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Sono Pronto
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Sono Pronto |
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Kunoichi Junior Member
since 2002-08-17
Posts 10US of A |
Glue me to the periwinkle edges of your soul. I am color-blind in a world of reflected prism, But you lead me through sleepless nights And weave for me even deeper dreams. I taste your scent on every naked fingertip: The rough callous of my left hides you, The sound frailty of my right reveals you, Together, they mold you into me. I am buried deep inside the roots of your love. Your soil covers every inch of my body. Let it stain me through to the very bone, Then all will know what I am. We are two halves of a whole, separated by freedom. I am drowning in the ocean of hope. Come rescue what little is left of my tired being; Savor the saltwater that spills from my face. Forget swords and shields, armor and steeds; My hero should not be weighed down by pride. Fly to me swiftly on God's good wind. I am ready! I am ready! To love. [This message has been edited by Kunoichi (09-02-2002 02:38 PM).] |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
I enjoyed reading this fine poem. It is a skillful representation of the normal human psychological and emotional need for oneness with a significant other. Genesis 2 23"At last!" Adam exclaimed. "She is part of my own flesh and bone! She will be called `woman,' because she was taken out of a man." 24This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. There are a few changes that will strengthen this beautiful poem. My recommendations are in brackets: Glue me to the periwinkle [azure] edges of your soul. [I find azure is better because it is immediately recognized.] [The adjective "periwinkle" made me think of that cartoon character--Bullwinkle. But not everyone is familiar with this cartoon character so I guess not everyone will react this way.] I am colorblind in a world of reflected prisms. But you lead me through sleepless nights and weave for me even deeper dreams. I taste your scent on every naked fingertip: [How so? The image seems one of infidelity here.] The rough callous of my left hides you. The sound [smooth] frailty of my right reveals you. Together, they mold you into me. I am buried deep inside the roots of your love. This [Your] soil covers every inch of my body. Let it stain me through to the bone, so they [who]? might know what I am. [This last thought raises too many unanswered questions and seems unrelated to the rest of the poem's theme. Who are "they"? Why are "they" so important? What is it that you wish them to know?] The remainder is beautifully and memorably expressed! We are two halves of a whole, separated by freedom. I am drowning in the ocean of hope. Come rescue what little is left of my tired being; Savor the saltwater that spills from my face. Forget swords and shields, armor and steeds; My hero should not be weighed down by pride. Fly to me swiftly on God's good wind. I am ready! I am ready! To love. Your poem's enchanting rhythm is reminiscent of the biblical Song of Solomon where such strong attraction is described in a romantic way. Song of Solomon 7 1 Young Man: How beautiful are your sandaled feet, O queenly maiden. Your rounded thighs are like jewels, the work of a skilled craftsman. 2 Your navel is as delicious as a goblet filled with wine. Your belly is lovely, like a heap of wheat set about with lilies. 3 Your breasts are like twin fawns of a gazelle. 4 Your neck is as stately as an ivory tower. Your eyes are like the sparkling pools in Heshbon by the gate of Bath-rabbim. Your nose is as fine as the tower of Lebanon overlooking Damascus. 5 Your head is as majestic as Mount Carmel, and the sheen of your hair radiates royalty. A king is held captive in your queenly tresses. |
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Kunoichi Junior Member
since 2002-08-17
Posts 10US of A |
Wow, thanks a bunch Radrook for your awesome reply. I didn't think you'd like it so much. ^_^ I was really hoping that this piece would come off as a lot less lustful and selfish as my other, "Adam's Rib." I'll edit in some of the suggestion you made that I really liked. Just a few things tho.. Periwinkle..I'm keeping that only because of the color's meaning (to me). Azure is a striking blue and very clear, but periwinkle is soft and not so eye-catching. So, when I want to be glued to the "periwinkle edges" of his soul..It's because I want to be where no one has been yet and see what has yet to be discovered. Periwinkle to everyone else, but one day "azure" to me.  Thanks for that suggestion tho.I'm kind of hesitant to change "sound" to "smooth" only because..I'm relating this stanza partly to the fact that I play guitar. "Sound" kind of adds to that, there being class on the fingertips of my left hand and smoothness on my right. I'm not sure. Whatever happens in my edit after this response will go. I understand why you would say smooth, tho, in place of sound.I like the change to "Your" instead of "This" because it specifically gives a role to the person I'm talking to. Thanks for that suggestion. It brings it in a little deeper I think. Continuing in that stanza is the "so they might know.." and you asked who. Well, I'm going to change that to all so it appears as.."So all might know what I am." Of course, this line foreshadows the last three being.."I am ready! I am ready! To love." Thank you for asking that question. Now I can fix confusion. Also, I'm very glad you related this to Songs of Solomon. I love that book. But anywho, yes, I really enjoy incorporating biblical allusions in my work whether or not they are distinct or not so much. Thank you for recognizing my inspiration, which are definitely scenes from the Garden of Eden and words of Solomon. Thank you a whole ton for your opinions and suggestions! |
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geenabee Member
since 2002-09-10
Posts 59NC--USA |
Dear Kunoichi, Hey there, just lettin' you know how much I loved this poem. It made me ponder and feel things that are very womanly I like the periwinkle thing. It's a unique color to add to a poem, I think. And the next part "But you lead me throught sleepless nights/And weave for me ever deeper dreams" wow that's classic!! I think I get the "sound frailty" thing...apart from the guitar or musical allsuion...Lemme see what you think about this theory. To me it suggests that you are accepting something...a shortcoming, or a difference? As if you were left handed in a right handed world. "sound" being something relied upon or expected, and "frailty" being a weakness. So the phrase kinda suggests to me that you are relishing a uniqueness or a shortcoming... I really love "together, they mold you into me" too. I picture praying hands, or lovers on the beach clasping hands. Forshadowing notwithstanding, I do think that "Then all will know what I am" is of a differing flavor than the rest of the lines. Let's see, what would I suggest, "Stain me through to the very bone, and so marked will my soul stand" ?? I dunno. I think your line is much better. I like the metaphysical tone of this poem, reminds me of John Donne in his finer works Thanks again for sharing it, Glad ta read ya, geenabee |
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