Contemplation: Report Number Two

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Temptress

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-06-15

Posts 7136
Mobile, AL

0 posted 2002-04-12 04:21 AM

naked confessions hold no disdain
for eyes that would read them.
is this real
the sway of my innocence
betrayed by one doubt?
I have walked to love
and I have slowly drifted away from it
causing the slow swallowing of tears
that resounds when a heart has its first crack.
no amount of laquer
could stop the creep of sin
through gaping pores on the ragged skin
of self preservation.
there is no light ahead
but I feel no real pity for the plight given love these days.
lethargic reduction of pain
decides to have its way
and I am feeling no more wasteful
than last I knew of loss.
no regrets
just a cool hint of satsifaction
in getting what I want in the end

How grave is my condition, for I cannot find the words to say, I need you so.
~Sarah MacLachlan~

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

1 posted 2002-04-12 04:59 AM

Enjoyed reading this...James

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

2 posted 2002-04-12 08:48 AM

but I feel no real pity for the plight given love these days.
lethargic reduction of pain
decides to have its way
and I am feeling no more wasteful
than last I knew of loss.
no regrets
just a cool hint of satsifaction
in getting what I want in the end
strong ending... and strong revelation or self admission.... you do this well..and I always look forward to reading your words.

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

3 posted 2002-04-12 09:02 AM

Temptress
Makes sense to me, enjoyed.

Moonlight Romeo

Senior Member

since 2001-09-10

Posts 982
The heart of you

4 posted 2002-04-12 02:26 PM

To contemplate love, I've done it many times myself.

Thank you.

What light through yon window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

Sven

Member Laureate

since 1999-11-23

Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA

5 posted 2002-04-12 02:54 PM

life for today??

excellent. . .

---------------------------------------------------------

To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world.

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

6 posted 2002-04-12 06:54 PM

(smiles) This is wonderful, sweet friend, your wonderful rambles are always packed with such truth and thought! (kiss on cheek) Powerful thoughts flow from your heart, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Jenn, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

7 posted 2002-04-12 07:14 PM

Honestly?

You have some truly beautiful lines here...

'I have walked to love
and I have slowly drifted away from it
causing the slow swallowing of tears
that resounds when a heart has its first crack.
no amount of laquer
could stop the creep of sin
through gaping pores on the ragged skin'

this for example...superb, wrenching..held me in thrall.

In places, it's a little weak..

for example, in that section I highlighted..how about changing:

'and I have slowly drifted away from it'

into 'and I have slowly drifted from it' which tightens it a little...

if you could sustain the ethereality of that whole section throughout the entire piece, I'd suggest you send it in for publishing somewhere...

hugs Jenn, wonderful read..

K

[This message has been edited by Severn (04-12-2002 07:18 PM).]

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