»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
UNtitled pantoum, want to publish- REALLY NEEDS HELP!!!
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
UNtitled pantoum, want to publish- REALLY NEEDS HELP!!! |
|
|
Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
~~Ok to understand this poem, let me explain a few things. I go to Start High school, AKA S.H.S, Spartanville, Spartan country....(Our school mascot is a spartan). I want to get this pantoum in the yearly school poetry journal...but it really needs work, especially meter. I didn't do it in any particular meter, just what sounded good- tell me if thats fine or if I should refine it more. I could get it in like this, BUt i want it to be really good...this is a sarcastic depiction of my school.~~ Start High School, it's the best place ot be! A striking model of academics Smiles abound in Spartan Country Fresh young souls, no teachers decrepit A striking model of academics The courses are quite demanding Fresh young souls, no teachers decrepit Never unjust is the reprimanding The courses are quite demanding Students help each other peacefully Never unjust is the reprimanding Utmost respect given to faculty Students help each other peacefully We all fit in, like a hand in a glove Utmost respect given to faculty Spartanville- it's so full of love We all fit in like a hand in a glove Uniform in fear, we're sterile and clean Spartanville- it's so full of love With diversity gone, no conflict is seen Uniform in fear, we're sterile and clean Smiles abound in Spartan Country With diversity gone, no conflict is seen Start High Scool, it's the best place to be! ------------------ Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices. |
||
| © Copyright 1999 Systematic Decay - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
suicidal dreams Member
since 1999-09-28
Posts 343Toledo Ohio USA |
Umm Amy are you sure you speak of our school LOL  It was great though i think its good and perfect you really should put it in the magazine BTW when do they start accepting poems and art for that I really want to put my things into it. ------------------ life is short kill quick |
||
|
DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Your meter is rough though I like the message. Give me a bit of time and I will have a few suggestions for you. It has been a long day. ------------------ Now and forever, my heart hears ~one voice~. DreamEvil© |
||
|
hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Systematic, Good luck with your school poetry journal. I did come up with this idea to smooth out the meter a bit and help the rhyme in a few places. Don't know if it helps you or not. Ruth Start High School, the place to be! With it's model sriking clasroom Smiles abound in Spartan County Teachers young and fresh, no gloom With it's model sriking clasroom The courses there are quite demanding Teachers young and fresh, no gloom Always fair the reprimanding The courses there are quite demanding Students help out peacefully Always fair the reprimanding Utmost respect to faculty Students help out peacefully We all fit in, like hand in a glove Utmost respect to faculty Spartanville- so full of love We all fit in, like hand in a glove Uniform in fear, sterile and clean Spartanville- so full of love Diversity gone, no conflict seen Uniform in fear, sterile and clean Smiles abound in Spartan County Diversity gone, no conflict seen Start High Scool,the place to be! ------------------ Alis volat propriis |
||
|
Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
Ruth, thank you for the help...I will look at this carefully when constructing the final draft. ------------------ Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices. |
||
|
handbagsatfiftypaces Junior Member
since 1999-11-02
Posts 12 |
well i agree with s.p.m., a boy in the bush is worth two in the hand |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||