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Open Poetry #35
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Portrait of Love (Please read and review)
| Open Poetry #35 |
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Portrait of Love (Please read and review) |
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poe Member
since 2004-09-06
Posts 180Heading to China 
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My brush gently caressing the canvas As I pull it away an eye stares back Feverish are my brush strokes A perfectly sculpted nose appears The cigarette in the ashtray dwindles away While a face begins to come to light Gentle and soft are my hands in doing this Though not as much as the skin of my creation Hair as if woven from silk, sits upon this angelic face The sun awakens from its slumber As my eyes focus solely on the canvas A body of perfect construction begins to unfold My brush traces down to her fingertips My coffee from the night before sits untouched I out line her legs with the goose bumps on my arms I step back and admire my magnificent creation Though I can not take credited for it God was the artist on this occasion For I simply painted a portrait of my love I lay my brush down Climb back into bed To lay next to my inspiration My beautiful Mona Lisa Tomorrow comes for those who fear it. Today never ends for those who live it. |
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| © Copyright 2005 Poe Wilson - All Rights Reserved | |||
MGROVES
since 2004-02-01
Posts 3802california |
beautiful~ an awesome write  |
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iliana Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434USA |
I really like this. Keeping it on a shelf. .....jo |
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ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
This is magnificent in it's sensuality and warmth. How beautiful the picture, and how beautiful the love. TD |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
While reading this, could not help but picture.."The Girl with the Golden Ear Ring" Lovely visuals and enjoyed the calmness of this. |
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ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
Another read welcomed. Back up where this belongs. |
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EvocativeVerse2 Senior Member
since 2003-09-10
Posts 1279 |
I especially don't like offering guidance, for one never knows how that advice will be taken, and yet the composition asked to be critiqued so here goes. Firstly the abstraction is excellent, deserving of the undertaking. Nevertheless I find that the word, "my," is used far too often within the argument of the verse. Secondly the poem reads more as prose instead of legitimate poetry. Try mixing it up with line breaks and punctuation. Seriously...I liked the idea...but the words themselves came across as unseasoned. I felt like I was reading an essay from my 14-year-old daughter. This indisputably is a pleasing abstraction it just needs some cleansing within the body of the text. I would polish the composition by means of a thesaurus thusly tightening and refining the language. I am apologetic for this is probably not the kind of acclamation you were seeking, but the title did ask that the poem, "be reviewed," and as a scenarist I am offering unadulterated counsel. Hope my rejoinder does not turn you from creative writing. Keep it up... “Practice makes perfect.” |
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poe Member
since 2004-09-06
Posts 180Heading to China |
Thank You very much, MGROVES Thank You, iliana I am glad it was good enough to be set aside. Huge thank you to ThisDiamond. Your description of the poem is far greater then the visualizations I put in the poem. I am glad that you decided to read it twice and again thank you for believeing my poem should be up at the top. Thank You, LeeJ I am glad you enjoyed it. Thank You for critique EvocativeVerse2. I do have to agree with you that the word "my" was used far too often. Your comment on the poem being prose, can be summed up quite easily. This is a rough draft, the poems in which I post are fevered expressions. I choose to get it out, before I start to edit it. I know alot of people like using a thesaurus, but this book is not for me. I tend to feel that peppering up my poetry with words that are not truly mine, steals from its orginality. Do not be apologetic, I requested for this to be reviewed. In life not everything you will here is going to be acclaim. I can not be detered from poetry, I know I am only young. I still have lessons to learn. I again thank you for your review. Tomorrow comes for those who fear it. |
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*Alli4000*
since 2004-03-21
Posts 3188The World of Poetry |
Beautiful!  ~Alli~ *AIM = Alli4000* Journal! |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
You rendered the fever of passionate creating very well ... I love it. Love, Margherita |
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Susan Member Ascendant
since 2004-03-27
Posts 5104walking the surreal |
The passion in this - the ardor - wonderful- with a little reconstruction, this has fantastic potential - I have to agree with Kevin about a little more structure - perhaps reading it aloud and seeing where your pauses and breaks are - some editing for flow - On the over all, however, I always look to heart expressed and this has great heart - Much enjoyed - Susanbtw - the thesaurus and i are hooked at the hip - it can be a good friend if you let it  (smiling and a bit of jest here)If I wander far enough, long enough, will I finally know . . . |
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ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
In all honesty, I humbly submit that this piece has captured me. I wanted to add a bit more perspective for the author. When I read this, I felt the emotion as if it poured the words on the page. Striking in it's honesty and purity. No different words or tighter format would have captured the fever of the night, the artist in total fascination painting his emotions to a canvas...(Or the poet to the page)his art! It is this that is the very thing; this raw unpasturized rendering, that bestows the power of the feelings within, and the talent to express them. There are many "styles" of writing...many excellent points made here to you...but if you were to ask me why I liked this... I would tell you because it is so intensely real. Thank you for letting me read it, and I hope you don't mind if I keep it in my library. Write ON! TD |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
a beautiful write, much enjoyed though I did stumble on one line: Though I can not take credited for it this would work better as Though I cannot be credited for it or Though I cannot take credit for it but overall, a big  |
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juliet_2u Senior Member
since 2000-07-23
Posts 1125North Carolina |
Poe, I felt like I was there watching you paint this portrait. I could feel the emotion as it came to life and the joy that one feels when they create something that has deep meaning to them. I thought it was lovely. Jules |
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