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Persistent
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Persistent |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
The wind is a rascal, whips up squalls, raises cane, likes to play the game of sneaking up on her, when she least expects it, to slip beneath her skirt, watch her spin, pout, pat the folds down tight. He likes to caper, take her in a rollicking rush brushing against her skin, to hear her laughter, faster, faster, faster, flushed from a sudden gust until she whines with a shiver in defeat at last pleasured with the playful romp, but wiggles and giggles that started as play become heated, excited and without delay the wind wraps around her in a whirl, whisking her off into the eye of the storm. caterina [This message has been edited by caterina (10-01-2002 08:58 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Carol Jane Bleichert - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
hey Cat liking this one. I'll be back to critique it when the world isn't swimming around me...  K |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Hello caterina, Firstly, I'd like to suggest two alternatives to the way you have this laid out right now:
Now, I'm guessing, but I imagine that you ran it out like that to heighten the feeling first, of the wind rushing, blowing, lifting, flirting… second, of the feel, the rush, the way you described the "scene" so well that a dozen memories flipped through my mind as I felt myself carried along with your words. If this is your intention (which I think is a darn good idea), then may I suggest killing the punctuation completely? Break the lines, and let the pauses come from that instead of commas, etc. I think you could maintain the same "breathless" feeling, and add to the flow. The only true "gripe" I have is with "raises cane." To me it seems cheap in this poem, ill-fitting the concept and execution. Too cliché by far, in my op. Whether you follow my suggestion above or not, perhaps you could consider crunching the "faster, faster, faster" into "fasterfasterfaster," as it would accentuate the "speedy" factor you're looking for both verbally and visually. Just a thought. I liked the internal rhymes that you sprinkled in… except for "play / delay," and I think that's only because it follows immediately after "wiggles / giggles." The hard part is that it would sound good without the wiggles/giggles, but I LIKE that part too. It's a toss up for me, and I have no real suggestions here, so just ignore me if you'd like, lol. All told, I really enjoyed this poem. As I said it brought about memories, and did so without me even realizing it was doing so. The jump between stanzas is curious at first, but so well played that that portion too I didn't even notice until a reread. Well done caterina!  Chris |
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YeshuJah Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 65FL USA |
Caterina, this is a delightful piece of work. I enjoyed it. A few nits; the commas seem too many throughout the poem, and I stumbled at 'raising cane'thought it should have been Cain instead of 'cane'. Additionally, I would not place a line break in the poem, I think it would work well as one body. The poem seems sexual in nature to me- if that's the intention- I find it rather tastefully done. Loved it. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Caterina, not much I can add to what has been said. I do find the piece to have a sensual feel to it that migh be enhanced if you desired by replacing a few words here and there, but as it it written, and with the suggestions you have been given it certainly stands on its own. All this is of course only a perspective and as the author you know more than any of us what it is you want to convey.... does it do that in your mind? If so then what of the suggestions given so far might strengthen the things you intended or correct possible distractions? enjoyed the read... and enjoyed the comments as well. |
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Fuji Junior Member
since 2002-09-23
Posts 26 |
I'm surprised by all the feed back. As one poem explained I had been leaving, and spent 3 days on a bus. Sorry I couldn't post a reply to all of you sooner. For now I'm just going to say thanks everyone. After I have time to read all the posts, I'll absorb, reflect, and reply again. Till then thanks again |
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Fuji Junior Member
since 2002-09-23
Posts 26 |
oops wrong topic area sorry, but since i'm here. Poem was nice. When you say raising cane do you mean raising caine, or raising kane by chance. wasn't sure. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Cat, I guess it's fair to say that I liked it. It brought back a fond, if impolite, memory of an easier time. Thanks for that. The memory was so vivid that it inspired me to write a shortie that I just posted. Now for the technicals. Forget what Chris said about the capitals and run-on sentences. Leave them. I rather enjoyed them as is. I didn't see "raises cane" as all that bad a cliche. I think Yeshujah is right though that it should be cain (or even Cain according to Webster's). The play/delay rhyme does seem a little much but I don't think I would have even noticed had Chris not pointed it out. I do agree for sure on keeping wiggles and giggles. The lines are probably fine as written. Again, after reading his comments and rereading the poem, it does seem to have a few commas. I can't see that any of them are wrong though. You might look into his idea of removing some of them and making more use of line breaks. I would not suggest trying to remove all though as, to me anyway, that would make a lot of very short lines. Of course, I never claimed to know anything about writing without punctuation. In