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For a Haven |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN 
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Here is my latest story, Comments and critiques welcome! The leaden sky hung ominously over the snow clad hills below. There was a threat of snow in the heavy clouds above and I hoped that I could find shelter soon. I took a breath of shockingly cold air and looked about through hooded eyes. The sight was no marvel, a blanket of stark white stretched as far as my fatigue hazed eyes could see. The sight was only broken by tufts of coarse grass and in one far off valley, a slide of somber boulders. Ah! Those cold stones would provide me with ample shelter from the worst of the storm to come, I thought. I give one more doubtful glance to the heavens and began to force myself through the heavy snow towards the somber gray mass. My travel across the snow-cloaked land was slow; my body was growing stiff and weary. I stopped to catch my breath at halfway to the slide and while my lungs were burning my mind began to wander. The wind was biting me with a keen chill and I wished desperately for a warm hearth. The reverie of a merrily crackling fireplace and the warm arms of my beloved around my waist began to warm my heart. I felt a smile ghost across my lips but it fell into a frown as the uncomfortable bulk of my sword brought a cruel point home. I cursed softly, so close to home and yet a million leagues away. I set out again for the cold shelter of the rockslide. The journey took less time than expected and I was relieved that I felt only the first of the crystal blades bite bare skin before I slipped within the shelter of the rock. I slipped with the cragged sentinels and cast my eyes around for a suitable shelter, but it was my nose that found it. Wisps of sulfur brought me to the entrance of a yawning cave and with barely contained joy I thought of hot springs and the heavenly effects of a long warm soak on my weary body. I scrambled into the blackened cave mouth on the heels of the storm. I huddled within the blustery mouth while I fumbled for a flint, steel and a torch. With victorious hands I brought them forth. My hands were quickly going numb and it was with effort that I lit the resinous torch. Accompanied now by the fitful light of the torch I began to delve within the cool tunnel. With one hand running along the rough stone and the other grasping the torch I trod the uneven floor. I walked until my hand slipped from the surface and I found myself within a depthless cavern. In all directions the blackness stretched off, but it was from the left that the sulfur came. Enchanted by that smell I stumbled on in that direction until I found myself standing at the edge of a steaming pool. It was the work of a moment to shed my ice sheathed clothing and slip into the embrace of the sulfurous water. The near scalding liquid quickly went to work and I closed my eyes as the warmth began to work on my tense muscles. My warm mind began to wander again, feelings of soft bathrobes, warm sheets, and smooth skin caressed me as I floated in a gossamer haze. I floated far away on a thread of thought to the door of my own abode. The pale face of my lover looked at me imploringly, gaunt faced children met my eyes with trepidation and stretching all around the dusty town was miles of parched and cracked earth. As my mind became mired in nightmares my head nodded fitfully to my chest. Wrapped in slumber my open mouth swallowed a gulp of sulfurous water. I retched and expelled the disgusting draught and grimaced in distaste as I lifted my eyes and was met with two luminous lavender discs. Danger and panic warred in my mind while my hands fumbled between clothing and sword. I thought of fighting, but fighting something naked was enough to make me wince. The thoughts of dying while putting on my drawers would have been hilarious under other circumstances. Torn with indecision and one hand buried in the sturdy wool and the other white knuckled upon the hilt of my blade I sat for but a moment. Then slitted lavender orbs blurred upwards and a gout of flame mushroomed across the caverns roof and burned upon the very rock. The light flooded the cavern and I blinked against its weight. The site before me was enough to cause me to forget all sense of propriety and swing my blade into guard position and leap from the pool. The form before me shook violently, a great shuddering that extended from his four taloned feet to the heights of his great wings. The shaking caused the scales of his body to dance in myriad hues of green. The dragon shook his head and the purple eyes again fell upon me. They glittered brightly and with a booming laugh the dragon lifted his head and spread his jaws, his teeth shining crimson in the flickering firelight. “Ah dear sir, such entertainment I have never seen!” the dragon rumbled as he lowered his head to my level, “Such a sight! Now put your clothes on before you make a fool of yourself.” I managed to close my jaw without too much goading from the dragon and to wriggle into my stubborn woolens. The dragon