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Life's Epiphanies
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Life's Epiphanies |
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Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas 
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Life's Epiphanies At the time, it wasn't any big surprise. I knew I'd go to college, as surely as I knew my sister wouldn't. I hadn't been planning for it, like so many others my age, and in fact, it wasn't even until half of my senior year was over, that I even bothered to apply to a school. But it didn't matter. I knew I was going, deep down inside. Perhaps my lack of excitement was the reason actually arriving came as such a shock. Or, maybe nothing I could've done would have prepared me for the journey ahead. Who knows? However, Stephens College turned out, ironically, to be the biggest change of my life. I am the first in my family to attend college. Being the middle child of a family of five, I wasn't really pressured to excel in school. So, it is no wonder the declaration of my intent to attend college elicited no more than a nod in my direction from the rest of the family. There was always something to deal with in the present, whether it was my sister's engagement, or my brother getting moved up to Varsity in football…the list was endless. Adding to the unlikely hood of being college bound, was a second declaration. Not only was I going to college, but I was also going to major in theatre. My parents, being, good, "sensible" people, simply couldn't see their shy little girl going off to become an actress. I didn't push the subject, I didn't need to. They came to realize I was quite serious when I dropped a Stephens College envelope in my father's lap and said, "here. I'm going to go here". My Father, who tends to worry enough for two or three people, didn't laugh at me, or ask me how, or lecture me on the financial aspects of attendance, he just looked at me, his knowing blue eyes staring into my stubborn green ones, and said "prove it". Looking back, I realize he knew I would do it. However, he also understood that it had to be my fight. I use the word fight, because that is indeed what it was. My family had no money put away for any help in actually getting me to college. It took several weeks of planning and applying and begging for money from the school, before I got "the call" telling me to pack my bags, it was time to go. During this time, I was not afraid. I couldn't be, there were too many other things to take priority. I was excited, I was feeling independent, and certainly not least of all, stressed out. My parents were there for me every step of the way. For every loan application I filled out, they did two more. However, when the call came, they broke down. I still see my Daddy's face when he learned the amount of gift money I was getting. He crumbled. It hit him that he was losing his 18-year-old girl, too soon for him, and my mother. It was my turn to be there for them. Still, I was ready to go. A few more weeks and suddenly it was time to say goodbye to everything. My bedroom, my house, my cats, my best friend, my sister, my brother, and off we went, my Mom, my Dad and I, to Missouri, three states away from home. Then, I had a small inkling of what lied ahead, but I refused to give in to the turmoil my emotions were causing beneath the surface. I arrived at Stephens College August 18, 1999, and began the tedious process of verifying I was a student. Moving in, registering, opening accounts, setting up the phone…the list went on and on. Finally, we finished and checked into the hotel room; our last night together before my whole world went home. All of the emotions I had suppressed the past few weeks suddenly filled my throat and lungs, giving me the distinct feeling of choking. I couldn't let go that night, I fell asleep with a large lump in my chest, because I didn't know how to say to them what I felt. What do you say to someone who loves you more than life? Thanks for raising me see you later? I love you just didn't seem to quite cover it. That night is when the doubts started to set in. Do I really belong here? Why do I have to be so far away? Is this really the place for me, or was it my own pride that brought me here and nothing else? But, along with all of the other worries plaguing me, I pushed those thoughts away and slept. The next day was the shocker. It's amazing sometimes how aptly some words fit their definition. Take the word shock, for instance. An abrupt word, that just appears on the paper, short, but harsh sounding to the ear, the kind of word that makes you pause for a moment before going on to the next. That's what hit me in full force the moment I awoke. It finally occurred to me that I was going to be alone in a matter of hours. I woke up in tears. I couldn't eat, couldn't talk, I could only weep like a frightened child who can't find the light switch in a dark room. It was my parent's turn to be strong for me. They took me to my dorm room, which seemed awfully like a prison cell, and stood there awkwardly, not wanting to go, but knowing they must. Now I know how a condemned man feels on the night of his execution, having to say goodbye to his loved ones. I couldn't just go home every weekend, and once school ended, there was no going back. I lost it, in every way one can lose a grip on control. I broke down and begged them not to leave me, to take me back, I even resorted to accusing them of abandoning me, just so I could go home. I had never seen my Dad cry so much. He cried so hard, it shook his big frame, and he held on to me as if life itself depended on it. Suddenly the brave determined woman child was gone, and their shy little girl was back, and scared, and somehow he found the strength to let go. "One week" is all he could manage between sobs. "One week Angela, and then you can come home if you want to. Please, just try." That was one of those times that God, seeing his children weeping, sent an Angel down, and I was able to hold that Angel's hand as I watched my Mom, her heart breaking, and my Dad, tears streaming, walk out that door. That day will never be forgotten, not by my parents, or me or by anyone that hears this tale. It is getting easier, little by little, to be on my own, although I can't even think about that day without crying. The changes in life are rarely expected to affect us as much as they do. If you had asked me a month, a week, or even a day before I had to let go, I could've never told you that it would be so hard. However, I'm not sorry that I'm here. College is wonderful, a place where everyone wants to learn. Some of the best times in life are in these years, and although it would have been easier to go home and begin working a mundane, dead end job, life holds more treasures for me than that. I'm not sorry. I'm excited and eager for a new life once again. Maybe I won't become a world famous actress. Maybe I'll end up getting married and stay home with my children. Who can say? But now, I can look at life and know I can conquer the next change in store for me. And this, I believe, is truly life's epiphany. ------------------ "Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me." -Charles Brugnot [This message has been edited by Saxoness (edited 09-10-99).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Angela Erin Burke - All Rights Reserved | |||
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Wisdom well and truly spoken. I, for one, am glad that you have found a place you have such strong feelings for. Feelings I myself have for PiP. Recently we have not seen eye to eye. In spite of such, I'm glad you are enjoying college and doubly glad that you chose to share this bit of revelation with us. Be well.  ------------------ Pain is life, life is short, I will endure. DreamEvil© |
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Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas |
Thank you DreamEvil, for your kind words. ------------------ "Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me." -Charles Brugnot |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
Saxoness, I feel the need to stand up and applaud your strength. Strength of spirit and character! It is a fight, indeed, what you did...and you faced, are facing, that fight admirably. I know the outcome of your college years will definately be a good one..as you said, you may or may not become an actress..but I feel that what you will learn in the upcoming years about life and yourself is priceless. Keep your head up, I know you can..and don't be afraid to lean on those you love and that love you, when you need it. I wish you all the best. And by the way, very excellently written piece of prose!! |
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Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669Michigan, US |
Wonderfully expressed! And in a few short months, when Summer comes again, you'll discover your next ephiphany - leaving all those wonderful new friends behind as you return home. (remind me sometime, when fewer things around here are broken, to tell you about my experiences with theatre majors ) |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Teary eyed here. I never went to college, (Bad Chris!) But I do so well remember when I left for the Navy... |
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Saxoness
since 1999-07-18
Posts 1102Texas |
thanks everyone. Thats why I like you guys so much........I can share my thoughts and "epiphanies" with you all. ------------------ "Glory remains unaware of my neglected dwelling where alone I sing my tearful song which has charms only for me." -Charles Brugnot |
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