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Passions in Poetry

Crime of madness

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Grinch
Member Elite
since 12-31-2005
Posts 2710
Whoville


0 posted 11-06-2006 06:07 PM       View Profile for Grinch   Email Grinch   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Grinch


Madness is the crime they tied to me
With steel frame beds in wards of white
In jacket straight and laced to feed
Me Methadone three times a night.
Wire doors all locked and bolted tight
But nightmares find you as you sleep
On steel beds in jacket straight.
Sharp talons tear my eyes that deep
Down cannot find the tears to weep
And breathing is a cursed disease
In steel jacket beds laid straight
By nurses bleached as wards to ease
My sanity passed doors and keys.
Starch angels, beds, straitjackets steal,
Steel Angels starching jacket beds;
My taloned eyes too hurt to heal
My madness and the crimes it ties to me.
© Copyright 2006 Grinch - All Rights Reserved
emy
Junior Member
since 11-04-2006
Posts 32


1 posted 11-06-2006 07:24 PM       View Profile for emy   Email emy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for emy

Hi Grinch,

just noticed that you encourage crits, so if you don't mind them coming from the reading public.


Madness is the crime they tied to me
With steel frame beds in wards of white
In jacket straight and laced to feed
Me Methadone three times a night.
Wire doors all locked and bolted tight
But nightmares find you as you sleep

( perfect iambic tetrameter)

On steel beds in jacket straight.

(this reads iamb-trochee-trochee(scratches head, straight is a stressed word so it can't be hypermetric I don't know what it's called)

Sharp talons tear my eyes that deep

(I wonder if a comma after eyes mightn't help the meaning, I keep stopping at deep and being surprised by the down in the following line)

Down cannot find the tears to weep
And breathing is a cursed disease

(so far all perfect Iambic tetrameter)

In steel jacket beds laid straight

( would this be iamb, trochee,trochee, don't know what the straight here would be called)


By nurses bleached as wards to ease
My sanity passed doors and keys.
Starch angels, beds, straitjackets steal,
Steel Angels starching jacket beds;
My taloned eyes too hurt to heal
My madness and the crimes it ties to me.


I hope I got the scansion right, I really feel as though I'm meter dead, and I'm new here, so if what I wrote is a lod of rubbish I wont be hurt if you say so, so long as you tell me the right answers  

I loved this poem btw,  the poppy field pantoum stole my heart, its a real beauty and this one is too.

I love the way you play with words, using jacket in diff ways and angels and sanity. The last line I think could be different, more refreshing, it felt like the typical ending to a tale.

cheers
emy
ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis
since 02-22-2002
Posts 9456
Michigan, USA


2 posted 11-07-2006 08:06 PM       View Profile for ThisDiamond   Email ThisDiamond   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit ThisDiamond's Home Page   View IP for ThisDiamond

Certainly, my critique is by far inadequate...I don't know all the formalities, but the flow of this was magnificent...and when I hit a lull...it gave power to the point.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


3 posted 11-07-2006 08:23 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

I am not so good a judging the form, but I'm prolly an expert on the content.

It's a little less clinical than that and a whole lot more painful.

(Methadone withdrawals feel like your skin is on inside out. *wince*)

Actually, on second thought, maybe it was just less clinical for me.

Well done Grinch.

TomMark
Member Elite
since 07-27-2007
Posts 2111
LA,CA


4 posted 01-06-2008 09:48 PM       View Profile for TomMark   Email TomMark   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for TomMark

tooo real a picture. Love the poem but hate the content. (it touched my heart)
 
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