settled into a crouch and watched the spectacle with a strange light in its lavender eyes. After I had clothed myself and settled upon a rock the dragon began to stir. “Well, now that you’re settled and clothed,” the dragon snorted, “My name is Abalyl. And this drafty cavern you stumbled upon is my home. I assume you have quite a tale if you are traveling in this wasteland, hmm?” “Well,” I hesitated, suddenly unsure, “my name is Prale. My homeland is in turmoil now and I was sent to find a solution, unfortunately the solution I was sent for was not one. I continued to wander for fear of returning to my people empty handed,” I said while looking down upon the stone floor in a strange gesture of meekness. The dragon’s eyes flared grimly and the look was enough to cause the first tremors of fear. “Why would a village send a handsome young man like yourself into the teeth of danger?” “My mother, Kila, died in childbirth and nobody knew my father, he vanished soon after my mother became pregnant. I’m an orphan and I have nothing to lose,” I said with a rather grim determination. “Well,” said the dragon, “well… that is a most unpleasant situation…” The dragon trailed off. Then his eyes narrowed sharply and he rumbled, “It’s time for sleep, good sir. I hope you have your own accommodations” The great fires upon the ceiling winked out and I felt Abalyl’s presence withdraw from the chamber. I spread my bedroll and before curiosity could assail me, I was lifted into the gentle arms of slumber. Cool grass and a warm breeze. This was what I thought of the moment before I awoke. As my mind opened to the new day shock made me shed the hazy robes of slumber in an instant. I was lying in my village square. It was not the square I remembered though. No cracked earth was here, only verdant growth… And Abalyl. “Well,” the dragon rumbled, “You’re home. Kila misses you, Prale” The dragon fixed me with a luminous look and launched himself into the sky. He spun and spiraled flying higher into the sky. Abalyl glittered and blazed like an emerald until he was only the tiniest dot on the azure fields. And as the aerial acrobatics progressed the townspeople filtered out, marveling at the grass and then following the man’s gaze to the sky. To a sight that left them slack jawed with wonder. A comet of dazzling scales fell from the heavens enswathed in billowing flames. Downward he fell, clad in bright life. Downward, falling, spiraling. And then in an explosion of emerald sparks Abalyl was gone. I looked about me for a sight of the dragon, but he was gone and in his place was field after field of land now green with growth, and a single tree. A charred tree with a crown of green carved with a heart bearing two blackened words. Abalyl and Kila < !signature--> Abrahm Simons "Keep on dreamin' boy 'cause when you stop dreaming it's time to die" - Blind Melon [This message has been edited by Dusk Treader (edited 06-18-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Abrahm Simons - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Ahhhhh.....you know I love Dragons and I truly love this story, especially how it ends  Great writing Abe ! More...more....more... |
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Dawn Eclipse Senior Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 637The Horsehead Nebula |
ABe, That was a wonderful story. Dragon's amaze me... and I love it when you put them into your stories. "A comet of dazzling scales fell from the heavens enswathed in billowing flames. Downward he fell, clad in bright life. Downward, falling, spiraling." That was my favorite part... wonderful imagry. "Even a fool knows you can't touch the stars, but it doesn't stop a wise man from trying." Harry Anderson, "Night Court" *Cassandra Roseen* |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
This is stunning work, my dear. Truly wonderous imagery...I especially loved the lines that cassers did, as well as " Then slitted lavender orbs blurred upwards and a gout of flame mushroomed across the caverns roof and burned upon the very rock. The light flooded the cavern and I blinked against its weight." And a wonderful ending too! You definitely have phenomenal talent my love. *Krista Knutson* "Cherish your vision; Cherish your ideals; Cherish the music that stirs in your heart, the beauty that forms in your mind, the loveliness that drapes your purest thoughts. If you remain true to them, your world will at last be built." ~James Allen~ "We've made houses for hatred...it's time we made a place where people's souls may be seen and made safe"...~Jewel~ |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Ok Abe... "here we go again..." BWHAHAHAHA! Ahem. The leaden sky hung ominously over teh snow clad hills below. Ok, it seems to me the word "below" is extraneous. You already said they hung "over," implying that whatever else is below. ...and I hoped that I could find shelter soon. Hmm, maybe just me, but I would suggest changing this to "...would be able to find shelter soon." I took a deep breath of shockingly cold... Here again, prolly me, but I would suggest changing this to "...Taking a breath of shockingly cold air I looked about from beneath hooded eyes." ...towards the somber grey mass. Already used "somber" (good word) just recently. I stopped to catch my breath at halfway to the slide... Hmm, I would substitute "at" for something like "about." Sounds like there is a definite demarcation of the middle point, LOL. Unless there IS and I just didn't catch that! ...on my drawers would have been hilarious under other circumstances. OK, the reason I point this one out is the way you phrased the ending. "under other circumstances" sounds kind of stuffy when following a part that calls pants "drawers." LOL I would consider nudging it a bit and saying something like "under any other circumstance." Loosens it up a bit!  I managed to close my jaw without too much goading from the dragon and to wriggle into my stubborn woolens. The dragon settled into a crouch and watched the spectacle with a strange light in its lavender eyes. After I had clothed myself and settled upon a rock the dragon began to stir. Have to call you on this one. This guy gets interrupted in the middle of his bath, is afraid enough by the very sigh of the dragon to fight witout his clothes on, but is made comfortable enough to just put his clothes on and sit withonly a few words? Seems a bit unrealistic to me.  OK Abe. That about covers it for "grammatical type thingies." The rest... well, yeah. I am fairly sure I've interpretted the ending fairly well. I see Abalyl as Plrale's father. And he does his magic, bif-boom-bang, the town's better. Great, all fine and good. BUT you require us to assume that and give us no background other than a single "inscription" to reach that. I'm not saying I don't like the idea, but rather that it was too abrupt and requires the reader to assume too much. It's great to leave some things to us, but not that much! LOL I think as a whole, you still show excellence in your ability. You've the makings m'man. You did a great job on your imagery, toning it down a bit, but still blessing us with enough of that awesome gift of yours. You've a penchant for it like very few I've seen and is one of my favorite parts of reading your work. You managed the perfect mix in this piece. Strengthen that story line (I think Jim mentioned something like that to you before) and you have an incredible story! Here's a couple of things that really caught me: ...a slide of somber boulders. ROCKS! (Pardon the pun) This statement is awesome. You accomplish more than one thing in a simple phrase by introducing the boulders and declaring their suggested appearance. GREAT! I felt a smile ghost across my lips... Again Abe, like the "somber boulders," I LOVE this! And for the same reason too. Not only is it poetic, but you include multiple images/reasons in a few owrds. GREAT! ...as I floated in a gossamer haze. LOVE this! Peace my friend. Chris |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Well, although I don't have quite as many things to say as Chris did, I have to say how much I liked this piece. I love the imagery and the tale itself. Great writing! "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." -Oscar Wilde |
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Ruby dagger Member
since 1999-08-01
Posts 76Wyoming, MN, U.S.A |
wow, Abe! I love this story, not many stories have dragons being good. I love the ending too. Great job. Luv Kelly "If we Shadows have offened, Think but this, and all is mended, That you have but slumber'd here, While these visions did appear. And this weak and idle theme, No more yeilding but a dream, Gentles, do not reprehend; If you pardon, we will mend. And, as I am an honest Puck, If we have unearned luck Now to scape the serpent's toungue, We will make amends ere long; Else the Puck a liar call: So good night unto you all. Give me your hands, if we be friends, And Robin shall restore amends." -William Shakespeare A Midsummer Night's Dream, Act V,1 |
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LadySofia Member
since 2000-05-16
Posts 238FL., USA |
THIS was endless, intriguing flow. I LOVED the ending! Your signature, I like that too. I did Blind Melon's "No Rain" at karaoke this past Sat. I was so embarrassed!  It's a shame he's gone now.^_^ Amanda "Come what come may, time and the hour runs through the roughest day." A line from Macbeth, by William Shakespear |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Why thank you all for replying! Munda - Thanks, and as long as their is breath in me I'll write more more more! Cassie - Thank you much!  Dragon's be great!Krista - Thank you, my dear. I'm glad the ending sat well with you and thanks for the compliment Chris - Your puns rock! Thanks for the critique, I really appreciate it! Soon I'll edit it like you said.. good advice! Erica - Thanks! I appreciate it. Kelly - Thank you much! I'm glad my dragon sat well with you. LadySofia - Thank you and I'm greatly pleased you "LOVED" my ending! And yes Blind Melon was great! Too bad about Shannon Hoon... Abrahm Simons "Keep on dreamin' boy 'cause when you stop dreaming it's time to die" - Blind Melon |
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