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Open Poetry #42
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kudanesh
Member
since 2007-12-01
Posts 135
Peterborough,England

0 posted 2008-03-17 08:17 AM



Sorry MUM

Sorry for the pain I cause
and for all I took that was yours
I love you more than the blue sky
and the sun on sandy saws

I aim this write
To bring my sorrow to light
For all the things that I did wrong
and all those things I never did right

I am so sorry
and I know all you do is worry
For my health and safety
and when I was late for work you made me hurry

When I was late
It put you in a state
that you didn't want to be
and I want to wipe the slate

Because of my actions
and my seditions
I know this cant happen
under no circumstance or condition

So I submit this to you
An apology for all that I do
and all that I have done
I know you’re sorry for some things to

What I did you did not disserve
After all you did was serving
So I am sorry for that
I can’t believe I had the nerve

But I also thank you for what you have done
I'm sorry I was not a better sun
but there one thing
I would wish for no other mum

sorry for all the pain I cause
and for all that I took that was yours
I love you more than the blue sky
and the sun on sandy saws

[This message has been edited by kudanesh (03-17-2008 11:49 AM).]

© Copyright 2008 Andrew Hull - All Rights Reserved
Robert E. Jordan
Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
1 posted 2008-03-17 10:07 AM


Kudanesh,

I would break this up a bit with punctuation, and avoid starting each line with a cap.

Bobby

effjayel
Senior Member
since 2007-09-30
Posts 1474
At the Crossroads of Infinity
2 posted 2008-03-17 11:48 AM


I agree with Bobby, I'd also suggest you use the spellcheck facility prior to posting. Also, should sandy saws be sandy shores?  
Robert E. Jordan
Member Rara Avis
since 2008-01-25
Posts 8541
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
3 posted 2008-03-17 12:40 PM


Kudanesh,

Well that's better.  You're well on your way.

Watch the spelling of some words.  You are a "son" not a "sun" in the line:

"I'm sorry I was not a better sun"

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself, you're a good guy.  Keep that in mind.

Bobby

Margherita
Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236
Eternity
4 posted 2008-03-17 12:56 PM


Dear Andrew, nice to find you here today. This is a wonderful hearfelt write to your Mom, I am sure you are a good son and one who can say "sorry Mom" deserves all the love and appreciation of this world. I enjoyed your poem very much.

You will solve the spelling problem, don't worry, ask someone close to you to go through the text together.

Love,
Margherita

Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080
Realm of Supernatural
5 posted 2008-03-17 03:48 PM




HAPPY ST.PATRICK'S DAY


ARCTIC WIND

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