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| Dark Poetry #4 |
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Flames |
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Verg Member
since 2007-10-25
Posts 52Colorado |
No more talking. No more walking. No more breathing in. Like flames hot orange flames inside of my body, it burns. I wish you could feel them. No more talking. No more walking. No more breathing in. These flames would probably incinerate you, but I want you to feel them wrap yourself within them. I watch, I laugh, I cry. Sad, no. No more walking No more talking. No more breathing in. I see you staring at me trying to figure me out, you cant. What is that? O you want me to help you. Don’t you like my flames? No. Too bad their warm. No more walking. No more talking. No more breathing in. [This message has been edited by Verg (10-26-2007 09:57 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2007 Verg - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Seeker72 Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 387Oregon USA |
Well you don't Encourage Critiques, so I really don't know what to say about this one. Except maybe it should be in the Teen section. |
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Seeker72 Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 387Oregon USA |
OK. Your poem reads more like a death threat than a poem Verg. If you want to get your point across that you would like to see someone die do it with shadow. Don't just go out and scream it from the roof, write it on the basement wall... if you know what I mean. It has Potential. |
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Seeker72 Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 387Oregon USA |
Much better. Now you can read the conflict, feel the anger and get a hint of what you would like to see. Without it sounding like a threat. Good job. |
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voice2bheard Senior Member
since 2007-10-19
Posts 591New York |
Don't listen to him you're stuff was really great I loved it!! |
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pen&paper Senior Member
since 2006-06-06
Posts 513 |
wow I really loved this! (btw thx 4 the comment)The emotion in this was really 'well put' for wnat of a better term. I loved how you kept repeating theose same three lines, that really added depth to this..Can't wait to see more from you! going in my library. Rerra |
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Seeker72 Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 387Oregon USA |
"Don't listen to him you're stuff was really great I loved it!!" Are you referring to the latest version or the first one, as I feel this new version is so much better, not only in layout but flow as well. Just my opinion though. |
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Verg Member
since 2007-10-25
Posts 52Colorado |
Seeker I dont think she knows about the first one so she is completely lost |
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Seeker72 Member
since 2007-02-24
Posts 387Oregon USA |
Fair enough. I hope my words didn't sound too harsh regarding your poem Verg. I must say this new incarnation is Very Good. |
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Verg Member
since 2007-10-25
Posts 52Colorado |
o no not harsh at all in fact i would like it if you read my poems before anyone else did just to know your opinion. It is so cool to have one of my favorite poets read MY poems |
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Mystress May Member
since 2007-10-25
Posts 296Taunton, MA |
well doll, I like the combination of anger and indifference |
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nevermore93 Member
since 2007-10-24
Posts 73 |
verg and seeker, i would appreciate it if you read my new poem, "ressurected ' on the teen poetry forum. i would like to hear what you think |
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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
umm, interesting, i think that in the stanza you repeat it goes better in my head when it reads "no more breathing in" it seems to flow better- but that's just my personal opinion. -Kate "I thought I'd just mention in passing . . . I always wanted a Sparkly of my very own." -Jeremy The Crow |
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RevengeIsMine Senior Member
since 2006-07-08
Posts 820Australia |
This is good.. Thanks for the reply on the poem btw... but yea great work... but i do agree with kate it does sound better with no more breathing in |
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Verg Member
since 2007-10-25
Posts 52Colorado |
I think i like it too. |
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RenaissanceRomanceRunsRed Senior Member
since 2007-06-11
Posts 1062In Love <3 |
aww i think it's amazing now (not that it wasn't good before but now it's great), library piece . . . -Kate "I thought I'd just mention in passing . . . I always wanted a Sparkly of my very own." -Jeremy The Crow |
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The_Nameless_One Member
since 2007-01-20
Posts 165Missouri |
very well done nice flow great imagery I think you came out with a very competent piece that shows what you are feeling and how you feel it in your own personal way so I think overall it's a great poem hope to read more thank you for referring me to your poem Verg I enjoyed it much |
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The_Nameless_One Member
since 2007-01-20
Posts 165Missouri |
btw thank you for enjoying my poem "Welcome To My Dreams" |
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