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Teen Poetry #7
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lilibeelee
Member
since 2001-07-12
Posts 143


0 posted 2004-05-08 12:50 PM


This pain cuts inside me
It hurts me

My vision gets blurry
I can't speak

I try and escape
From this every day madness

You follow me
Where ever I go

Leave me at peace
Please go away

Is destruction the anwser
To make it all disapear

I can't feel normal
When you make me feel so bad

This sinking feeling I get
It makes me want to leave
Makes me want to give up

On everything we started
Everything we were

You pull me into your world
Without any warning

And now I am in too deep
Too deep to breathe and move

I sit here all alone
And theres no one eft to blame

I hide my face
I hide my tears
I hide myself from shame

I feel lost
I am dead
To you I am nothing
To me I am what I am

I look at where to point the finger
And I shouldnt look to far
It's starring straight back at me

Can't deny this now

I should of given up a while ago
But I figure I would wait

Nothing left to wait for
Nothing left to give

I am weak
I am empty

My head spins
My mind drops

Collected tears
Of all the years
I have been so burned

Am I done?
Is this done?

There is nothing left to give

My soul
Nothing left to drain

My heart is tired
My body is done

I give up now

There is no more
No more of me
Nothing left to give

You took it all


© Copyright 2004 Lisa - All Rights Reserved
WinterWren
Senior Member
since 2002-12-01
Posts 1044
...Coming to
1 posted 2004-05-08 04:22 PM


Wow, this is so powerful. I felt every word.
I can really relate to this right now.
If you just need someone to vent at, feel free to email me.
Thanks for sharing.

W.W.
We were meant to live for so much more have we lost ourselves?
Maybe redemption has stories to tell maybe forgiveness is right where you fell.

sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member
since 2004-04-11
Posts 418
Earth
2 posted 2004-05-08 04:25 PM


wow..this is amazing...keep up the great workkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!

lovezz

peace

chasing rain
Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737
Canada
3 posted 2004-05-08 08:59 PM


lilibeelee--

I thought you really captured the emotion in this piece very well within your words. My only critique for this is how you organized the stanzas. I felt that the stanzas could be lengthened; the shortness of them made the poem seem choppy, and I felt myself having to go back and read the previous stanza to get the full effect of your words. For example:

"This sinking feeling I get
It makes me want to leave
Makes me want to give up
On everything we started
Everything we were.

You pull me into your world
Without any warning
And now I am in too deep
Too deep to breathe and move."

Connecting similar ideas into a longer stanza makes the poem so much easier to read.

Other than that, I think you have a lot of potential. I hope to see you writing more and posting on these forums!

--Leah

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