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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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jenn991013 New Member
since 1999-12-30
Posts 5 |
how stupid am i to take the chance again only this time i would die if you hurt me i couldn't go on i couldn't live you would have all of me and i would be left empty with nothing to give away to anyone again you would break me forever and not even know |
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| © Copyright 1999 jenn991013 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Jenn: Welcome to Passions. First post and in Critical Analysis, no less! Brave, you are.  I have to say I enjoyed this very much. Others here know of my slight aversion to free-verse (not my forte) but every so often I read something that is impacting, whether it be because of word choice or poignance of the poem. In the case of your poem, the pain, sorrow and anxiety are palpable. I am scraping for something along the lines of constructive criticism to offer you but, I fear, all I can say is "excellent job". Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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dispatch debbie Junior Member
since 1999-12-29
Posts 16Michigan |
Jenn, I'm a new member, also, but wanted to put me pennies worth in. Free verse, with the hint of more here, I truly enjoy. The anguish is evident and the feeling real in your verse! Look forward to reading more.....without the vulgarity, brings to mind Bukowski. Debbie Treat others the way you wish to be treated. |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i like the idea of this poem, but i think that it would make the reader more intimate with the narrator if it were in first person throughout. the second person interjection on the fourth line turns it more into a conversation, as it has that tone, between two former lovers, i suppose. here is my suggestion: how stupid am i to take the chance again only this time i would die if he hurt me i couldn't go on i couldn't live he would have all of me and i would be left empty with nothing to give away to anyone again he would break me forever and not even know what do you think? |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Liked it, Jenn. I disagree with the proposed changes, it has a more personal feel as it is. While I usually rhyme, I can appreciate free verse as long as it has some semblance of metric structure. You got it. Too many people chop bad prose into little bits and try to call it poetry. |
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