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semperfi2651
New Member

since 2006-10-26

Posts 4

0 posted 2006-10-26 07:26 PM

I wrote this for someone special and just wanted to get some feedback from knowledgeable critics. I don't consider myself a poet.

The Ship at Sea (just made title up)

In a moment of reflection, I asked God for a sign.
To enlighten me with knowledge of my mate divine.
I trotted out ready to prance;.. for my sign, my mate, my true loves glance.
Unexpected as it was, my plan went awry
As the clouds seemed to part, and the suns rays shone through the gloomy sky.
A radiant wave engulfed your entire visage;
I saw true beauty and was completely in awe.
Since then I have chased you; and have been rebuked once or twice
But you have remained my best friend, and I must try thrice
My only hearts desire is to hold you close
Whispering in your ears that you; only you mean the most.
You pierce both my heart and my carefully contrived veil;
That I’ve learned to employ only to keep wind in my sail.
No man is perfect or so the cliché goes
Then explain why for only you, I yearn to shed my imperfect woes
I’ve known you for years and admired you from afar
I imagined you beside me when I gaze upon the stars.
We’ve both dated others; yet mine are never pure
They fall dreadfully short of your beauty, wisdom, and allure.
So now whence I try to put myself to sleep,
I think of some great deed that will make me be the one you keep.
You said that I sometimes have the power to make you feel good
I long so bad to be the one, if only I could.

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-02-22

Posts 9353
Michigan, USA

1 posted 2006-10-26 08:15 PM

Welcome to Passions...
It's funny how, we go through that...don't go too far; but don't come too close thing.
Enjoyed your poem. Made me think of someone quite amazing, that I miss dearly.
TD

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-02-22

Posts 9353
Michigan, USA

2 posted 2006-10-29 12:15 PM

May all your wishes reach the top.

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

3 posted 2006-10-30 04:36 PM

Enjoyed...James

Interloper

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-06

Posts 8369
Deep in the heart

4 posted 2006-10-30 04:40 PM

I see nothing wrong with what you wrote. In fact, I like it a lot since it was from the heart.
Keep hitting that beach and it will be taken, leatherneck!

Fool, said my Muse to me, look in thy heart and write.

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