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Open Poetry #9
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Alleviation
| Open Poetry #9 |
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Alleviation |
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snowpants Member Elite
since 2000-09-16
Posts 2061KS |
I'm so glad To see these raindrops; I've never been So at home. I've been rather misplaced lately, But in this downpour, I can pull the covers Over my head And indulge in The sound of the rain On the roof. It seems the focus Is taken from my downfalls When the floods demand All of the attention. The pressure is relieved When all hands Must tend to the deluge. I made a straight shot; However, at the wrong target. There's nothing like The opportunity to run When the eyes stray, If just for a moment. This square box With the bent corners Contains the jewels After which I aspire. In that dingy old suitcase Are the few essentials That get me through When luxury just won't do. Look-- Is that a rain cloud? |
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| © Copyright 2000 snowpants - All Rights Reserved | |||
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
"When all hands Must tend to the deluge. I made a straight shot; However, at the wrong target." great lines here... thanks for posting!  ~ all you can really ever expect out of life is a sincere apology and some decent poetry ~ |
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Sage Elizabeth New Member
since 2000-09-16
Posts 9 |
I like the style of this poem and the flow of your words. I agree, great lines that pull you in. Thanks for letting me read this. Sage |
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snowpants Member Elite
since 2000-09-16
Posts 2061KS |
Thank you for the encouraging comments, doreen peri and Sage Elizabeth!! It's an honor to have positive feedback from fellow poets!!  sp |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
sp, I really enjoyed your poem -- your words definitely pulled me in. One thing you might want to consider, though, is changing the length of the lines -- make them a little longer. This poem is meant to flow, and right now, in such small nuggets per line, it kinda skips. Not that a staccato beat isn't bad, but this one deserves legato. I see great things in this. Mike |
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snowpants Member Elite
since 2000-09-16
Posts 2061KS |
Thanks, Mike, for the suggestion. I will definitely take that into consideration! I'm glad you liked it, though. sp |
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BirdeeB Member
since 2000-09-16
Posts 106USA |
Hey Sweets, That was great. I love the rhythm of it. BirdeeB "So don't judge me by my failures, only by my dreams" SR71 |
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snowpants Member Elite
since 2000-09-16
Posts 2061KS |
Thanks, BirdeeB! I'm glad you liked it!  sp |
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Lone Wolf Member Ascendant
since 2000-03-16
Posts 5842Lansing, MI USA |
snowpants, Wonderful writing!! I really like your style. Just had to read this!!! Lone Wolf Poetry should surprise by fine excess...it should strike the reader as a wording of his own highest thoughts and appear almost a remembrance. -J.Keats |
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Paula Finn Member Ascendant
since 2000-06-17
Posts 5546missouri |
MMMMMM I love the rain...and I can feel it in your words...great write |
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snowpants Member Elite
since 2000-09-16
Posts 2061KS |
Lone Wolf: thanks for the compliment! Paula Finn: yes, the rain is the best, isn't it?? Glad you enjoyed! sp |
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Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song |
Give me the cleansing downpour of rain anyday....while some people find it gloomy....I cherish those days. Wonderfully write you bring to us. |
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Butterflies_dont_cry Member Elite
since 2000-03-06
Posts 3733Michigan |
Such power in the work...you captured so many feelings with this piece. The flow was excellent as well. Great writing SP! |
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snowpants Member Elite
since 2000-09-16
Posts 2061KS |
Mark: I think the rain is definitely more inspiring than the sunshine. Thanks! Butterflies: thanks for the great compliments! Glad you enjoyed! sp |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
SnowPants~ I liked your downpour. Short spurts of showers falling in soft surround Yet pounding-pounding-pounding as they hit the ground Felt like the real thing to me ! Well written. ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ noles1@totcon.com |
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Dee Member Elite
since 2000-08-19
Posts 2330Queensland, Australia |
Snow Pants, I loved the sound of this. Great poem. Dee |
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juliet_2u Senior Member
since 2000-07-23
Posts 1125North Carolina |
As one who simply adores a good rain I have to say this is great sp. I loved everything about it. Juls |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
Very picturesque Snowpants! There's nothing like the rain to wash the cares away ... I've always loved it, very nicely penned! Best wishes, /Kit |
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snowpants Member Elite
since 2000-09-16
Posts 2061KS |
Marge: thank you so much for your always-so-colorful response, and for the little bonus verse you squeezed in there, too! Dee: thanks for reading! glad you liked it! juliet: isn't the rain the best??? my co-workers think I'm nuts because I get excited when it rains so hard that you hear it on the roof! Thanks! Kit: yes, a good rain is definitely a great antedote for all sorts of troubles! thanks!! sp |
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