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Follow Me Into Forever
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Follow Me Into Forever |
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jennysbeau1 Junior Member
since 1999-10-21
Posts 10Cornelius, Oregon, USA |
Hello, this is a poem to my angel, my fiance who lives a thousand miles away....a little background: we met over a year ago in a chat room on aol, we conversed for 4 months before we met....during those months we fell in love with who we were on the inside,we finally met Christmas day 1998...the title comes from the last line of my marriage proposal to her...."My angel, will you follow me into forever and marry me?" This is a true story......... For Jennifer Follow me into forever....... Throughout my years of wondering, enduring my endless grief Will I find my angel? I was strong in this belief. On a lonely night not long ago, your soul that was forsaken traveled across the distance and my love was then awakened. My heart began to yearn for you, your soul was just like mine Could you be the angel thats been elsewhere all this time? I knew I had to meet you to believe our love was true, come to me my angel, is it really really you? When we shared that perfect kiss that glorius Christmas day, my heart cryed out "My Angel" and I knew our love would stay. The lonely man that I once was is no more it seems, For I have found my angel The semblance of my dreams. So, I take you to be my bride one love they cannot sever, Take my hand my angel and follow me into forever. Love, Terry ------------------ Remember...write what you love..and love what you write...Terry |
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| © Copyright 1999 jennysbeau1 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jennysbeau-- very nice. your meter gets a rocky start in the first verse, flows nicely through the ensuing verses, but falls apart in the last two verses. the rocky start is easy to remedy: take out the word "my" in line 2. the rest of the poem flows nicely, 7 beats for every two lines (in what appears to be an unusual 4-3-3-4). the last two verses, however, suddenly have "silent" or skipped beats, and have awkward, unnatural emphasis on certain words in order to keep the rythym. as private love poems between you and your jennifer (f.y.i. to everyone: a different jennifer, not me!  ), this piece and the other two you posted are fine (although i really don't have a clue what "the dove" was all about). "you are..." i thought was very nice, actually. jennifer may be your muse, but how about a poem on a different subject altogether? with these three poems, you've established that jennifer is an angel, and that you love her. in the process, though, you've also shown a certain facility with rhyme (which i find very hard), and an easy, ingratiating style. why not give it a try? writing about other themes and subjects will enrich your private rhymes to jennifer, and will bring more depth of feeling into all your writing. and you will need this, because when will you stop writing poetry for her? if you do stop, all of this will come back to haunt you... one day she'll sigh, "you never write poetry for me anymore," and you'll have some explainin' to do....i am, of course, just teasing you.... aren't i? i hope we see more of your work in the future. |
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jennysbeau1 Junior Member
since 1999-10-21
Posts 10Cornelius, Oregon, USA |
Jenni..... Thank you, I appreciate your comments... These three poems are my first attempt at poetry...ha ha ha...I haven't a clue what you mean by (4,3,3,4). Maybe I should take a class somewhere? I think if I continue to read others I will learn more...I try to write from my heart and make as best sense as possible, although I have a loooooong way to go....thank you! As for the "Dove", I was trying to convay the length of eternity...as in every 1000 years the dove comes to sharpen his beak on thos huge rock...when the rock has worn away (from all this sharpening) one brief moment of eternity will have past.... Again, thank you for your analysis... I shall take heed... Terry ------------------ Remember...write what you love..and love what you write...Terry |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jennysbeau– what I meant by 4-3-3-4 is the number of beats per line in your stanzas. What I meant by remarking on that, is this: poetry is different from prose in that it is usually more compact in expression, and has some kind of rhythm. a poem's rhythm is measured and described by what is called "meter." a poem's meter is really determined by two things: 1. the more or less regular pattern of a certain number of stressed and unstressed (accented and unaccented) syllables occurring throughout a line, and 2. the number of times that that pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables is repeated in the line. the terminology lit-crit people use to describe all this is incredibly