fact, I don't really know much about writing with punctuation. Thanks, Pete |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Sev, hope everything is ok. I welcome your thoughts on this, so whenever your ready. Chris, Ditch the capital letters?...oh my, what will people say?lol and kill the punctuation too?...you are encouraging me to be a rebel? Ok, I'll try it your way and see what happens and yeah, I can take 'raises cane' out...no problem, it won't be missed, sounds fine without it. I really like that idea of cunching 'fasterfasterfaster'-- never would have thought of that. I will think on the wiggles/giggles, play/delay and see if there is another way I can work it. I am glad you liked it Chris and thanks for the wonderful crit. Yesh, You liked it too! That's wonderful. Uhuh, I thought 'cane' wasn't correct, I didn't check...darn, but I will be dropping that part so that takes care of that problem. And yes, it is a playful sexual poem. Thanks for popping in Yesh, I appreciate it. Cpat Hair, Yes, I will be using some of the suggestions that have been offered. I did feel good about this one when I wrote it, sometimes I lose my focus but I felt I maintained it here. I am glad you liked it and thankyou. Pete, Yes, I noticed the poem that you wrote, that's wonderful. As you know, I am thinking on removing the cain line. I will look at the commas and line breaks although that is an area that I have difficulty with, but I'll give it a try. I am glad it brought back fond memories. Thankyou. Thanks Fuji. caterina |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Yay it's me! ~listens for the roars of appreciation, and exclamations of delighted surprise~ Oh. There are none. Oh well. Er...right...the critique then. Ahem. (btw Cat - I'm fine now, had a bit o' a weird day yesterday, but nothing has suffered permanent damage - least of all my ego...heh. Thanks). Seems I got here a bit late though...since your cool little poem was obviously good bait for the critiquing fishies.. Ok here we go. Firstly I have to do a bit of wink wink nudge nudge in terms of the latest in-joke... OMG C - you suggested no punctuation? Did yesterday truly affect my head? Now having said that and having read the poem and NOT because of my own personal stance on punctuation (sigh, it's sad when one has to disclaim away) I (and oh this hurts) agree with C completely about the punctuation and about breaking up the lines to create your pauses. Why? The pace, the tone, the achievement of the message, the imagery..this is an unfettered poem, with unfettered language - why fetter it with grammatical convention? Just because grammar is the canon of language, it doesn't mean we can't move past it to free our own works. ~taking an impassioned breath~ Onto individual lines. The first line. It reads like a simple statement. The wind is a rascal. How about something like 'the rascal wind' or 'the wind rascal' etc just to make it a little more complex, thought-provoking. Turn a statement into a poetical exploration. Not that statements can't be poetical, I just feel that for the purposes of this particular poem, something that isn't quite so flat would work better. Mainly because this poem has a lifting, musical quality. I have a problem with the 2nd/3rd line: "likes to play the game of sneaking up on her" this is very clunky and awkward. It's also a concept that is common. Which is fine, but I think it could be a plan to rearrange it a little - I definitely suggest removing the 'up on her' from the end. That just doesn't work. Maybe read it out loud to yourself, if you don't do that already. 'whines with a shiver'? Is whine the voice you want to go with? Whine has a very negative connotation. Possibly you're going for a play on words - linking it to the whine of the wind etc, but I still don't think that is enough to carry it over. 'pleasured with the playful romp' pleasured with doesn't read right. Plus you use play in the very next line - it seems like thoughtless repetition. I'd just stick with romp without an adjective in front of it. 'the wind wraps around her in a whirl, whisking her off into the eye of the storm' having both whirl and whisking together seems both repetitious and almost tautological. I'd kill whirl and simply have 'the wind wraps around her and whisks her off into the eye of the storm' or something similar. Hokies, that's about it for now...oh I just reread your replys to C and Pete - if you ever want to have a ramble about linebreaks, grammar and punctuation send a mail my way...  You may have noticed I have a few er opinions on the subject.. K |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Caterina Most of what I might have said has been said. I did like this poem, maybe not quite as much as the one you deleted. You are a talented writer. I hope to see you post another I can get my talons into when I get back. Regards Rob |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Making  ~roars of appreciation, and exclamations of delighted surprise~ right now. Hi K  Liked your critique.Pete |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Sev, glad all is ok with ya. As you can see your roars of appreciation and exclamations of surprise are there. What a rowdy bunch! You are too funny Pete, I got a good chuckle out of that. Ok, punctuation and line breaks...I agree with you and Chris and since I haven't started a revision yet (because I was waiting for you ) that is something I will concentrate on. 'The rascal wind' sounds good Sev or what about 'The wind, a rascal' Now, with 'whines with a shiver'...I wasn't really thinking on the whining of the wind when I wrote that, it was more like her saying... 'alright, alright, stop, stop, I give up, you win' kind of thing, but I'll think on it, I might leave it though, not sure. 