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Mascara Tears
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Mascara Tears |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
~I varied the sonnet a bit, would like to know what everyone thinks~ Mascara Tears Murky mascara tears pooled in her eyes As her husband exhaled his final breath Her ruby lips’ last words to him were lies Eternally deceived was he in death An hour ago, he’d said, “I love you.” With an aching conscience, she’d smiled and said “Oh, my dear heart you know I love you too.” While thoughts of another danced in her head And now guilt racked her, with unsurpassed force There’d been a time that she’d cared about him Instead of asking him for a divorce She’d run to another, on a mere whim Her ruby lips’ last words to him were lies Murky mascara tears pooled in her eyes ------------------ Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices. [This message has been edited by Systematic Decay (edited 11-13-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Systematic Decay - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Systematic....you can't vary a sonnet "a little", either it is or isn't a sonnet and this truly isn't one. The meter is not iambic pantameter as a sonnet should be and the syllable count or feet are not correct. That aside...this is a poem, with a rhyme scheme like a sonnet. I like what you are trying to say with this one. It is an interesting tale. I also like the way you used the first line as the last line, that kind of brings things together nicely. I myself would like to see the meter a little tighter on this one, there are a few places that I stumbled around. Also in line #6 I think you meant an instead of and? ------------------ Alis volat propriis (She flies with her own wings) |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Ruth, I read back through this....and I couldn't find anything wrogn with the meter- could you point the mistakes out? I'd really like to fix them..... Thanks ------------------ Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices. |
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Vers Librist Junior Member
since 1999-11-10
Posts 16 |
Questions of sonnet and meter aside, I loved this poem. It gave me chills. I love the title as well--it's what made me look at your poem first. I really like the image of "mascara tears"--a really great mental image. And the slow revelation of what she's done--nice job on that. For what little I know about sonnets, they have ten syllables per line, except for the last two lines, which have eleven. I believe a Shakespearean sonnet's rhyme scheme is ABABCDCDEFEFGG (don't quote me on that). I know you can vary the rhyme scheme a bit on sonnets, but the meter should be followed rigidly. Loved this poem, though, and don't know that I personally would change a thing about it. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Systematic...I'll point out a few of the lines that really stuck out and offer up possible suggestions if you don't mind, then you can at least have something to go by. "As her husband exhaled his final breath" (Her husband breathed his last and final breath) "An hour ago, he’d said, “I love you.” With an aching conscience, she’d smiled and said" (An hour ago he said, "I love you dear." With aching conscience, she smiled and she said) "“Oh, my dear heart you know I love you too.”" ("My dear heart you know that I love you too") "While thoughts of another danced in her head" (While others thoughts they danced inside her head) "She’d run to another, on a mere whim" (She'd ran into anothers arms on whim) One other line that is a little out of meter, but I see no change in is the first and last "Murky mascara tears pooled in her eyes" Mascara is actually three syllables which throws your meter off a bit if spoken like that, but with the rest of the meter now intact, my mind wants to combine the last two syllables to read mas-cara instead of mas-ca-ra....so it works okay there. All merely suggestions...take them with a grain of salt. Ruth ------------------ Alis volat propriis (She flies with her own wings) [This message has been edited by hoot_owl_rn (edited 11-13-1999).] |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
sys- i don't agree with the changing of "as her husband exhaled his last and final breath" to "her husband breathed his last and final breath." to me, that seems redundant. breathing and breath, along with "his last and final" it doesn't work for me. perhaps, "her husband exhaled his (two-syllable adjective) final breath" i won't give you a suggestion to that as it's up to you whether that breath was painful, sheerful, happy, etc. the rest of hoot's suggestion seemed fine to me, but i didn't like the "last and final" . i thought that the poem itself was pretty good, although a little vague. how did the husband die? that's the main question that seems to be unanswered. good luck with it. |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Ruth, I still don't see how mas-car-a throws the meter off....I counted, and it was 10 syllables, I wrote it pronouncing mascara that way. roxane, The poem is focusing not on how the husbad dies, or anything like that, more on the woman's guilt for having been so uncaring to him, however, her guilt still does not change her feelings about him, and she just told him one last time that she loved him to let him die in peace. Still, her shallow nature draws her thoughts to her side lover, which makes her feel even more guilty. I got the inspiration from a girl I know, who was never really my friend, though I often called her that; I could picture her doing this. ------------------ Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Don't have time to go through the whole poem right now but I thought I'd scan the first stanza: MURky masCAra TEARS POOLED in her EYES --five stresses but no regular pattern As her HUSband exHALED his FInal BREATH --four stresses Her RUby LIPS’ LAST WORDS to HIM were LIES --debatable but that's how I read it eTERnalLY deCEIVED was HE in DEATH --again debatable but this is the only line so far that's regular. Anybody disagree?  I don't have any problem with variations in the sonnet form (as long as you don't call it a sonnet) and I like some of the repetition. More later, Brad |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Brad, that was exactly what I was pointing to and trying to suggest. The meter is not there. Ruth ------------------ Alis volat propriis (She flies with her own wings) |
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
I see what you mean- I suppose I ought to be more careful on my stresses, and not just the syllables.... Thanks for pointing it out. ------------------ Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices. |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
the only reason why i suggested that the reader be informed of the cause of death in the husband is because different interpretations could yield different meaning in the poem. i really did like, although i didn't, but should have, tell you in my comment. i just couldn't bear you changing that line to "last and final". it just sounded so awkward and repetitive. i'm sorry. i really did think that it was great. |
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