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One and Only
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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One and Only |
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Trouble Breathing Member
since 2002-11-12
Posts 63 |
To see your face, While I lie awake, Every breath that I take Shows me this is not fake, But Love is not what I say, Love is the way I show you, That Each and every day with you, Has been like a dream come true, I lie awake in the light, Thinking about the way you make me feel, I know that this is right, Because I know that this is real, And I swear I’ll only dream of you tonight. Yeah, I swear I’ll only dream of you tonight. --------------------------------------------------- I really feel good about this one, I'd love to know what you all think  Compliments and/or Constructive Criticism are always welcome. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Trouble Breathing - All Rights Reserved | |||
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LTEvans Member
since 2002-12-06
Posts 72Lenham, England |
I enjoyed this a lot great poem. Seems to flow very nicely. I would hesitate to say anything about this, as I have a tendancy to do it myself; "And I swear I’ll only dream of you tonight. Yeah, I swear I’ll only dream of you tonight" This seems to spoil the flow a little at the end. Maybe "And I swear I will dream only of you tonight. Yes, I will dream only of you tonight" Only a suggestion mind. Otherwise, brilliant! I will be looking forward to your next posting. By the way feel free to tell me to shut (edited by moderator) up if you want to. Solipsism saves us from the atavism of the Equalitarian. LTEvans [This message has been edited by vlraynes (12-21-2002 01:29 AM).] |
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Trouble Breathing Member
since 2002-11-12
Posts 63 |
Now why would I do that? I asked for constructive criticism, don't worry That's a good suggestion, Ill change that last line and/or maybe take it out all together. What does everyone else think? should I change it, take it out, or leave it like it is? |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Trouble Breathing~ I like this very much. I really enjoyed the flow of this, and just the over all feel of it. Very nicely done. ~Vicky "...until you have read the verse on his heart, |
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Heavens Tears
since 2001-03-15
Posts 677 |
I really enjoyed this piece, although I do agree with LT about the last line. "Yeah" does kinda seem out of place or something. But otherwise I thought it was great. Keep writing! |
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OtherSideOfTheMirror Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 245 |
"And I swear I’ll only dream of you tonight. Yeah, I swear I’ll only dream of you tonight." Personally, I love this line either way. I wouldn't have even realized that it does seem a little off if I hadn't read the other comments. I agree "Yes" instead, would be effective, but really you COULD just take the "yeah" out in general. You could even take out the I swear as well or just the I swear and make it just Yes... Just a suggestion of course, but maybe: "And I swear I'll only dream of you tonight. (Yes,)I'll only dream of you tonight..." Whatever, regardless of any possible revisions I think the poem is fantastic as is. Very nice indeed. -OtherSideOfTheMirror |
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aries_luv_ppl Senior Member
since 2001-09-20
Posts 1448Universal Mind |
firstly, I love this piece; secondly I think putting a "yes" in the last line is good. Just my humble opinion. Eliza Simmons |
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Lakewalker Member Elite
since 2000-08-05
Posts 3289On the streets w/ people |
I liked the poem, and Other side of the mirror's suggestion as well. Good job writing, keep posting! "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle" Plato. |
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