'pleasured with the playful romp'-- I agree with you there, actually I did notice that I had playful/play and so left it to see if anyone would pick up on it. So yes, I'll just go with 'pleasured with the romp' and for some reason the word 'romp' bothers me too and I don't really know why. I'm going to think on that a little more also. Whirl/whisking... yes, I agree with you and I have changed that ending so many times so I guess I'll work on it a bit more. That was wonderful, thankyou for coming back to me, I appreciate your crits-- everyone has given me such great feedback on this one. I'll post a revision sometime soon. caterina |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Rob, Thankyou, that was kind of you to say. I'll try and be ready for you when you come back. Have a safe journey. caterina |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Cat, seeing you struggle with the rascal wind also reminds me of another incident from college days. I was waiting for an outside elevator, along with a young coed, on a fairly windy day. Just as the door opened, an unexpected gust swirled along, blowing her skirt right over her head. As we got on the elevator and she managed to get it back in place, she realized that I had observed the entire incident. She quickly composed herself and said, "my, isn't the wind frisky today." Pete |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Yep,that frisky wind sneaks up on her when she least expects it, just like a man, frisky. Maybe I should incorporate that word in my poem, it's perfect. Hmmm, I'm going to think about that. Thankyou for sharing that moment with me Pete, it gave me a chuckle and what a lovely memory to have. It was just what I needed to perk up my day. caterina |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
YAY! I got a roar and an exclamation - both at once! My my...I'm so overvelmed Pete, just so overvelmed...  Cat - you waited for me? For me? Oh my...I'm overvelmed aghain... heh hey - I'll be waiting for that revision... K |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Caterina: I'm glad to see you persisted with "Persistence". This is also, in my opinion, a significant improvement over your previous post. The theme is much more consistent from what I remember. On that note, nice work. The others covered the crits well. I disagree with Chris regarding the punctuation and caps, only because I think it is more of a matter of taste than anything else. Jim P.S. Also, it seems you exposed Pete as a voyeur ... Pete, Pete, Pete ... gotta watch them accountants.  |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Jim, I hope you were not calling me an accountant  |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
caterina, I thoroughly enjoyed this, and thought that there was not much need for change. I especially liked the alliteration and sound play in... "He likes to caper, take her in a rollicking rush brushing against her skin, to hear her laughter, faster, faster, faster," Great job, cat, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Pete's an accountant? Oh well, i used to like him... oh - as to the rest: in some part, Jim, you may be right about the lack of/inclusion of punctuation revolving around personal taste... but i'm not so sure in this case. as kamla pointed out, this is a rushed, frisky (i like that one too Cat, put it in, put it in... oh, that sounds bad, you know what i mean  ) - anyway, it's a fast poem. take out the punctuation (you can leave the capitalization i suppose) accentuates that with feeling and not just word.'course that's just my op. [This message has been edited by Christopher (10-11-2002 04:36 AM).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I am NOT an accountant  |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
I enjoyed this poem! Personification of the wind as a "he" is good. I would have liked the first person singular: "....sneaking up on me," IMHO the poem becomes more powerful that way. Below are my suggestions. The wind is a rascal, whips up squalls, raises cane, likes to play the game of sneaking up on me when [I] least expect it. To slip beneath [my] skirt, to watch [me] spin, pout, [and]pat the folds down tight. [the "and" tones down the cacophanous alliteration of "pout" "pat".] He likes to caper, take [me] in a rollicking rush brushing [softly] against [my] skin, to hear [my] laughter, faster, faster, faster, flushed [by] a sudden gust until [I whimper] with a shiver in defeat [The verb "whimper" conveys your helplessnes in the face of the "wind's" insistance better. The word "whining" recalls children insisting on getting their own way.] At last pleasured with the playful romp, wiggles and giggles that started as play become heated, and without delay the wind wraps [itself] around [me] [] whisking [me] off into the eye of the storm. [The prepositional phrase: ["....in a whirl" seems redundant since: "wrapping around me" conveys that image.] Just suggestions. Good poem. Enjoyed! Thanks for sharing. [This message has been edited by Radrook (10-13-2002 03:42 PM).] |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
Thanks for the crit Rad-- your suggestion of 1st person is interesting... I'll think about that. I agree that 'whine' is not so great-- I changed it to 'sigh' but I kinda like 'whimper.' And the 'whirl'-- it's gone, I sorta changed the ending again. Thanks again for the suggestions. caterina |
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caterina Member
since 2002-07-25
Posts 188Canada |
oops! I came back in to reread the crits and just noticed that Jim and warmht responded. Sorry 'bout that guys. Jim, yeah-- I pulled a quick one on you last time if I remember correctly. Thanks for popping in to say you liked it-- I was kind of wondering what you thought. Warmht-- thankyou, it was fun to do.... glad you like it. caterina |
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