A Delightful Decade (Please critique)

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Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius

since 2009-10-10

Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere

0 posted 2014-02-28 06:15 AM

I was asked to come join the 10th Anniversary Celebration at the assisted living center where my parents live and read Poetry. I was also asked to write a poem for the occasion... Let me know if this will work or if you think I need to keep trying.Thanks ~L

A Delightful Decade

Eaglecrest remains the same
through changes one and it all

Ten years have passed
down these decorated halls

where the atmosphere
is delightfully scented

Residents are quite contented
with the way they’re living here

The cheerful dependable staff
enjoys doing what they do

Matched up tablemates laugh
and talk about their day

There is always a puzzle with a clue,
exercises and entertainment too

At Eaglecrest
they do their best

And we know they
wouldn’t have it any other way
LGR©2/28/14

[This message has been edited by Lori Grosser Rhoden (03-01-2014 07:42 AM).]

Bluesy Socrateaser
Member Elite

since 2002-11-07

Posts 2417
In The Mirror

1 posted 2014-02-28 06:28 AM

Hi Lori,

The flow in your poetry is a little rough. I read it over a few times to get into the swing of it and it just wouldn't happen for me. Punctuation could be lessened a bit also with spacing at "Eaglecrest" on the fourth line.

Overall I find it cheery and flattering and I know it's going to go over very well!

P.S Don't shoot me, I'm just the piano player.

...just bein' Bluesy

Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius

since 2009-10-10

Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere

2 posted 2014-02-28 06:34 AM

Shoot you? No you get a gold star and a hug!
This is a big deal to me and the input is VERY important to me. This is only the upteenth version and 3rd title. I've got a couple more weeks to hammer away on it. Bless your heart!

Lori

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

3 posted 2014-02-28 07:29 AM

You poem is perfect for the occasion, Lori.

~*~ It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. ~*~

Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius

since 2009-10-10

Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere

4 posted 2014-02-28 08:54 AM

Thanks Jerry! I edited it after Max's critique and it is better now. Let's see if anyone else agrees with you, eh?

Lori

Bluesy Socrateaser
Member Elite

since 2002-11-07

Posts 2417
In The Mirror

5 posted 2014-02-28 09:43 AM

I still can't quite follow the flow Miss Lori. It may be due to the line mismatch. Two are 4 lines, two are 3 lines and one is 2 lines.

I did edit it some, but I'm hesitant to post it unless you tell me it's okay to do so. I don't wish to be presumptuous.

I'll be watching from the wings.

...just bein' Bluesy

[This message has been edited by Bluesy Socrateaser (02-28-2014 10:59 AM).]

Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius

since 2009-10-10

Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere

6 posted 2014-02-28 10:30 AM

couplets? did you say couplets? Well I wasn't thinking in terms of couplets.

Flo

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

7 posted 2014-02-28 10:41 AM

Guess Blue has sharper eyes than I. Most people do as far as that goes.

~*~ It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. ~*~

Bluesy Socrateaser
Member Elite

since 2002-11-07

Posts 2417
In The Mirror

8 posted 2014-02-28 11:01 AM

Couplet? Did I hear couplet? Going once...going twice...

...just bein' Bluesy

Bluesy Socrateaser
Member Elite

since 2002-11-07

Posts 2417
In The Mirror

9 posted 2014-02-28 11:05 AM

It's in three quatrains or you can slap it all together...

...or you can slap me.

Then there's curtain number three.

...just bein' Bluesy

EmmaRose
Senior Member

since 2011-03-02

Posts 1376
Midwest

10 posted 2014-02-28 11:31 AM

heartwarming whether one two three stanzas,etc....it touches the reader over here

Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius

since 2009-10-10

Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere

11 posted 2014-02-28 11:37 AM

Quatraiins? I just got the couplets!
flo

Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius

since 2009-10-10

Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere

12 posted 2014-02-28 11:38 AM

Thanks Emmarose! got that part down. Now it is the mechanics (just shoot me)

Lori

Bluesy Socrateaser
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since 2002-11-07

Posts 2417
In The Mirror

13 posted 2014-02-28 11:43 AM

Do you play piano?

...just bein' Bluesy

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

14 posted 2014-02-28 11:47 AM

Lori, I'm afraid Bluesy is right on the flow and erratic use of the rhyming. If the ending rhymes are represented by letters, they your rhyme scheme is as follows:
a-b-c-b
d-e-f-g
g-e-e
h-i
j-j-i

As you can see, there is no corrolation there or constant. You may say that couplets or rhyming was not on your mind and yet, in certain lines, you DO use the rhyming words at the end, like scented-contented, clue-too, eaglecrest-best and the first stanza. When the mind hears a rhyme, it looks for rhymes. When it doesn't hear the pattern following, it gets lost. The different amout of lines is also disconcerting as far as flow goes. You use 4 lines, 4 lines, 3, 2, and 3. There is no way to maintain flow that way. Since you are reading it to them, that won't really matter, though, and they will love anything you say. You will be showered with compliments, for sure!

I'll try my hand at putting proper flow into it to show you what my comments refer to....
Ten years have passed by quickly
down these lovely decorated halls.
One constant still remains the same
at Eaglecrest through it all:

A cheerful dependable staff
Who keep doing what they do,
in an atmosphere that's scented
With love and caring, too.

Residents are quite contented.
There is always a puzzle with a clue,
There are things that make their minds alive
exercises and entertainment too.

Tablemates, matched up, sit and laugh
and talk about their day
Share smiles at what they saw or did
To pass the time away.

At Eaglecrest, they do their best
To make all have a happy day.
The residents love being there
And wouldn’t have it any other way.

