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ESP
Member Elite

since 2000-01-25

Posts 2556
Floating gently on a cloud....

0 posted 2000-04-09 02:14 PM

Everybody, this is my first Tanka...please give me tips on improving my style!!! Thanks!!

5-7-7-5

He caresses her,
She melts into his soft arms;
Love unites their hearts and souls.
And two become one.

I'm not sure that I got the form right...please let me know!!

Ok Gene, how about this?

5-7-5-7-7

And two become one....
She melts into his soft arms.
He caresses her;
In the bliss of this moment,
Love unites their hearts and souls.

Better now? Thanks for the form tips, Gene!!
And thank you everybody for your kind comments. Don't know why I am saying this on the main thread instead of in reply but still!!

[This message has been edited by ESP (edited 04-10-2000).]

Jonas
Senior Member

since 2000-03-03

Posts 796
Oregon

1 posted 2000-04-09 05:44 PM

I'm afraid I am not familiar with Tanka, but I love the sentiments expressed here. I will have to look into this format as I like it very much!

"A poet is someone who is astonished by everything."
- anonymous

just_another_fe
Member

since 2000-02-05

Posts 483
MICHIGAN

2 posted 2000-04-09 05:44 PM

i have no idea what a tanka is but this works for me lol good job...5775 is a tanka? it fits

< !signature-->

Don't fear failure so
much that you refuse to
try new things. The
saddest summary of a
life contains three
descriptions:
could have,
might have,
and should have.
--Louis Boone

[This message has been edited by just_another_fe (edited 04-09-2000).]

Lonely Shadow
Member

since 2000-03-14

Posts 128
Virginia

3 posted 2000-04-09 05:58 PM

Well, I'm not too sure what tanka is but I really like the feeling that you express in this piece.< !signature-->

To find love is to know true happiness... to lose love is to lose everything

[This message has been edited by Lonely Shadow (edited 04-09-2000).]

Gene
Senior Member

since 2000-01-23

Posts 935
Colorado, USA

4 posted 2000-04-09 06:11 PM

ESP,

This is beautiful, but ideally a tanka should be five lines of 5-7-5-7-7.

You might consider this:

As two become one,
(add a 7 syllable line here)
He caresses her,
She melts into his soft arms;
Love unites their hearts and souls.

-----

This is only a suggestion, but with a little imagination, this could be a perfect tanka.

~Gene

John the cat
Member

since 2000-03-23

Posts 357
England

5 posted 2000-04-09 07:43 PM

I still say tanka is a big ship that carries oil....I love the words, whatever it is

May your roof never fall in and those beneath it never fall out.

Irish proverb.

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

6 posted 2000-04-09 08:50 PM

Beautiful sentiments in this! And as Gene said you've almost got it!

Denise

ESP
Member Elite

since 2000-01-25

Posts 2556
Floating gently on a cloud....

7 posted 2000-04-10 05:09 AM

Bumping this up so that people can see the fix up of the form error that Gene so kindly pointed out to me!!

Michael

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-13

Posts 7666
California

8 posted 2000-04-10 09:12 AM

Well I never claimed to know what a "tanka" was but I like it both ways, ESP. Beautiful and heartfelt - gets an "A" either way in my book.

Michael

JC
Junior Member

since 2000-04-10

Posts 32
Pennsylvania

9 posted 2000-04-10 01:20 PM

I'm brand new at this...guess I'll have to pull out the old high school and college books on poetry to refresh myself on the styles....I thought it was a beautifully expressed sentiment.

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

10 posted 2000-04-10 01:47 PM

ESP, you did very well the first time and outstanding the second.

Gene
Senior Member

since 2000-01-23

Posts 935
Colorado, USA

11 posted 2000-04-10 02:29 PM

WOW! Second time around is a winner!
This is really something special. Now you've got one of the most beautiful tanka I've read.

~Gene

Chico
Member

since 2000-02-10

Posts 67

12 posted 2000-04-10 06:49 PM

I don't know what a tanka is, (like many others I see, lol) But I like the phrase "two  become one", so mabey you could try a version of "regular old poetry" lol. something like this.

Both once alone,
  Now become one.
her lips touch his own,
  Her love he has won.
Neither could have known,
  When their love had begun.
They'd no longer be alone,
  As two became one ...

Well just my opinion, great poem though..

                  (Smile) -Chico

ESP
Member Elite

since 2000-01-25

Posts 2556
Floating gently on a cloud....

13 posted 2000-04-11 01:36 AM

Thank you everyone for your kind, kind comments. I am totally surprised that I got so many replies on this! Gene, thanks for pointing out the error of the first one.

Love to you all,
Lizzie

Broken_Winged_Angel
Senior Member

since 2000-04-06

Posts 994
Small Town, Somewhere

14 posted 2000-04-11 07:47 AM

You deserve a pat on the back for the lovely way you presented this. It's beautiful.. *grins* Both times.

MAY THE ROAD RISE TO MEET YOU,
MAY THE WIND BE ALWAYS AT YOUR BACK
MAY THE SUN SHINE UPON YOUR FACE
THE RAINS FALL SOFT UPON YOUR FIELDS
AND, UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN,
MAY GOD HOLD YOU IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND

Irish Blessing

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