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| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia 
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I opened my eyes today, and suddenly everyone was more weathered and beaten, and old... Dusted with time, elegant as antiques and just as fragile. We’re on a hunt for happiness, but I think everyone knows the only thing that keeps us living is the reminder it will all end one day... I was expecting something foggy and scratched, but when I looked around, there were flowers and sunshine and the lone belief that truth was something within reach... But brightness can be painful, and smiling can hurt as much as frowning. But amidst the magnolia-scented air, gnawed gifts and piles of gold glitter representing something, I wasn’t invited to know, I saw something else... A darkness that was almost cruel enough to laugh at, and an emptiness that seemed surreal at how frequently souls tried to fill it. Everything was dead... I didn’t want to bend, so I closed my eyes today. --Marie You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning. [This message has been edited by Fading Away (edited 08-12-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jennifer Floyd - All Rights Reserved | |||
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LoneWolf Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 384IL |
i absolutly loved this. i thougth this was great. keep up the great work I liked this part a lot "but when I looked around, there were flowers and sunshine and the lone belief that truth was something within reach... But brightness can be painful, and smiling can hurt as much as frowning." It's too bad I'm not as wonderful a person as people say I am, because the world could use a few people like that. |
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dastard Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 55in tearing silence |
First,I'm first! Hey Marie, I know I somehow cheated on this, but anyway... does it matter?! I loved that one. Great imagery and tons of thoughts I agree with in here. Never stop, you got to promise that to me !! Okay, let's leave some space for the others to reply, hehe. P.S.: THIS CAN'T BE TRUE !! there was no reply when I entered the site and now that I finished typing... NOW you got me pissed! "Only two things are infinite; the universe and humans' stupidity, but I'm not sure yet about the universe." ~Albert Einstein [This message has been edited by dastard (edited 08-12-2001).] |
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Delirious_Smurf Member
since 2001-08-08
Posts 90Nothingness,P.R. |
I liked! And I LOVED the final words. Reminds me of me loking around and not finding any possitive thing to hold on to. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
LoneWolf - Thanks  I'm glad you enjoyed it.. that's one of my favorite parts too.Dastard - *hug* It's okay! Thanks for replying anyways, it means a lot Delirious_Smurf - Thanks, I wanted the ending to kind of sound that way. Again, thanks for replying, you guys --Marie You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning. |
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Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg |
Hm, this was nice to read, Marie. I didn't think the beginning was very strong until I read the last part, which brought it all full-circle. There were a lot of powerful images in here, some good thoughts and good wordings. It's a nice, unique poem. Very expressive, I'll say that much. There was a lot that went into this obviously, it wasn't in vain. The result was a good one. Nice work, as usual. Yours, ~Allan The children of the nobility are playing here. they look up at you with disgust as you come near. |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Hey Marie! I see you've been writing again. YAY!'I opened my eyes today, and suddenly everyone was more weathered and beaten, and old...' The power of personal revelation... Kinda makes you wonder why it suddenly seems like that?'Dusted with time, elegant as antiques and just as fragile.' Dusted with time...I like that. Great use of similies there. 'We’re on a hunt for happiness, but I think everyone knows the only thing that keeps us living is the reminder it will all end one day...' Very thoughtful approach, and a different view on how we live life... 'I was expecting something foggy and scratched, but when I looked around, there were flowers and sunshine and the lone belief that truth was something within reach...' Last line...something within reach...caught a glimpse of hope. Our expectations are fleeting. 'But brightness can be painful,' Yeah, especially after coming out of a dark room...  'and smiling can hurt as much as frowning.' True...there's a lot of truth here. 'A darkness that was almost cruel enough to laugh at, and an emptiness that seemed surreal at how frequently souls tried to fill it.' Beautiful imagery there...about the souls. The first two lines related to each other in a way...cruel and darkness. You added a bit of harshness to match the mood by adding the laughing part. Interesting... 'I didn’t want to bend, so I closed my eyes today.' A good way to end the poem...almost the total opposite of the beginning. Open...close...I like. Overall, I enjoyed this very much, but I have seen better from you (personally). But nonetheless, you have a gift Marie! You continue to inspire me, and I look up to you. Until your next poem...  -Leah Va pensiero sull' ali dorate... |
