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drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

0 posted 2004-05-10 11:34 PM

Hey guys,
Havn't posted anything new in a while.  Tried to write this, stepping into a different point of view.  This is mine, after I am dead.
If you dont like long poems, then skip this one.  If you do, please comment.  It's not my favorite that I've written, but I just wanted to post something again.
The Saddest Funeral

The saddest funeral I’ve ever been to
was my own.
I watched between the branches
of the strawberry bush
in the corner of the graveyard.

My mom began to cry.
The tears flowed down
our faces together.
The sky’s rainy teardrops
blanketed the graveyard
as everyone ran for shelter.

Pitter-patter silence,
interrupted
by an occasional roar of thunder.
Just a pair,
my mom and me,
alone together.

She stood there motionless;
emotionless,
tears in her eyes,
A soothed silence in her heart.
I walked over to her,
her glassy eyes focused
on where my body was,
unaware, my soul was in front of her.

She seemed disappointed,
like I had chosen my
new underground home
over our family’s.
“The bullet decided for me.”
But she couldn’t hear.

The men wearing black
stood by the car,
waiting for my mom;
impatient.
I cursed at them,
but they couldn’t hear me.

I went back over to her.
Her shoulders shook
with every sniffled breath.
I laid my arms over her
shuddering shoulders.
I think she felt me.

I whispered in her ear:
”I love you.  Don’t cry
for me, I’m here and happy.
Wipe away your selfish tears.”
I don know whether she heard
my whispered words,
or just the wind,
but she wiped her cheek,
turned, and walked away.

The sky wiped away it’s tears
and the sun seemed to smile,
as I faded away.

Don_Juan
Member

since 2004-04-08

Posts 252
Far from where I am going

1 posted 2004-05-10 11:37 PM

wow. very powerful poem and an interesting point of view. very good description. keep up the good stuff.

drummers rule

nice use of muffin

Cinderelly
Member

since 2001-12-31

Posts 189
NM, USA

2 posted 2004-05-11 01:23 AM

Wow! This is awesome . . . Great poem all around!

Life is a moderately good play w/ a badly written thrid act. - Unknown

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

3 posted 2004-05-11 10:25 AM

I noticed some parts that could be stronger, but overall..cool perspective, it was interesting to read, pretty good visuals. I think you could make this into something amazing though...
~Lex

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

4 posted 2004-05-11 08:07 PM

Thanks for the responses.... Lexi, I agree. I definetly think I could make this one stronger. I wasn't really happy with it.
I'll see if I can find some time to work on it, and I'll post an update.

Thanks

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

5 posted 2004-05-12 06:50 PM

Very powerful...

~Alli~

sparrow139
Junior Member

since 2004-05-13

Posts 18
UK

6 posted 2004-05-13 09:42 AM

Wow, this poem is extremely moving and powerful. I love the way it's written, in such a soft and understated tone, which makes the poem all the more effective.
Great work!

[sparrow]

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

7 posted 2004-05-13 04:25 PM

I liked this, and as others have said, the perspective was different, and different is good. Well done.

It's been awhile,since I've seen the way, the candles light your face. It's been a while, but I can still remember just the way you taste! ~StainD

Stepharoo
Member

since 2004-05-04

Posts 149
Washington, USA

8 posted 2004-05-13 05:00 PM

I really like it.
Great Job!
Keep it up.

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

9 posted 2004-05-13 09:33 PM

wow i really liked this.. the point of view was different.. like you wanted it to be. I loved it. Sorta made me think..
kissa

I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling

sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member

since 2004-04-11

Posts 418
Earth

10 posted 2004-05-14 09:37 PM

wow wow ...amazing keep posting please....keep it upp

I will cover you with my blood,not only because i love you but because your are the one that made my blood red...

Censored
Member

since 2004-04-11

Posts 86

11 posted 2004-05-14 11:45 PM

awesome job. I honestly cried.

Fleur
Member

since 2004-04-09

Posts 103

12 posted 2004-05-15 12:54 PM

This was very touching. Very powerful. I don't know what to say, cause it really made me cry.

aussie teen
Member

since 2003-09-27

Posts 396
Australia

13 posted 2004-05-17 07:23 AM

this is amazing....
i have tried doing a poem like this but it never flowed right...... this amazing and i hope to read more of your work soon
Keep it up
Mel

so this is me but what do you care about that????
i am who i am. no one can change that but me, even then it will be a fight to the death

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