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lizzy-luv
Junior Member

since 2002-10-12

Posts 20
new hampshire..oh, the hicks abound

0 posted 2002-10-14 01:07 AM

6*28*02
Drooping <*dripping> coffee cup here.
                                         And you're home
inyour self-perfect silence. I can just
taste this stillness flowing away into the
back of my throat.
                        I can feel it leaving.
And these days aren't pulling into sense.
Breaking corridors inmy thoughts.
You're not missing the things you always miss.
What will you miss when I can't throw
it into myself?
                    What happens when some
gets to you? I can't absorb everything.
<*I don't forget.>
                       Smoke and voices rising
from the tables.
                      Impending eyes. Is it gonna
Stay past me giving? Smellling unwanted
tastes. Losing this padding.
           You're getting closer to the spine.
And you're not gonna stay through the bone.
And your clean-world mind isn't gonna make it.
No matter how many of my love drip into the cup.
                                       <*cracked>

'everyone is broken by something they love and worship'(Fransesca Lia Block)
*lizzy*

[This message has been edited by lizzy-luv (10-14-2002 01:08 AM).]

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2002-10-15 07:05 AM

Lizzy, my first comment would be to exchange the carats < > for either brackets or parentheses...simply because to me, carats imply you copied this off from an e-mail and placed the poem in here.

Second, are yourunning words together justto exhibit a visual effect?  I would suggest if this is in here for critical analysis, I would also suggest you do it if the poem pulls it together in a rushed sort of sequence.

English:  lose "gonna".

Finally, I'm not only trying to hone my skills as a poet, but also in analyzing poems to help others, so forgive me my weak attempts...I think you have the beginnings of a good poem, and the more experienced folks will be in here soon!

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2002-10-15 12:08 PM

'Drooping <*dripping> coffee cup here.'

Clever beginning- it made me smile. I read it as the coffe cup introducing itself, I don't know if that's what you meant, but that was my instantaneous interpretation.

'And you're home
inyour self-perfect silence. I can just
taste this stillness flowing away into the
back of my throat.'

I really like the wording. It does make me question my initial interpretation of the coffee cup though- because how can a coffee cup drink coffee? Is that what you mean by the second sentence in these lines?

'I can feel it leaving.'

See, this makes me think of the coffee cup again.

'And these days aren't pulling into sense.
Breaking corridors inmy thoughts.
You're not missing the things you always miss.'

I really like these lines. Great wording, this seems very realistic to me.

'What will you miss when I can't throw
it into myself?'

This I read as a woman wondering how much more she can hide, or cover up, or smooth over so that it seems okay, until the man she's with notices that she can't make it all okay anymore.

'What happens when some
gets to you? I can't absorb everything.
<*I don't forget.>'

I think that 'some gets to you?' is really awkward. Some what? It just runs too contrary to normal English expression, rubs me the wrong way. In fact, I think this whole section is repetitious anyway; it seems to me that you've basically already said all this in the last stanza.

'     Smoke and voices rising
from the tables.
                      Impending eyes.'

I really love this imagery.

'Is it gonna
Stay past me giving? Smellling unwanted
tastes. Losing this padding.
           You're getting closer to the spine.
And you're not gonna stay through the bone.
And your clean-world mind isn't gonna make it.
No matter how many of my love drip into the cup.
                                       <*cracked>'

I don't think I really get what you're going at in this last section. Might be me, might be that the poem isn't being clear enough- not sure.

Overall, I like this, I think your wording is really good, if kind of confusing in some places. Hope I've helped.

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