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the_loner_23 Member Ascendant
since 2002-06-08
Posts 5479Jacksonville, Florida, USA 
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Why do I feel so empty? So all alone? I wish that my life was happier But I have been shone Life is full of nothing but emptiness Nothing but shame All I am is empty Nothing will ever change. |
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| © Copyright 2002 the_loner_23 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I appreciate the sincerity of this poem. My advice is to take this common theme--I think everyone has felt this way at one time or another--and try to say it in a completely original way. Be careful, too, in works like this one that the speaker in the poem is sympathetic and does not seem to be a mere teenager whining about their angst. Good luck! Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
A little depressing but there is nothing wrong with that. I think it could use a little more thought but I can't put a finger on where or how. If you do work on it, be sure to heed Kirk's advice about not whining. BTW, I think shone should have been shown. Pete |
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Permiabilities Junior Member
since 2002-07-05
Posts 27 |
i liked the poem...it used simplistic words and lines to put forth a simple but common emotion. |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
I think this has some excellent possiblilities, Julie... The word shone should be spelled correctly as shown. Line 5 is a bit awkward... Life is full of nothing but emptiness Instead, you might try it with Life is nothing but emptiness In line 7, you repeat the word empty again... and it always makes a poem much more interesting if you aren't repetitive... so, you might try substituting a synonym such as hollow or vacant or blank. If you don't have a Thesaurus or a synonym finder... it might be a good idea to buy one. As you write more, it will become invaluable. Mine is so well used that it is ragged. Also in line 7, something bothers me about the way the thought is arranged... Not claiming to be an excellent poet or a teacher of poetry, myself... I can't really put a finger on it except to tell you that it might read better if you re-arranged it to read something like I am hollow, void of feeling This might help you to add a bit of imagery too! Also... forgot to mention in line 3 was should be changed to were. I don't want to re-write your poem for you, but I hope this has helped.  ~ hugs and good luckLyra copyright2002 Lyra Nesius "poetry is life distilled" Gwendolyn Brooks [This message has been edited by Madame Chipmunk (09-02-2002 12:55 PM).] |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
What I would suggest is imagery, I know that can be hard creating imagery, but in end it makes a poem more interesting. Instead of merely saying the emotions, hint at them. It is good is the reader has to do some work. Look at the things around whne you feel this way. How does the sky look? Is it raining? WHat is happening in the background? Does everyone else know how you feel? MOre descriptive details would help this poem, they don't have to be complex imagery just detailed enough to set the scene. The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate! |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
Brian is right, Julie... When you think about a scene you are trying to describe, think about something else it might remind you of.... for instance a good metaphor for wedding vows might be threads of promise. Its also a good idea to use concrete objects... real things in your descriptions, and to use a lot of action words... for instance thought can be described as flickers, lighting up your brain... I hope this helps. hugs and grinsLyra |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Loner, I'm gonna go with Brian's opinion and that this poem could use either some imagery or emotional depth. Basically all you've given the reader is a vague outline to read and no colour. You need something to connect the reader to this piece. "Why do I feel so empty? So all alone?" In my opinion you should be telling the reader and not asking them...and if its supposed to be a rhetorical question then give the reader some background info prior to or after. "I wish that my life was happier But I have been shone Life is full of nothing but emptiness" But why? You have said a lot here but have told the reader nothing to justify your words. Questions you might want to ask and try to answer if you decide to revise is, Why do you wish your life was happier?/What would make your life happier?/What have you experienced to make your life full of nothing but emptiness?...etc. "Nothing but shame" Why shame? Fill the reader in to make the poem more interesting to read. Gravity is a neat word but not half as interesting as it is to hear about an apple "plunking" Newton on the head "All I am is empty Nothing will ever change." If you fill in the rest of the poem than you can validate this ending. But as is, in my opinion, its just as vague as the rest. Like I mentioned earlier, you need to find some way to connect the reader to this piece and idea. I appreciate the sentiments behind the work, I think all of us have felt this way and have written a poem with similar themes, but all of our experiences are different, that's why its so important to make it speak with your voice...and the only way to do that is to "fatten" up your poem with descriptions and/or imagery that help tell your version of these feelings. Thanks for the read, Trevor |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
??? [This message has been edited by Radrook (09-06-2002 01:21 PM).] |
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geenabee Member
since 2002-09-10
Posts 59NC--USA |
Hey Loner, Don't know ya, so I'm gonna just come out with how I feel here. I remember a time in my life when all I could write was very sad and depressing verses. This poem reminds me of that time. Of course, everyone here has told you that imagery is important to convey a true emotion, and I feel that is true also. Perhaps adding another stanza would flesh out this work as well. Sometimes we ALL want to sit in front of the tv, watching Sleepless In Seattle and eating Rocky Road ice cream (even the guys). This poem I think would compliment a day like that You have a very good grasp of the cynical, I think. And if you did choose to add another line or two, maybe you could put some irony or humorous bitterness in it. Thanks very much for sharing this emotion. Lonesomeness, I understand, darlin'. Good ta read ya, Geena |
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