»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #6
»
On Wells and Temptation (a collab with Kielo)
| Teen Poetry #6 |
|
On Wells and Temptation (a collab with Kielo) |
|
Skyfire 
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding 
|
I want to touch the bottom of you in your psychadelic well of being. To know your multi-coloured mind would draw me into the facets of your personality. I am afraid to jump; the well is deep though the waters be delightfully inviting. I imagine their cool depths washing over me drowning me in a world of neon lights and pain that I never knew you hid. The vision unsettles me, but you allure me still. I long to tempt my fate, and fall. Whether or not I would recover is not up to me but oh how I long to fall. I consider it, and lean, lean closer still, nearly to the falling point. I finally let the music take me and I fall. ^_^ Thanks hun! |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Rhonda Adolph - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
snoduck Member
since 2002-11-15
Posts 99Selah, WA |
This is different. I like it. Very interesting, with a lot of very nice imagery. I like it a lot. -Erica- |
||
PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
You're defiently improving, Rhonda. It's a pleasure to watch. A lovely write. ~Titus Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. |
||
|
Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
Thanks, Titus!  snoduck, thank you, very much appreciated.  Kielo I know only one thing, and that thing is that I know nothing. [This message has been edited by Kielo (01-27-2003 12:17 AM).] |
||
|
PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
My appologies, Kielo, I had forgotten it was a duet of sorts. My compliments to you, as well. ~Titus Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. |
||
|
Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
*grin* Its ok. I just didn't want to be forgotten. Thank you muchly.  Kielo I know only one thing, and that thing is that I know nothing. |
||
|
Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Great work Kielo and Rhonda, I like it a lot but I want to come back and give it a critique but seeing as it is a collab I thought I had better ask first since, you both might not want that. On the whole it is a very nice read though Andrew |
||
|
Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
I don't mind. Rhonda? Kielo I know only one thing, and that thing is that I know nothing. |
||
|
Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
quote: Great opening though you spelt “psychedelic” wrong, your styles are quite similar so I’m not sure who wrote this bit, but I’m thinking that one of you wrote these first four lines? I’m guessing Rhonda? Maybe I’m wrong but the change in direction after this section seems to suggest that. I love the imagery though, it’s very well presented though I’m a little bit wary about “facets”, it’s not a word I would have used or associated with poetry, though I guess that is half the fun. quote: Now I could be wrong but I think that this is another break in the poem, where either one of you had written it, since I guessed Rhonda wrote the last then Kielo must have written this section, sorry if I’m wrong but it truly seems as though only one person has written this in terms of language. I love this section, the imagery is sublime especially the lines “drowning me in a world of neon lights and pain that I never knew you hid.” to me that is just wonderful, the phrasing and the image, well that’s a high point for me. I was a little bit concerned about the “be” in the sixth line “though the waters be delightfully inviting.” to me that didn’t work and I think that “are” is a more suitable alternative. quote: A kind of a disappointing end, especially with all the wonderful and beautiful imagery that has been thrown about, I read this and I felt that there wasn’t a lot of effort put into the ending which makes me think that you just wanted to get the poem finished, which is a shame as with more work it could have been so much more. Points that I wanted to raise were that you are repeating “fall” too much, you have used it three times (Four if you include “falling”) at the end of a line within the last seven lines, I doubt that it was more an oversight but it was distracting. Over all I thought that this ending section was a little muddled, coming back to the point about you wanting to get it finished, it’s like you didn’t work together. The imagery in this section was kind of average, certainly nothing compared to what had come before and it felt a little clichéd. As for the language once again I feel it was less of a high standard than what had preceded it, which is a little disappointing. I guess there is only one thing left to say really, which is that I loved it, brilliant in parts, dull in others but by far one of the best collaborations that I have seen between two poets, it is enjoyable to read. Congratulations to both of you on this piece of writing, I hope to see more of your work and maybe future collaborations? Andrew |
||
|
Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
You think too highly of me... Rhonda wrote the neon lights and pain line. Thank you for the critique. You affirmed what I had already guessed; that we should write together again. *pokes Rhonda* Kielo I know only one thing, and that thing is that I know nothing. |
||
|
Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Thanks Andrew You flatter me by suggesting that I wrote all four lines of the first stanza, when in fact we took turns with the lines. I'll do another collab when my homework gives me a chance to breathe... Monday perhaps (my day off... have it all planned out; homework all weekend, and then Monday off) Monkey!! |
||
|
skyshine
since 2002-02-07
Posts 3058Beneath the northern stars |
I couldn't tell a difference in the lines, your styles obviously work well together! VERY interesting write Rhonda and Kielo!  --Elizabeth You can sit there and forgive someone until the cows come home, and it won't make a bit of difference until they forgive themselves. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
