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Lee Benthin
Junior Member

since 1999-10-28

Posts 19
Marysville, WA USA

0 posted 1999-10-28 02:09 AM

Do you
Sleep alone?
Do you find
You need a home?

Is your
Heart cold?
Do you need
Someone to hold?

Am I
On your mind?
Do you miss
What you could not find?

If life
Turned around,
If I looked
Could you be found?

If love
Was for free,
Would you give
Your love to me?

merlynh
Member

since 1999-09-26

Posts 411
deer park, wa

1 posted 1999-10-28 11:15 PM

Simple and nice. Couldn't ask for anything more. Of course that the kind of poetry I like. Nice.

Lee Benthin
Junior Member

since 1999-10-28

Posts 19
Marysville, WA USA

2 posted 1999-10-29 02:11 AM

Thankyou. This poem holds a lot of meaning to me, as simple as it is.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

3 posted 1999-10-31 07:07 PM

Sorry, Lee, you're not my type.

I suppose it could work as song lyrics.

You know, you may be trying for things that I'm not particularly interested in. That's a good thing. Just not sure my comments will be very useful for you.

So, what are you trying to do?

Brad

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

4 posted 1999-10-31 07:36 PM

Lee,
I'm not sure where you are going on this one. Like Brad, I am totally unsure of what you are attempting here. The meter is very choppy and could use a bit of work. I like the last stanza on this and quite possibly you could expand on that thought.
Ruth

just me
Junior Member

since 1999-10-29

Posts 15
marysville, wa USA

5 posted 1999-11-01 08:33 PM

Brad and Ruth: Thanks for commenting on my poem. Sorry you couldn't understand where I was coming from. You know the old saying though; you can please some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time. . . anyway, I guess sometimes I just write what I am feeling. I wasn't trying for any particular thing, just expressing my thoughts to a special person that I no longer share a relationship with and who was alone at the time of this writing. I knew that he missed me and we both had feelings of regret over our missed opportunity. I don't know if that clears anything up but that is all I have to say.

Thanks, Lee

roxane
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 505
us

6 posted 1999-11-01 09:37 PM

overall, i thought that the poem was pretty good, however, it seems like it is struggling to make a point, obscure, but almost unintentionally. some of the rhyme sounds a little forced- maybe it would be better in free verse. i DO like the message of the poem and its simplicity. it appears to be your thoughts on some bleak morning, at least that what i felt reading it. some of it sounds like you could be a lot clearer, and less wordy "Am I on your mind? Do you miss what you could not find?" perhaps if you clarified that, it would improve the poem

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