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Tree Bench
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Tree Bench |
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deadeyes Junior Member
since 2001-11-07
Posts 33 |
Ok this is my first time writing in Critical Analysis. I usually write in teen poetry and Open Poetry but b/c usually my poetry is simbolic I wanted to see what you guys thought of one of my poems and give it a shot. The dead trees swim through the breeze drifting beside the subconscious. The gardenias stand on their feet while the anonymous looks for it's trail. Machines are running on ommissions while the brightness sucks in the madness. While rocks stare at the sculptures finding a possibility through selection. Yet, why is this entity? This reason to swim into thoughts. Is there an explanation to a mystery? Or the unknown tries to explain a being. A place where dead leaves sink and metaphors scream for meaning. A reason to freely arouse a posture but a shade blurs it's purpose. Where silent benches show their muses and a puppet greets his insecurity. While blood turns into solace and a new scene unfolds. "Silencio..no hay banda..no hay orquesta." "We hear a band yet we don't see a band". It is all a recording." "Silencio. It is all an illusion". [This message has been edited by deadeyes (09-11-2002 06:58 PM).] |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Hi.... I don't really have time to reply in-depth right now, I'll probably come back to this later, but I had to notice: 'The dead tress swim through the breeze' Is 'tress' supposed to be 'trees?' Just wondering.... because I think you could work some interesting imagery and metaphor arouns the first line as is... I did not design this game, I did not name the stakes |
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deadeyes Junior Member
since 2001-11-07
Posts 33 |
Yeah man jeje Juat a little glitch. "Silencio..no hay banda..no hay orquesta." |
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geenabee Member
since 2002-09-10
Posts 59NC--USA |
OK i aint no master critter here, but i'm gonna give it a shot I like all your metaphors. They're a little hard for ME to understand, but that might mean i'm a little slow  I have a few questions though. "Is there an explanation to a mystery./Or the unknown tries to explain a being" This line is very cornfusticating to me... maybe if you put AS the unknown tries to explain a being...and include it as a suffix to the thought above?? "A reason to freely arouse a posture" sounds good, but what about "a reason to freely assume a posture" but a shade blurs its purpose how about a shadow blurs its purpose (and I KNOW you know that it's is not a possessive pronoun...it's a contraction lastly, "Yet, why is this entity." Is this a succinct way of expressing a question about Why We're All Here? or what.....how about "Yet, why exists this entity" or "Yet, from what comes this entity" I dunno...I like that your poem is so thought provoking!! I hope I don't bother you with my pesky questions; maybe if I was smarter I could figger it all out on my own glad to read ya, geenabee |
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deadeyes Junior Member
since 2001-11-07
Posts 33 |
About your reply geenabe: 1.Changing as to or would change my perspective on that line. 2.I wrote "Yet, why is this entity." in this manner b/c it sounds more like a person was questioning it.. the ones you suggested sound more like something i'd see in prose. 3.Thanks for clearing up the contraction thing..sometimes I unconsciously forget basic stuff like that..maybe it's b/c i'm too concentrated on the message stuff like that gets skipped. Thanks for replying. "Silencio..no hay banda..no hay orquesta." |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Hi dead eyes, You have some interesting metaphors, but my first impression is that the images are too dominant, the emotions are too cryptic. I am all for poetry that is thought provoking and involves reading between the lines, but to be successful these poems should have a common thread, or basic theme that the reader can follow. I think the poem jumps too much, it raises many questions but seems to resolve none. Though this maybe the purpose of the poem “metaphors scream for meaning.” That said a poem can be cryptic and paint surreal images but I think you should let these images breathe a little more, maybe describe one scene instead of several or create a clearer connection between these metaphors. i.e what is the relevance of the machines in verse two. You move from the organic metaphor of Trees to the mechanical metaphor and back to the organic metaphor. It is just a little confusing. Clare to win the All Ireland hurling championship. Go on the Banner |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Below is a brief edit. I made a more comprehensive one where I gave the reasons for my edits. But it was somehow erased. So I offer this brief one for now. The dead trees [glide] through the breeze drifting beside the subconscious. The gardenias [come to]their feet while []anonymous looks for [his] trail. Machines are running on ommissions [and] the brightness sucks in [their] madness. [River] rocks stare at the sculptures finding [possibilities] through selection. Yet, why is this.... [] This reason to swim into thoughts? Is there an explanation to a mystery? [Does]the unknown try to explain a being [or] a place where dead leaves sink and metaphors scream for meaning? A reason to freely arouse []posture [][and to]shade purpose? [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-16-2002 10:35 PM).] |
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