'm not giving up
i just keep grinding through your day
this world belongs to you
there's nothing we can do
when we try to rise you push us back down
these city streets are all i've ever known

[This message has been edited by crimson tear (09-27-2005 06:49 AM).]

Margherita
Member Seraphic

since 2003-02-08

Posts 22236
Eternity

1 posted 2005-09-27 07:28 AM

Dear Shane, this is a powerful outcry with some really strong poetic images like

"i lie face first in the pool of my defeat
"

You don't give up, that's the best conclusion for this rather dark and pessimistic write.

Love,
Margherita

Professor Gloom
Member Elite

since 2000-07-23

Posts 3082
of Depression

2 posted 2005-09-27 07:39 AM

Aaa
Might you not spread out the images
Just a little

My screams lie dead in the air
A ghost just floating there
Yet to fall on ears of the caring
Their agony left not sharing;
False friend just say
They’ll come a better day
As they ignore my screams
Just as they ignore my dreams
So I keep pushing against the grain
A forward momentum to maintain;

And so on
You might consider
Stanzas
Or splitting into different poems

Don’t take this as I don’t like
Or understand you feelings

I know bloody streets all too well
I live on one

Gloom

crimson tear
Member

since 2003-06-07

Posts 76
Massachusetts

3 posted 2005-09-28 01:34 AM

thanks guys

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