This is far from good, with respect to the syllable counts, flow and other little details but, as I said, One needs to know one's audience. Your audience will love it whatever you do.

Bluesy Socrateaser
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since 2002-11-07

Posts 2417
In The Mirror

15 posted 2014-02-28 12:30 PM

...tarries off to heal his wounds.

Lori Grosser Rhoden
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since 2009-10-10

Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere

16 posted 2014-02-28 12:35 PM

Might I ask a question?
(Oh by the way 'Deer you version is really worth stealing)
Other than a Haiku or senryu I don't normally follow set patterns of any kind
I rarely use punctuation.
So are ya'll saying the only way to improve the flo is to go with a formal foremat?

Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius

since 2009-10-10

Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere

17 posted 2014-02-28 12:55 PM

I can hear Sunshine giggling (she has critiqued me before) She can just hear the sound of my heels digging in. LOL! You guys are starching my underwear here.
I appreciate and understand what you are saying and you have given me good advice to continue on.

Thanks guys!!

Lori

Balladeer

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since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

18 posted 2014-02-28 12:56 PM

Don't need to steal it, Lori...I give it to you

Flow is meter. Meter is structure. Structure uses rhyme, complete with accents and syllable counts. Free verse can deal without the rhymes but, if you want flow, the accented syllables mean everything.

You can write your poem in free verse or structured rhyme...but don't combine both. It kills both of them.

Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius

since 2009-10-10

Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere

19 posted 2014-02-28 02:04 PM

Oh Deer Gawd! All my poems are dead! I killed them all with a one - two punch of free verse and rhyme and no dhyme in the meter! And all this time I just thought that was my style. Now I find out I'm writing cadavers! aagggghhhhhhhhhhhh!

Lori

Balladeer

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20 posted 2014-02-28 02:39 PM

Hey, if you're happy with what you are writing, keep on keeping on!

(just don't ask for critiques) LOL!

Jack Napes
Member

since 2014-02-22

Posts 290
Phaedra's Womb

21 posted 2014-02-28 02:49 PM

What the atch ee double ell happened here?

Touch, but don't look

Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius

since 2009-10-10

Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere

22 posted 2014-02-28 03:02 PM

I'm still working on it. AND I appreciate the critiques! I just choked when you told me I couldn't do something I've been doing. I write poetry because I can be creative and write anything. I don't write sonnets or even attempt to. So calm down with the take my advice or don't ask for it, 'Deer.

Lori Grosser Rhoden
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since 2009-10-10

Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere

23 posted 2014-02-28 03:04 PM

'ell of a mess, eh Jack? LOL

Balladeer

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since 1999-06-05

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24 posted 2014-02-28 03:56 PM

Just for the record, I don't see anywhere where I told you to take my advice. I gave it because you asked for it, yours to either use or ignore.

Also, I didn't tell you that you couldn't do what you are doing. Actually, I said the opposite.

Bye bye now

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

25 posted 2014-03-01 07:53 AM

Good morning Lori, I do believe this latest edit has everything you need to mark it okay to read to the fine folks at Eaglecrest.

~*~ People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. ~*~

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

26 posted 2014-03-01 07:54 AM

Good morning Lori, I do believe this latest edit has everything you need to mark it okay to read to the fine folks at Eaglecrest.

~*~ People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. ~*~

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

27 posted 2014-03-01 07:56 AM

Good morning Lori, I do believe this latest edit has everything you need to mark it okay to read to the fine folks at Eaglecrest.

~*~ People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. ~*~

Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius

since 2009-10-10

Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere

28 posted 2014-03-01 11:08 AM

Okay, Okay, OKAY!!! sheech Louise!I'm not deaf, just undiciplined in my craft.

Lori

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

29 posted 2014-03-01 12:22 PM

Yeah. I know. I know. I know.

~*~ People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. ~*~

Michael

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-13

Posts 7666
California

30 posted 2014-03-01 03:01 PM

Just a little note, Lori... I have always noticed the rhymes in your poetry. I think they are part of what makes your poetry "you."

I wouldn't go changing to please anyone, but then I am a stubborn old goat when it comes to my pen. Will post a poem about changing your "style" when I get home later.

Michael

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

31 posted 2014-03-01 04:20 PM

Couldn't agree more, Michael.

~*~ People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. ~*~

Jack Napes
Member

since 2014-02-22

Posts 290
Phaedra's Womb

32 posted 2014-03-01 04:43 PM

Who's going to bury the horse?

Touch, but don't look

jwesley
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-04-30

Posts 7563
Spring, Texas

33 posted 2014-03-01 07:04 PM

Ha! My one-time stab in the dark for this because I can't (I say - CAN'T) rhyme - or any other good stuff - entirely your words, even the last two lines (which you implied...) Sorry, best I can do.

j.

Eaglecrest
where ten years have passed
down these decorated halls
where the atmosphere
is delightfully scented
where residents are quite contented
matched up with tablemates
laughing and talking
about their day
because there's always a puzzle
with a clue
exercises and entertainments too
and a cheerful dependable staff
enjoying what they do

Eaglecrest
remains the same
through changes
one and all
and everyone knows
we wouldn't have it
any other way
because at Eaglecrest
everyone does the best they can do
friends and family
and visitors too.

Lori Grosser Rhoden
Member Patricius

since 2009-10-10

Posts 10202
Fair to middlin' of nowhere

34 posted 2014-03-01 07:58 PM

Hey I like that version too! I appreciate the help. Like it takes a village, eh?

Lori

JerryPat2
Member Laureate

since 2011-02-06

Posts 16975
South Louisiana

35 posted 2014-03-01 10:55 PM

Talk about different versions, huh?

~*~ People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. ~*~

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