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Left Behind
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Left Behind |
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Riley 
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain 
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chisled lights hang off my blood flickering on and off torturing my life floating and bobbing up and down in water thicker than one red substance that sustains forever more a voice shall listen to listful ring too many wrongs make yet another and that in its own scares one to many choice coincidence picked out so carefully shorter than the nest of fevered brows lost words spinning in the conscience of sorts the word in its little way is confusing crisp shorts of speech in horizontal fallen shapes broken in two shan't say the word for it hurts to much once again it is known my life flickers on and off torturing my life and hanging off my blood ~*I'm not gonna say I'm gorgeous, that for you to decide, if you really wanna know me, see the world through my eyes*~ |
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| © Copyright 2002 Riley Grant - All Rights Reserved | |||
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PoeticGoddessOfDepression Member
since 2002-07-02
Posts 439I am everywhere |
beautifully written. (your signature is cool too!!!  )I really like this, though. Remidns me of my life as well. I know where you're coming from. Keep writing- i'll keep reading. "All are unnecessary evils of a dying republic. We must *write* these wrongs" |
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dinky Member
since 2002-10-19
Posts 258 |
this was pretty good it was kind of har for me to follow tho cuz sometimes i get sidetracked and i cant really put it all together i will read it again tho until it all fits into my brain good write keep writin, i want to read more for u ~sam~ |
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Riley
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
Thank you both a lot for the replies ( and I made up my sig. by myself!!!!! :P ) Ri ~*I'm not gonna say I'm gorgeous, that for you to decide, if you really wanna know me, see the world through my eyes*~ |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Riley, a few things... you should make sure you don't overuse certain buzz words like "life." They can make the reading a bit tedious. And I know it's your style to write without punctuation, but sometimes it seems like the lack of punctuation is a weakness... this is particularily evident in poetry that consists of several longer lines. This poem could have used either more line breaks or a comma here, a semicolon there... you know... that's how it is. Anyway Ri, I hate to have been so critical... because I really like a lot of the images in here. Again you make me wonder where you come up with this stuff... like "shorter than the nest of fevered brows." I'd kill for that kind of creativity. Waiting for more, Miss Riley. See you around. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people Before you place your poetry before the people. ~Andrey Kneller [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (10-24-2002 03:09 PM).] |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I liked it. Seemed a bit morbid to me though, which is fine, but dark isn't the modd I want now haha. No worries. Anyhow, well done.  This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'. |
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