»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #5
»
Manipulative Mind.
| Teen Poetry #5 |
|
Manipulative Mind. |
|
|
Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. 
|
Manipulative Mind. Billowing fog surrounds our leading lady. We find her sitting in a secluded room, unable to move by her own mind’s restrictions. She hears the faint tap of footsteps and begins to tremble… Louder and louder they patter… and then silence. Chills engulf her body as a surprising hand gently traces her spine. The mysterious guest gets a little bolder, He brings his mouth close to her ear.. raising the hair on her arms as his hot breath rushes over her. She screams, yet doesn’t make a sound... She simply turns to liquid as wet lips press against her shoulder. Her chest is heaving as the realization sets in… Though his face can’t be seen, and not a word either utters… They know the other’s identity. Tears slowly begin to trickle down her cheek. She longs to meet his lips as they travel up her neck. Decades later, their kiss unites. Yet her lips are unable to pucker… Tormenting herself, she fights and pleads with her own will. She tries everything she can to stir them. Her tears are at a steady stream now. She closes her eyes in self-defeat. Shattered into a million pieces, she curses her imagination. Its cruel tricks are becoming far to real for her to handle. All she wants, all she ever wants, is to engage in a simple exchange of a kiss. As always, sucky title. Blah to the poem too...but it came to my wee lil head so I thought I'd share.  I know, It's a bit "story" like, but oh well. I'm kinda mad at myself, It's not pissy like all my others...It's more desperate sounding-if that makes sense at all...( I like my Alanis Morisette "You Oughtta Know" style much better...LOL...) Anyway- Off I go! Thanks for reading. Mua! You wouldn't worry about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did. |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Jessica L. Thompson - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
keoni Senior Member
since 2000-10-16
Posts 850Up in the mountains in the NFC |
I'm first to reply!I do have to admit I like your Alanis Morisette style better too.This one was good, but like you said kinda desparte sounding.Spice desperate!I doubt it.NEways, it's good to read something new Spice. Jon "Your anger is a gift"-Rage Against The Machine |
||
Android 17
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664Winnipeg |
Hmmm...this was pretty good! And there's nothing wrong with wanting to experience a frist kiss...just take my advice and enjoy it. Because, you'll only get it once...and kissing'll never feel quite as magical as the first... |
||
|
Spice Senior Member
since 2001-04-13
Posts 1266Resting in my cardboard box. |
Keoni- Ya, I totally agree with you. Do me a favor and piss me off so I can write in rage again! LOL HeHeHe, I love reading replies cause I like to see how people interpret what I write. First kiss you say? ACTUALLY, it started as a dream... The "Billowing fog"...I VERY RARELY am able to see in my dreams. Usually it's like my eyes are all cloudy and their is thick fog everywhere so I'm constantly rubbing my eyes... SO ya, Thats why that was there, to show that I was dreaming, as was the "Mind's restrictions" and thats why she "cursed herself" and was "tormenting herself" etc etc...Because it was HER dream, and the one thing she wanted to do her own mind wouldn't allow her to...She just had to sit there...And all the pain and agony she felt was shown through her tears, notice how they got stronger and stronger as the touch increased to a kiss and the kiss moved from her shoulder to her lips...etc etc..YA anyway- Thats the kick arse thing about writing...ONe write could be interpreted in so many ways...And to read all those ways not only lets you see the poem in a new light, but it also can open ME up for new ideas. So ya, Thanks for sharing your take on it. You wouldn't worry about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did. |
||
|
anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
 ...THERE ya go!..  ...HeHe.sexy MaMa chicken rooster!...  ...this was deeply impressive...an fine piece of work..you have written here.and seeing various sytles of your writing?...im LOVING it!..  ...buh bye  [This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 09-06-2001).] |
||
|
cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
All she wants, all she ever wants, is to engage in a simple exchange of a kiss. LOVED the ending- you always seem to get the endings down to par! hmmmmmmm.... but i have to be honest with you here jesa, i didnt like this one as much as i liked some of your other ones. dont doubt the fact that you write well! cuz you do..the colourful images portrayed within this is enough evidence for that! i think you did an excellent job with the imagery- very vivid and very discriptive, i liked the poem for that.*sighs*...but it lacked the emotion and gut-kicking most of your other poems hold. i know that you write better under rage and that its better when your real life emotions are reflected within a poem, but this one just didnt kick it hard enough. how to make it better? i wouldnt have a clue. you said that it was written as a dream and your sentences were wonderfully slow, so there's nuthing you can change there. and as i said before the images were equally great.so im sorry that i cant help you out more .. *nows your chance to kill me* S |
||
|
anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
The imagination and thought you put into this piece is evident Jesa BUT you could go further with this piece. Some of the lines are just magical, like your ending, but others need something more. The one I felt needed something extra to go into it was this one. "Tormenting herself, she fights and pleads with her own will. She tries everything she can to stir them." You jump onto the next part. It needs something else. You come across an important part in the piece and only have two lines to describe it! I know the imagination you have and you have the ability to conjure up something magnificant. The others you can look at yourself. Jesa, you have a talent and you need to really release it. We all know what you can do so show us! You have a few times so why stop there? Keep on writing. ~AF~ "Kelly's my Hero!" "No, Kelly's your heroine." "Kelly has heroin??" "What?" |
||
|
HopelessRomanticGuy Member
since 2001-08-17
Posts 495LI, New York |
I have to say I agree...it DID lack the kick ass of the other poems you've written, but is still very good. Then again, I've only seen three other works, so I really can't talk can I? Oh well. Hope to see more, and don't worry, I'm sure you'll get pissed again soon, and we'll be hear to sell off... I mean read those exelent writings. HeHe *sweats nervously* hehe.... riiight. Rich Love will come and love will go, but friends are forever (usually). |
||
|
Acies
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-07
Posts 7665Twilight Zone |
Jesa, maybe you should try Prose. You seem to be really good at it. You're a natural story teller. I hope to see you try at least on day. Thanks for sharing hi Sweets, Lizzy, Kris, Ina, Allysa, Erica, Minna, Kit, Kamie, Javi, Jenn, Sharon, Nan, Cawlee, Cherish, Ashley, Sara, Justine, Leah, Jess, Kimmie, Ma |
||
|
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Oh wow, I really liked this one Jess. very well written. You have the creative mind of a true poet. Very nicely done.  I was born myself, raised myself, and will continue to be myself. The world will just have to adjust. |
||
|
Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
I liked this... it was so creative. hehe but when I saw "leading lady" I thought of Pres. Bush's wife.... which made me think of the other Mrs. Bush...and then that made me think of that old Queen of Eng. lady...lol so this whole time I'm seeing this old lady and it kinda ruined it for me....lol I'm strange. Anyway, to the person who was talking bout the first kiss; it's not always magical. My frist "real" kiss was annoyingly messy, and with the wrong guy. Blah. heheAnyway, nuff rambling. I'm off Jenn "You've got to get yourself together, you got stuck in a moment, and you can't get out of it." |
||
|
NathanS Member
since 2001-09-27
Posts 106CA |
Woow, excelent poem ~noddlz~ yeppa, i liked it very much indeed. The first lady thing kind of gave me an odd intro feeling, but the rest of the poem straightened it out. Very very well written Great work! Library! -Nathan |
||
|
Alyssa
since 2001-05-30
Posts 385IM ENGAGED!!!!! |
Jesa! i liked this, but i do have to say i like the other style better..hehe but i do have to say this had me glued to the screen!!! "If I made you mad today, would you still love me tomorrow?"-Incubus |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
