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Crust of Reality
| Teen Poetry #5 |
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Crust of Reality |
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Angel Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551Pennsylvania 
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Sweet is all she knows Her innocence overwhelming At first glance Soft ringlets fall gently Framing an angelic face Cobalt eyes, scarlet lips This angel changes but No one dares look beyond. For this is a mock mask The crust of reality Beyond the surface lies Truth. Her heart is a bitter arctic Never embraced by love The only truth known is Hate. Afraid of her own evil She hides her core sin And her life goes on. Still, the air that surrounds Is foul, somehow tainted The taste fills a room Some way it is impossible For anyone to ignore She is stained. Nonetheless she tries to Camoflage transgression Still, she does not succeed Her core is present Always. ~Susie ~*~Born to Blossom and Bloom to Perish~*~ [This message has been edited by Angel (edited 07-12-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Susan Acacio - All Rights Reserved | |||
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holatuwol Member
since 2001-04-27
Posts 72California, USA |
Little side note before the critique starts... do not start off a free verse poem with something which feels like a meter, because it seems to slaughter everything that follows afterwards. ^^ That is my major criticism of this poem... the emotions are nice, giving a pleasant echo, and the flow is otherwise fine. But... I'll elaborate more on the above. ^_^v Although the first two lines are all right in of themselves, they almost faintly hint at structure which quickly one finds doesn't really exist and that this is a free verse poem. ^^; The thing is, if it's free verse and flows into meter, that's all right, but if it starts out with meter and the meter disappears, there's little you can do to rescue the poem because it'll suffocate and drown in its own created flow. I thought the poem was interesting... it created a lot of images that were brought together relatively well, and I thought that this was definitely a work that was worth the read. ^_^ However, the weakness at the beginning made it seem like a lot less than it is... and the sweetness of the ending in all of its prettiness and the coolness of the echo couldn't quite rescue it in time. There are a few minor spelling mistakes (another qualm), but they didn't hinder the flow all that much... just thought that I'd mention that in case you wanted to do a re-edit of the poem. ^_^ Good spelling can help... unless you misspell on purpose, which didn't seem to be the case the way the poem (excluding the first two lines) flowed. ^_^v In any case, I thought this was a pleasant read, and I'd love to read more of your work. ^_^ Of course, I love to read almost all poetry, so I'm not sure if that's much of a compliment. ^_^;; Okay... I've rambled enough. You've got lots of potential, and I hope that one day, you'll produce a work that will bring all of that potential to light. ^_^v But for now, a few kinks that need to be banged out... Until next time... - holatuwol |
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Angel Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551Pennsylvania |
Thanks for your critique and kind words. I didn't realize I even had the misspellings, I wrote it late the other night. Thanks again. ~Susie ~*~Born to Blossom and Bloom to Perish~*~ |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Ok, well holatuwol said it all. The idea behind the poem was well thought out. Thanks for the read.  ~AF~ GREMLINS ARE TRYING TO STEAL MY PANTS!!!!!!! *sobs* |
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Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
I thought ya did a great job, Susie. Holatuwol made some good points. All in all though It was a nice read. I enjoyed it. |
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Angel Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551Pennsylvania |
AF and Spice~ Thanks you guys. I'm glad you enjoyed it. ~Susie ~*~Born to Blossom and Bloom to Perish~*~ |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Great job here. I really liked this one Angel. I loved how it was written.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
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Angel Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551Pennsylvania |
Dopey, Thanks. That means a lot coming from you. ~Susie ~*~Born to Blossom and Bloom to Perish~*~ |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
you expressed this nicely...i liked it, Susie im addicted to passions in poetry!...are you? |
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allie Member
since 2001-07-09
Posts 218Australia |
I really enjoyed your poems, and for some reason i think it flowed with out perfection... fabulous for an all week peice let alone late at night... Dont change too much! ALLIE |
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Jessica
since 2001-06-28
Posts 350South AL |
Angel... This piece was awesome!! Great work. |
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Angel Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551Pennsylvania |
Anonymous Albert, Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed. Allie, I couldn't work on a piece all week...I don't have the patience  . I was kind of worried about the flow. Thanks.Jessica, Thanks for reading. ~Susie ~*~Born to Blossom and Bloom to Perish~*~ |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
holatuwol said it all, so I'll just commend you for the use of emotion throughout the poem. Nice work, indeed. I enjoyed this. --Marie You think yourself a failure, but perhaps the biggest loss is winning... |
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Angel Senior Member
since 1999-07-02
Posts 551Pennsylvania |
Marie, Thank you. ~Susie ~*~Born to Blossom and Bloom to Perish~*~ |
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