arcane, and I think gets in the way of learning and understanding what goes on in a poem. the rhythmic syllable patterns used in the English language are actually pretty simple: -- an unstressed syllable followed by a stressed syllable (such as in the word "belief"), called “iambic” -- stressed syllable followed by an unstressed syllable (such as in the word "angel"), called “trochaic” -- stressed followed by two unstressed syllables (such as in the word "innocent", or "Jennifer"), called “anapestic” -- two unstressed followed by a stressed syllable (such as in the word "intercede"), called “dactylic” -- two stressed syllables back to back (such as in the word "headline"), called “um, jenni forgets what this’s called”, lol. these patterns can be repeated any number of times per line, most commonly 3, 4 or 5 times, less commonly 6 times, even less commonly 1, 2 or 7 times. If the pattern is repeated 3 times, the meter is called trimeter; 4 times, its called tetrameter; 5 times, pentameter. I call this the “beat” of the poem, and I simply think of poems or individual lines as being 3-beat, 4-beat, 5-beat, or whatever, corresponding to the number of stresses. still with me? The combination of the particular pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables that is repeated, and the number of times the pattern is repeated per line, is the poem’s meter. So, if you had a poem repeating a pattern of unstressed/stressed 5 times per line, lit-crit types call it iambic pentameter: “When I do count the clock that tells the time” (Shakespeare) when I do COUNT the CLOCK that TELLS the TIME that same pattern of unstressed/stressed repeated only 4 times per line is iambic tetrameter: “Whose woods these are I think I know” (Robert Frost) whose WOODS these ARE i THINK i KNOW or: “My heart began to yearn for you” (jennysbeau1) my HEART beGAN to YEARN for YOU a pattern of unstressed/stressed repeated 3 times in a line is iambic trimeter: “Your soul was just like mine” (jennysbeau1) your SOUL was JUST like MINE by contrast, a pattern of stressed/unstressed repeated 3 times is trochaic trimeter: “Could you be the angel” (jennysbeau1) COULD you BE the ANgel and so on, there’s a whole bunch of combinations, obviously. it is actually pretty common to have a poem composed of lines that alternate 4 and 3 beats or repetitions of an iambic pattern: Mary had a little lamb; Whose fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went Her lamb was sure to go. Or, I put my hat upon my head And walked into the strand; And there I met another man Whose hat was in his hand. Note the slight sing-song effect. (I think this form of rhythm is called “ballad stanza,” but I defer to anyone else’s wisdom on this.) Your poem has mostly an iambic pattern, although quite a few of your stanzas switch to trochaic in the middle. In most stanzas, that pattern is repeated in a beat that alternates not 4-3-4-3 like ballad stanza, but 4-3-3-4, which I think is a little unusual (and that’s a good thing, beau, lol.). The overall meter, though, is pretty inconsistent, both as to number of beats in some lines, and in the pattern that you are repeating to create the beats (iambic, mostly, lots of trochaic, a few anapestic, perhaps others, too, lol.) Now, variation of the number of beats per line is seldom a good thing (that is, it often results in an awkward line that the reader stumbles over; sometimes, though, that’s exactly what you want, lol). Variation of the repeated syllable pattern is much more common and can often actually increase the poem’s effectiveness. Strict adherence to meter in both respects (number of beats and the pattern that is repeated) is not something that MUST be done in order to have a decent poem. Many great poems break these “rules.” (And of course, I’m not even talking about free verse here, which I, for one, believe has rhythm, but on a different scheme altogether). But if you’re going to write a poem of metered verse like you have here, you should try to be consistent as possible, and have a reason for any departures from the basic meter you’ve chosen for the piece. *whew* ... still interested in writing poetry? Lol. Sorry to ramble on so much. My best advice is simply, don’t take any of this too seriously, lol. Keep an eye on the mechanics, but have fun with it, express yourself and try out all sorts of different things. I think you will get more enjoyment and satisfaction out of creating a piece that is mechanically or technically sound (your angel Jennifer might, too, lol), but writing doesn’t have to be this big technical exercise all the time. Bang out each syllable on your desk or your leg as you write, with an extra loud bang for the stressed words or syllables, and see if you’re being consistent from line to line. The most important thing, though, is to try to say something interesting in your poems. And for that, there simply are no rules. Good luck. Any questions, ask Brad. |
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