»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Envisioning (another attempt at a sonnet)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Envisioning (another attempt at a sonnet) |
|
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
|
i can trace your profile, pointing in air, feel your chiseled chin even tho apart, i can see your eyes, that spark is yet there, as they meet mine, we are one, heart-to-heart, silence, no words, yet love we do impart. your soft touch is etched in sharp memory, i call upon if lonely feelings start, recollection wraps its warmth around me, its taste, it lingers, both sweetness and tart. as your stream flows into my frozen lake, it melts the ice, calling for spring to start, and i blossom forth, begin to awake, in private gardens, we practice our art. memories sustain me when you are gone, mind tracing your profile from eve til dawn. I think this one's a little better.....(hoping) warmhrt [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 12-27-1999).] |
||
| © Copyright 1999 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Fairy Colours Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 169Sunrise,Fl,US |
I think this is pretty, but like I said I can never bring a sonnet down ( Takes bravery to write one of these )and I think yoou did a good job. --A Little Fairy-- |
||
|
haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
its beautiful, truly a lovely work. I am like Byron...I will never write a sonnet...You have much more courage than I. To quote Kenneth Koch, "On the island of rhymsters, anyone who is any good is king. Its a rare talent. Statues of Byron, Arisosto, Petrarch, and Herrick on the coast are misleading. In the interior there are no statues at all." KUDOS. |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
WH: I want to commend you on being determined to write good sonnets. I am particularly excited that so many people are giving them a whirl. That being said, I really enjoyed your sonnet. There are a few rough edges that I could see on the technical side and I have a few suggestions to offer. "I (accented "I") can / TRACE your / PRO-file, / POINT-ing/ IN the / AIR," Sonnets are usually in iambic pentameter (at least that is what I am told). For some reason Poe, Shelley and even Shakespeare don't always write them this way. Still trying to figure out why they didn't and why so many people insist on using iambic (da-DUM) feet. Your first four feet of your first line are trochaic (DA-dum). You also add an additional syllable (eleven in this one). And don't even try to say that "I" is an "anacrusis" (if you had to look it up you can't take credit for it)  "FEEL your / CHIS-eled / CHIN EV- / en THO[UGH] / a-PART," See what I mean? I can't remember if it was Brad or Nan who suggested this, but I think the idea was that "until you understand the rules, don't break them." I'm still learning so I try to stay pretty close to the traditional, metrical approach. Hearing meter was my first challenge but that was the easy part. Writing metrically can be frustrating. I can't tell you how many of my favorite lines I had to chuck because I couldn't resolve the meter. Another suggestion (and this a a regurgitation of Brad's advice) is that experiment with not making the end words in a line the end words in your poem's sentences. Brad is right, I think, that it makes the read more interesting. Anyway, I want to commend you again on your good work. Sonnets are difficult (but the little buggers are fulfilling once finished, yes?).< !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 12-27-1999).] |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I can only echo what Jim has already said. I think the sonnet is my favorite form and I am really pleased that people are trying to writ them. Yours is very interesting and full of colorful thoughts and words. But, again to echo my much more knowledgable friend, I think you should work on the meter a little more. Keep it up. This really shows promise. Pete |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thank you all. JB and Pete: I realize that I don't have the meter down (not even close), but I'm working on elements one at a time, hoping to improve with each one. It's tough...I give you guys a lot of credit! Thank you for your comments and advice...I can surely use them. I have just posted a new sonnet...I think it may be a bit better than the last (hope). warmhrt |
||
|
Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Perhaps I am not meant to be in the critical analysis room..... I say this because as much effort as I put forth to disect and solidify the intricacies of poetry....it is verses such as this that leave no room for debate. This is, ironicaly, the exact feeling I was hoping to get from your writing....there is a very sensual mystique here that left me wishing to read more.  I know compliments seem to lose there luster when they are handed out so often....but believe me when I say that you are a very gifted writer. Old "William" saw the futility in catorgrizing that which as diverse as people themselves.....this is a lovely sonnet... |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hawk, Thank you....you almost made me blush! Such praise is not really deserved, though, especially for this sonnet that does not have all the correct da-DUMs (the meter). I am glad you enjoyed it, though, and that my style is appreciated. Thanks again, Sincerely...warmhrt |
||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
warmheart-- bravo! this is a lovely piece. i can see you've caught sonnet-fever (from jim, maybe? lol). anyway, two comments: without getting too graphic, i wonder if you could explain why you used the image of the stream flowing into a "frozen" lake? the rest of the poem (and indeed, even that image) speak of the passion and love between the speaker and the lover, but the frozen lake doesn't quite seem to fit with the speaker being heart-to-heart in love. i see the regenerative power of love, yes, the blossoming, etc., and i know it's gotta start somewhere, but wouldn't the "lake" already be pretty thawed out by the time the stream was flowing? i better move on now... i am certainly no expert in sonnets, but i believe, in addition to iambic pentameter, they have a definite rhyming scheme, where the same sound should not be repeated throughout the whole piece. (through the first eight lines, and the last six, or the first six, and the last eight, or within any one of three quatrains and of course in an elizabeathan ending couplet, but never through the first 12 lines. help me on this jim?) i think your apart-heart-impart-start-tart-start-art is a (technical) no-no. (a sonnet also shouldn't normally have two lines ending with the same word.) aren't rules fun? keep up the good work! i've been reading your work out here and am quite impressed; everything you write is so beautiful (and that's the hardest part of writing). in no time at all you'll be writing wonderful and technically perfect sonnets if you put your mind to it. keep 'em coming! |
||
|
Jennifer B New Member
since 1999-12-30
Posts 6 |
I don't know much about sonnets but I want to say that I really enjoyed your poem. Thanks. [This message has been edited by Jennifer B (edited 12-31-1999).] |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hello again: jenni ... long time no see! I thought you decided to leave us. Welcome back. Although I'm flattered by the implication, I am not an expert on sonnets. This is what I can tell you. The Shakespearean or English sonnet has a rhyme scheme of abab/cdcd/efef/gg. The lesser known Spenserian sonnet has a more rigid rhyme scheme of abab/bcbd/cdcd/ee. The Italian or Petrarchan sonnet has a rhyme scheme (usually) of abbaabba/cdecde with several possible, widely accepted variations of the concluding sestet. I just noticed that WH's rhyme scheme is something like abab/bcbc/bdbdb/ee. She adds an additional line (15 rather than 14). I am unware of any rule that prohibits her rhyme scheme (that is not to say that there isn't such a rule, mind you) but I am fairly certain that a sonnet is always to be 14 lines long. (Thought you could sneak that one past me, WH?) Let me qualify all of this by saying that this is a very nice poem and I enjoyed reading it. But the challenge of writing in a traditional format makes it necessary to look beyond aesthetics while critiquing it. I do want to point out that your sonnets are improving with each writing and I look forward to reading the next in the series. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jim-- leave this place? are you kidding? brad would hunt me down and... well, yell at me! its good to be back, i really missed the forum. a TON of great poems have been posted since i was last here, alot of good reading to carry into the new year. warmheart, you might want to check out "sonnet central" at www.sonnets.org , its kind of a fun site devoted to nothing but sonnets, with essays on the different forms, postings and commentary like here (although not as nice ) and of course, lots of really good sonnets on every subject imaginable by poets through the years. happy new year to everyone! [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 12-31-1999).] |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
