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Match
Member

since 2002-07-01

Posts 286
Canada Edmonton

0 posted 2002-12-07 12:28 PM

Venom in your kiss
Sugar coated lies.
Ecstasy in your smile
Lemon flavored cheating.
Poison through your veins
Cotton candy tears.
Cookie cutter fingers
Etching out what's wrong.
Flaming frenzy of fighting
In the end all is never right.

Agean
New Member

since 2002-11-29

Posts 9

1 posted 2002-12-07 01:28 PM

very complex.. nice write..

branden726

Senior Member

since 2000-09-25

Posts 607
Bay City, MI

2 posted 2002-12-07 03:19 PM

Eh I liked this one just don't have a reason... Its just like yeah something you dont mind reading more of.

Smoothy
Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 119
The dark side of the moon

3 posted 2002-12-07 04:31 PM

This one gave me a sweet tooth. Excuse me while I get some candy...

Love conquers all, so I must be in a losing battle.

Jaime

Registered

Member
Posts 250

4 posted 2002-12-07 11:39 PM

I like the contrasts in this... the concept of something being sugar coatded isn't just an overall theme, but something that you heavily (if not completely) incorporate into the lines of your poem. I think that makes the effect stronger. You might want to reword the last line though so that it 'moves' smoother. It seemed awkward to me when I was reading it. I don't know. Maybe it's just me (sometimes it is).

- Jaime

i was here

[This message has been edited by Jaime (12-07-2002 11:41 PM).]

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

5 posted 2002-12-08 12:12 PM

I really like this....particularly the way you put in so many elements. I think ( not usually this early in the morning )....but anyway...I think that maybe if you explored each line of the poem that you have in more detail, then it would be even better...Just my thoughts...these were my favorite lines...

quote:
"Ecstasy in your smile
Lemon flavored cheating.
Poison through your veins
Cotton candy tears."

These were awesome....

anywho...just my two cents..brain thought: like when you say

quote:
"lemon flavored cheating"

you could also say something after that like

quote:
"a sour taste rests in my soul, consuming it"

just my thoughts...this has to be the longest reply i have ever given...

Good poem..

Riley

Morning mist clings to my face, and my soul opens up to you......

[This message has been edited by Riley (12-08-2002 12:15 PM).]

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

6 posted 2002-12-15 02:08 PM

Match~
I enjoyed this piece.
You've got some great lines here nad have done
a nice job of conveying your message with just
few well-chosen words.
Well done.
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

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