If I Would Ask You More - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

vandana

Member Patricius

since 1999-10-22

Posts 10463
USA

0 posted 2004-01-30 07:42 PM

Do you think I should stopped
loving you
Or I shall go on loving you
With my love on your heart?
Your love
on my heart
If I ask you for more
If I would ask more
Of your love
I never lie.
Without your love.
So true
I never die
Without you
If I would ask more
of you
Loving me
I know
It would be wrong for me
To ask you more.
Love would last long
If I would ask more
Never lie
What I have to ask you
It would be wrong for me
To ask you
loving you,as I do
Will you still love me
If I ask you more
of you

[This message has been edited by vandana (01-31-2004 10:54 AM).]

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2004-01-30 09:51 PM

Vandana, your critique button is open...
perhaps now is a good time to start working on critique. Are you ready?

Here are some of the changes I would make to your poem, for English and grammatical purposes.  What I have done is put your poem below, centered, with my changes.  Tell me what you think, and I will watch for your response.

And yes, my friend, I'm doing well.  Thank you!

Do you think I should stop
loving you?
Or shall I go on loving you
With my love on your heart?
Your love
on my heart.
If I ask of you is for more, but
would I ask more
Of your love?
I never lie.
With your love
So true,
I never die.
Without you.
If I would ask more
of you
Loving me
I know
It would be wrong for me
To ask you more.
Love would last long
If I would ask more.
Never lie.
What I have to ask you ~
It would be wrong for me
To ask you,
loving you, [as I do]
Will you still love me
If I ask more
of you

~*~

Now, Vandana, remember, this is only my interpretation of your poem.  Line breaks, commas, periods, other punctuation marks could make all the difference in your poetry.

I'm taking a gamble here, critiquing you in open.  As I said, you are encouraging critiques, and mine is more of a punctionation placement comment - and in that, I could be wrong.  But I know from our discussions you want to learn.

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

2 posted 2004-01-30 11:10 PM

(smiles) Awwwwwwww, I love this, sweet friend, always listen to your heart and ask what it wants and if the love is felt, keep asking and if in doubt, keep the shipments from coming! (big angel hugs) God Bless You, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Vandana, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"You'll find something that's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around and come back home" MB20

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced