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The Beginning of the Beginning
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The Beginning of the Beginning |
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Julie Jordan Scott Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 146Bakersfield, CA USA 
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Returning to my office I was filled with a combination of dread and relief. I knew for my own state of mind, I needed to clear my desk of any pending projects. My doctor was prepared for me to not even finish the day, but I needed the closure of a clean desk as well as providing for any immediate needs of my clients. It was surreal that day, knowing that the next day I would not be back. In a haze, I tied up loose ends. I did all my filing, a task I normally loathe. I walked out of the office at 5:00 not sure what tomorrow would feel like. After all, this was the Mental Health department. They should be understanding, shouldn't they? I was complete naive, I think, to how people really reacted when someone was diagnosed with mental illness. Becoming a consumer of mental health services awakened me to two startling realities: there really is a stigma attached to a mental health diagnosis and experiencing mental illness is extremely taxing on both the body and the spirit. Only a few days into my leave I received my first telephone call in regards to my absence from work. It was not a peer calling me, it was County Counsel. The woman from the risk management department informed me that a workman's compensation claim had been filed by my department on my behalf. Oh? I said. Interesting, since I was not thinking of workman's compensation at all, but I guess it could be relevant. As I completed the forms for disability they asked, "Did this injury take place while at work?" and since it did, that was my first hint. Then later that afternoon I got a call from an investigator. Seems the County had private investigators question people who had any sort of "stress" claim. Immediately I felt put very strongly on the defensive. "What happens during this investigation," I asked, "What sorts of releases will I be signing?" The investigator blandly intoned, "I will be interviewing any witnesses, reviewing all your personnell records, speaking with you". "And where will you speak with me?" I asked, I was angry at this point. I was working to get healthy again and immediately I was getting more stressed out. Because I went for help, because I decided I could no longer allow myself to be poisoned by my job, I was being dragged through the wringer. I felt as if I had done something wrong by taking this leave, which in actuality I felt was the greatest act I could have taken. The most courageous as well! "And where will you speak to me?" I asked. "I interview people in their homes" came the response. In my home, in my home? My one safe haven? The one place where I felt I could go without looking over my shoulder? My cocoon? And now my employer was going to invade there as well? "What will you want to know?" I asked the investigator, feeling much like the investigator myself. "I will ask about your job duties, your relationships on the job, the incident that happened....." and that was all I heard before my heart started drowing out the sound of his voice. Panic began to envelope me again. As my heart pounded the words reverberated in my head, "I will wait in the darkness"....."If I have to go to jail for the rest of my life, it will be worth it to see you dead"...."I will wait for you in the darkness".....tears sprang to my eyes. My children, my heart cried. Please, please save my children. Protect my girls. "Can't you interview me someplace else? I feel uncomfortable, getting interviewed in my home." I must keep them out of my home, I thought, bringing any evidence of the threats into my safe haven would be too much. I can't bear it! The investigator paused, "Well, since I record these meetings, it is important to do it someplace quiet. I work out of my home, so if we can't do it at your home, we could meet in the offices of County Counsel." My eyes bugged out. Now they wanted me to come into the County Counsel's office like a criminal or something? Did someone forget that I was on a stress leave, to be away from the county and the bureacratic struggle so I could heal from the scars incurred while in service to the County? I had to fight the tears as I said, "No, no, no, no! Look, I did not file this claim! I did not ask for this! I just need time to feel better and get better and now I am feeling like I did something wrong! I have done nothing wrong!!" The other end of the phone was silent. "Well, if you did not file the claim, I am not sure what we can do." I sat down, staring at my kitchen floor. This was surreal. This could not be happening. This was completely contrary to healing. If I had just had surgery, would they be poking around my scar with a scalpel and a flashlight to see if it was truly a knife wound? "And I need to do this quickly" the investigator said, in a hushed tone. I breathed in, wishing that the incoming air would somehow fuel me somehow, bring my mind some clarity. "I will call you later. I can not deal with this right now." I hung up the phone, in shock. I walked to my bedroom and fell upon my bed. Catatonia. If my clients would not kill me, this process just might. And still, not a word from my co-workers. Some one had plunged me into purgatory. It felt like a cruel joke. Only worse. Time passed, I stayed on the bed. And stayed. And stayed. And stayed. Someday I will feel better, I told myself. I must. I am a Life Purpose Coach who specializes in assisting men and women to clarify their Life Purpose and then in turn live true to their purpose. After 5 years working with the Severely Mentally Ill in County Mental Health, I gave up the bureaucracy (and safe, secure blanket) of this environment to pursue my own purpose and passion. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Julie Jordan Scott - All Rights Reserved | |||
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
I always read posts with no replies. There's a lot of truth about how mental illness is misunderstood. |
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Well, I could say something glib such as "Join the club", but I will not be as insensitive as those we must coexist with. Having been labeled and castigated by those supposed "normal" people for most of my life, I can easily sympathize with you. I am bipolar. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I am not to blame for it, neither are you for your mental illness. Those insensitive people will hide behind the doing of their jobs, however anyone that enforces unfair regulations is more guilty of dispassion than those who wrote them. Best advice I can give? Deal with since it will not change. That sounds harsh and cold, but realize that I must do the same. Hugs to you. Now and forever, my heart hears ~one voice~. DreamEvil© ------------------------------------------------------- "Either kill me or take me as I am, because I'll be damned if I ever change..." Count Donatien Alphonse Francois de Sade (Marquis de Sade) |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Great writing Julie, the best of the first three by far. Ugh.. it's too bad they forced their investigation upon you.. I'll be looking for the next piece. In flames I shall not be consumed, but reborn. |
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Julie Jordan Scott Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 146Bakersfield, CA USA |
merlynn, thanks for reading my "responseless" piece. You are so right, there is such a misunderstanding of Mental Illness! I spoke to the personnel director of the agency I worked for, telling her having no one call me was the WORST thing for my illness at that time.....people are for the most part clueless. Dream Evil, I am impressed with your willingness to be so open. I have found that the greatest joy I have now is being who I am and thumbing my nose at small minded people who saw me as a "sick person" instead of a "person who happens to have an illness". Big difference in both perception and attitude, isn't it. Dusk Treader, thanks again, and the next piece will be posted shortly! I am trying to stay at least one ahead of the game here! Julie I am a Life Purpose Coach who specializes in assisting men and women to clarify their Life Purpose and then in turn live true to their purpose. After 5 years working with the Severely Mentally Ill in County Mental Health, I gave up the bureaucracy (and safe, secure blanket) of this environment to pursue my own purpose and passion. |
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Tara Simms Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 1244Honea Path, SC USA |
Ah, Julie, had I only known all that you were going through. Not sure what I could've done to help, but I would've called, reached out to you. It matters not how strait the gate; How charged with punishments the scroll; I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. --W.E. Henley |
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winterinblue Junior Member
since 1999-12-29
Posts 32 |
Julie, this is marvelous - you being brave enough to put your nightmares into prose, and share them with us! I too, have a mental illness, but never have lived through quite the stigma you have. However, I know a dear friend with mental illness who has lived through terrible stigma and prejudice because of having that label. This should never be. Anyone brave enough to ask for help should not be penalized for it. Please write more - I think it's terrible that you were stressed to the point of having a problem at your job, and then virtually punished for it!...! What happens next? |
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Julie Jordan Scott Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 146Bakersfield, CA USA |
Tara, my dear friend, how could you have known when I kept it so close to me? Remember, I felt like a pariah, like I had the anti-Midas touch, like I was a leper! I had the warped idea that I would tarnish everything I touched with my illness. You are way too special to be tarnished! Winterinblue, welcome to the forums! It is great to see you here, and I hope to read your writing really soon! Have you posted anything yet? Thanks for your comments, and now that you mention it...... I am a Life Purpose Coach who specializes in assisting men and women to clarify their Life Purpose and then in turn live true to their purpose. After 5 years working with the Severely Mentally Ill in County Mental Health, I gave up the bureaucracy (and safe, secure blanket) of this environment to pursue my own purpose and passion. |
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