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
"But brightness can be painful, and smiling can hurt as much as frowning." I'll say...Isn't it though? Loved this piece, Marie. You impress me so much with every piece of work you post. I love them all. The ending was perfect.  to you. You wouldn't worry about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Allan - Yes, it started weak, but I think that's what I like about this one... the power and emotion builds, in a way. I'm glad you liked it. Your approval indeed makes me smile! Leah - Heya! Yes, I've been writing a little bit I actually posted this one a week ago, but I'm glad it was brought back up. I think it sunk too quickly. Thanks for the response! I LOVED reading what you had to say. Thanks for being honest, too. No, it's not quite my best, but far from my worst. Thanks for the reply!Jesa - Thanks, sweets!! Hehe And yes, those lines are VERY true... and probably my fav. in the piece. Funny how that is, huh? I'm glad you liked it! Thank ya all for taking the time to reply Means bunches to me.--Marie If going to church makes you a Christian, then sitting in a garage makes you a car. |
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TopGunLauren Senior Member
since 2000-08-02
Posts 718California |
Your poem is great just like all the other poems you have written that I have read.Keep up the awsome work. LAuren |
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allie Member
since 2001-07-09
Posts 218Australia |
Wow wow wow wow wow... do you ever fail to impress? there were flowers and sunshine and the lone belief that truth was something within reach... How do you do it? Im reading your comment: "Fading Away encourages Constructive Critiques: "If I wasn't looking for your comments, then why am I posting? Rip it apart."How can you ever expect your work to be ripped apart? It's ripping apart an everyday poets writing... you've got something more than most poets, you write with passion and experience you express yourself So vividly with nothing more than words? And i doubt if im alone when i say it leaves me in envy... This poem continues to amaze me .... as does all your work, Congratulations... ALLIE |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
A darkness that was almost cruel enough to laugh at, and an emptiness that seemed surreal at how frequently souls tried to fill it. MARIE!!!..this is awesome!! i loved every bit of it!..you're making me go green!! i loved that line...i can relate to that one lots. like allan said you can tell a lot of thought was put into this one and i think you did a very good job of it. the imagery within this was great i could picture a lot of the things you expressed in this. thanks for sharing girly  ....more! MORE! i say! Outside Ab Simpsons N.Home: |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
The title was catchy and the ending was awesome. I really liked this poem from you marie. Really great write here. Hope to see more.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
wOW MArie...so much is behind this...much truth... "and smiling can hurt as much as frowning." i related to the whole poem...but that line is the one taht hit me the most...wonderful job...loved the read...buh bye  if i die before i wake...i pray the Lord my soul to take - when thugs cry- |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Hey marie First of all, WOW! Really great piece. Now secondly, the comparison between old people and anitques was well done. Most people compare old to something else but antiques was a good move. "We’re on a hunt for happiness, but I think everyone knows the only thing that keeps us living is the reminder it will all end one day..." Everyone knows that and I think that is what makes a lot of us stop. It will end..but when? Another person might agree with me on this one. "I was expecting something foggy and scratched, but when I looked around, there were flowers and sunshine and the lone belief that truth was something within reach..." This is good. To me it came across that the sunshine and flowers were an illusion, but an attainable one at that. "But brightness can be painful, and smiling can hurt as much as frowning. But amidst the magnolia-scented air, gnawed gifts and piles of gold glitter representing something, I wasn’t invited to know, I saw something else..." Happiness came to and decided to share another part of life. You saw something forbidden yet something that you had to eventually see. "A darkness that was almost cruel enough to laugh at, and an emptiness that seemed surreal at how frequently souls tried to fill it." Very well written there. A darkness cruel enough to laugh at is also cruel enough to cry at. "Everything was dead... I didn’t want to bend, so I closed my eyes today." Awesome ending. One of your best endings so far. Like Allan said, a full circle. You should be proud of this one. ~AF~ "Kelly's my Hero!" "No, Kelly's your heroine." "Kelly has heroin??" "What?" |
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Poet Unknown Member
since 2001-08-14
Posts 140Missouri |
wow, what else can ya say except great job Do as you please....strike forth down upon your knees...Darkness Falls on Those Without Souls |
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