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Android 18
Member

since 2002-02-20

Posts 61
Austrailia (My DreamLand)

0 posted 2002-09-15 04:15 AM

Him

What'd I Do To Deserve This Frustration?
I Only Crushed On A Man Who Liked Me,
I Wouldn't Want To Deny The Emotion
I Have For Him, But What A Team We'd Be.

Is He Just Caught Up, And Soon To Forget
The Love We Made, And Moments We Did Share?
To Get Up And Leave Like We Never Met,
The Emptyness I'd Feel, I Couldn't Bare.

I'm Not Trying to Pressure Him, I Just
Want To Know If I'm As Special To Him,
As He Is To Me, Or Is It Just Lust?
Is The Bright Burning Flame About To Dim?
This Is What Devestates Me Beyond End,
That Day He Said To Me, "Let's Just Be Friends."

------------

Hey People Of Pip...

I'm Back!

Sorry I Disapeared For So Long. I Should Be Posting A Little More Often Than Every Couple Of Months Now. Check Out This Poem I Just Wrote Tonight, It's For My English Class.
For People Who Have Studied Poetry, I Had To Follow A Shakepearian Ryhme Scheme(A,B,A,B, C,D,C,D, E,F,E,F,G,G) To An Iambic Pentameter(10 Syllables Per Line, To The Sound Of A Beating Heart. Sort Of Like: Unstressed Syllable, Stressed Syllable, Unstressed, Stressed, etc....)\

*** Please Comment ***

Captain_Simian
New Member

since 2002-07-15

Posts 5

1 posted 2002-09-15 11:06 AM

I really like the topic, it feels so familiar the way you described the
emotions.

Android 17

Senior Member

since 2001-07-21

Posts 664
Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-09-15 10:13 PM

Woah---Serena...I'm shocked, particularily by the last line...we'll talk more on this, okay babe?

Others are too in love with the sound of their own voice to speak the truth...

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

3 posted 2002-09-16 01:21 AM

Don't Capitalize Every Word, Your Title Ends After Your Title. It Gets Very Aggravating.

This is much better.

Oh and another thing - read your iambs aloud to yourself, a few times you got quite sloppy. It's all a learning process, I know.

Best of luck with all improvements. By the way, it's me, Brian!

Parasite

sean_krazy
Junior Member

since 2002-09-14

Posts 33

4 posted 2002-09-16 01:47 AM

hmm..interesting...guss one of us had a shakespearen witin them...

sean

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

5 posted 2002-10-20 09:28 PM

Awwww....

Sometimes things dont turn out the way you want them to. I liked the write...though Brian is right, This Gets A Little Too Much Sometimes. It's like youre screaming the first letter to every word ahaha...

Keep posting Serena..would love to see more

Are you scared? BOO! Are you now?

Dopey Dope

Moderator

Member Patricius

since 2000-08-30

Posts 11132
San Juan, Puerto Rico

6 posted 2002-10-21 10:37 AM

I thought this was pretty good, but like LP said ....don't cap every word.
Well done on this one, and good luck with the situation.

This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'.

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