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Teen Poetry #5
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| Teen Poetry #5 |
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one week |
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dastard Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 55in tearing silence |
It took me a while to find you now you're gone and I'm here again on my own It'll be days to bring you back and I'm sittin' here with time like a slipknot put around my neck Living seconds for days time at its slowest who else is to tell? no one but I need to be honest I'll be waitin' when you return my hands off my ears to listen to learn I felt so empty when you were gone never mind, it's over Wellcome back home! "And it's been awhile, but all that **** seems to disappear when I'm with you" ~Staind Wellcome back, Marie! |
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| © Copyright 2001 dastard - All Rights Reserved | |||
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allie Member
since 2001-07-09
Posts 218Australia |
This showed strong emotion... You must really love this person... your poem expressed this really well... I liked your comparisson to a slipknot around your neck...effective Good read, ALLIE |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
The beginning of this poem was pretty dark... I wasn't expecting the ending! This is an awesome poem! I LOVED it..  Thank ya, dastard. It's good to be back  This is sweet.. thanks bunches. Very emotion filled poem. I enjoyed this. Post again soon! Thanks again *Muah!*--Marie You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning. |
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
*Raises her hand politely* ***Question!*** So is this one about MArie???? If so-something going on there...or just friends?  ( I swear- I should work for a gossip column or something- I'm so nosey.  )ANYWAY- Ya- The poem was awesome. I like it alot. I agree with Marie- the beginning was dark...I liked that about it. It showed just how shut down you feel when she isn't around etc... How you might as well be dead. Excellent piece. |
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MoeRocko Member
since 2001-04-25
Posts 166West Virginia |
I'm a firm believer in not using long, eloquent confusing words in a naseatingly long poem. I LOVE this one. Good work! If there's a such thing as a Genius, then I'm one. If there's no such thing then I don't care... ~John Lennon |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I really think the ending went too quickly. Like all of a sudden the person is just back and it wasn't quite explained or brought into play by some transitional stanza or verse or something....Anyhow, besides that the poem was great.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
this is awesome custard!...i thought that you got your emotions across pretty well...well done on this, you did a down right good job on this.....see marie loved it....now wheres one for me? *gets jealous*...keep writing, poet....more! |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
ok, i just wrote an entire reply, and it was deleted. grrrrr... what i was going to say is that i really like this piece. maybe you could use a little more punctuation though? also, i'm not a big fan of the last two lines. they don't seem to fit in with the rest of the piece and they just don't sound right to me. i love the line: like a slipknot put around my neck but maybe instead of saying: put around my neck you could say: *placed around my neck but that has to be one of the best lines in the piece. i really loved this piece. otherwise i wouldn't have replied. ::grins:: i hope i didn't tear it apart too badly. i'm really big on constructive criticism, and i hope others would do the same for me. keep writing and GOOD WORK on this one!!!! - jen so foul and fair a day i have not seen. - macbeth act 1, scene 3 |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
i think i just realised what your name means!!! i was waiting for my computer to load [dial up, grrrr...] and i was stuck staring at your name for a bit. if i'm wrong, tell me, but is it what i think it is? do you flip around the d or what? - jen so foul and fair a day i have not seen. - macbeth act 1, scene 3 |
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dastard Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 55in tearing silence |
No... it's okay how it is, although the d was indeed almost flipped around one time... accidently as I was told.  "Only two things are infinite; the universe and humans' stupidity, but I'm not sure yet about the universe." ~Albert Einstein |
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xShUgArHiGhx
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
I liked this one!! Very very goooooooooooooood ShE'S nOt ThE kInDa GiRL..WhO lIkeS tO tElL tHe WorLd AbOuT tHe Way She FEEL'S aBouT hErSelf...ShE tAkEs a LiTtLe TiMe In MakIn uP hEr MiNd.. |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
I like it! Good poem. It seems a bit choppy; like someone said, the puncuation could be better. I loved the ending. If you could make it less sudden, to where it flowed more maybe? Unless the sudden climax is what you were going for. Anyways, good one. Keep it up. Sincerely, Titus "Old Men Love While Young Men Die" Kipling |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
I'll be waitin' when you return my hands off my ears to listen to learn *sniff* so great, dastard, so great! ~I am a computer genius... Hey! How do you turn this thing on?!? |
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