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Teen Poetry #7
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While You Can
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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While You Can |
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Hallucination Member
since 2001-03-18
Posts 419 |
“While You Can” (8/11/03) She apologize, for her husbands lies, As her screams fade into the night. A chaos of fists, blue eyes, bleeding lips, Her soar soul’s been shredded by fright. She think slapping is loving someone, ‘Cause his brutal violence’s made her numb, To the chance of being treated right… Chorus DROWNING LADY WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFEE, YOU’RE JUST A TOY IN THE HANDS OF A CRAZED BOY, BETTER GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. TRY TO BE WISE IT’S TIME THAT YOU REALIZE, BEFORE IT’S THROUGH AND THERE’S NOTHING LEFT OF YOU, BETTER GET OUT WILE YOU CAN. Can’t, but wish she could, just leave him for good, But she’s itching like a junkie. So she pick him up, in a sleazy pub, And it’s great for a month indeed. ‘Cause it never penetrates her head, That someday she just might wound up dead, All because she can’t see what’s right… Chorus His eyes are the steal bars, his words the padded walls. His “love” the prison guard, and she’s nothing at all. She’s a slave in disguise, a wife with a curfew, He dates her appointments and stick to her like glue. Chorus |
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| © Copyright 2003 Brian Eggertsen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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magic_612 Member
since 2003-07-31
Posts 190NB, Canada |
I really liked this one.. especially the line "His eyes are the steal bars, his words the padded walls".. very good job |
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skyshine 
since 2002-02-07
Posts 3058Beneath the northern stars |
Very sad but true....and very powerful.  ~ElizabethDreams last for so long, even after you're gone... |
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dertah Senior Member
since 2003-06-18
Posts 584 |
..........its a sad sad world |
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FireInYourEyes New Member
since 2002-12-20
Posts 9 |
The idea behind this is really good and some of your imagery is very powerful. However, I could not get past the spelling'grammar mistakes in here. There are well...I can't really say this nicely...too many to cite all at once, but even in the first line "She apologize, for her husbands lies" should be "She'll apologize for her husband's lies" (I assume that's what you were going for). There are a lot of these that create too much confusion for this to be easily read (at least by me). If you can fix these, the song would be so much more powerful and I think that you really have something here. Nice work, just remember to edit your pieces before posting them. --i feel right at home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way-- |
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