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the man with the spade
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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the man with the spade |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
"there's a slight hint of sadness melancholia if i may like a long bitter aftertaste though it will never fade" we would whisper words of confusion night never becoming day and sought advice most needed we asked the man with the spade through all of our blissful madness we heeded his wise words "you've really no youth to waste, trust me now in my old age." he unearthed rocks in his garden and we knew not what to say no one else knew this woesome man or what difference he had made one night i woke from a bad rest to find the man laying stiff though i called for help in haste the man with the spade was dead "the man had no friends, no family for they'd never see him this way." these lonely words, a eulogy in his grave the man was laid. "there's a slight hint of sadness, melacholia, if i may like a long bitter aftertaste grieving for the man with the spade." be brutal!!!! i'm considering submitting this for the writer's thing and i need to turn it in by december 6!!!! all help appreciated   ------------------ "Come night, come darkness, for you cannot come too soon or stay too long in such a place as this." Charles Dickens roxane |
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| © Copyright 1999 roxane - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Willem Member
since 1999-11-18
Posts 139Inverness, FL, USA |
Roxane, this is a beautiful poem about noble emotions in a young mind. I like the simple and convincing way you told the story. Here's an idea of how you might improve it in a number of little ways, particularly with respect to meter. I hope I did not overdo it. Feel free to include all, some or none of my suggestions in the final version. Willem "There's a slight hint of sadness, melancholia if I may say, a long and bitter aftertaste, that never seems to fade." We would whisper in confusion, night never becoming day, seeking advice we most needed, we asked the man with the spade. Through all our blissful madness, we heeded his wise words, "You've really no youth to waste, trust me now in my old age." He unearthed rocks in his garden and we knew not what to say, no one else knew this woesome man, or what difference he had made. One night, escaping sleepless rest, I found the man laying stiff and, though I called for help in haste, the man with the spade was dead. "He had no friends, no family, they never saw him this way." And with these lonely words as eulogy, in his grave the man was laid. "There's a slight hint of sadness, melancholia, if I may say, like a long and bitter aftertaste, grieving for the man with the spade." |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Well Roxane it took me a while but I finally figured out the rhyming scheme and as usual its lucky I didn't dive in and say the poem was "unbalanced" lol because in fact I see that it is perfectly so from that point of view. Quite why this might be significant I have yet to figure out - back to it later... Philip |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Roxane, I really don't feel qualified to actually make suggestions but here are my feelings, if you will. I really liked the message. Probably most of us know or have known such a person. It begins to have more personal meaning as I watch my own father age. You told the story in an exceptional way. I seem to understand rhyme and rhythm more than free verse so Willem's suggestion for meter sounds reasonable to me, at first. On rereading the original, however, I really don't think it is necessary, maybe not even desirable. Of course, these are only my humble opinions, but I really liked it. ------------------ |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
willem, i think that i like your version better than mine, but i'm not sure, as i don't care for the poem too much altogether. i do appreciate the help though, as this one needs some stern revision. thanks. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I like the poem but it does seem a bit wordy. The first stanza, at first glance, didn't do much for me but it does pack punch by the end of the poem. My only suggestion would be to concentrate on the man with the spade himself -- he seems a bit nebulous at the moment. Is there anyway you can integrate some particularly distinctive characteristics? Make him seem more alive, more real? Just a suggestion, Brad |
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