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gypsyheartx
Member

since 2006-02-09

Posts 104
Istanbul-Turkey/U.S.-Maryland

0 posted 2006-10-15 12:20 PM

whisper;
for it took only a breath to vanquish fate's flame
your everlasting remembrance
only seeks you now
in those worn out places
you sink to when your low,
when your sick of worn out faces
minds travel to summers of old,
when love could cleanse a tempered soul
and rid you of your hearts torments
that brought you here today
over the edge as if demons had wings
while all you ever wanted glimmers;
in feverish dreams fathomed upon nightfall
hope is of the essence
but essence washed away,
along with all the memories
that brought you here today.

~Miranda~

Sarkany
Junior Member

since 2006-10-14

Posts 32

1 posted 2006-10-15 12:43 PM

Hi

This poem is filled with wonderful emotion expressed in eloquent lines. What is missing is punctuations like full stops. As is, the poem tends to run on as if all these wonderful words came out in an ungovernable torrent. Breaking up the lines may also improve readability.

Sarkany

gypsyheartx
Member

since 2006-02-09

Posts 104
Istanbul-Turkey/U.S.-Maryland

2 posted 2006-10-15 12:49 PM

Hello, Thanks for the comment. Yes, I agree with you I wrote this in a whiz of emotions so I have to go back and edit all of the punctuation. Do you have any specific ideas for fixing the flow of the lines? Any help would be greatly appreciated

Thanks
~Miranda~

Sarkany
Junior Member

since 2006-10-14

Posts 32

3 posted 2006-10-15 01:04 AM

Hi

Whisper;

It took a breath to vanquish fate's flame,
your everlasting remembrance.

Only seeks you now
In those worn out places
you sink to, when your low,
when your sick of worn out faces.

Minds travel to summers of old,
when love could cleanse a tempered soul
and rid you of your hearts torments
that brought you here today.

Over the edge
as if demons had wings
while all you ever wanted glimmers
in feverish dreams fathomed upon nightfall
hope is of the essence.

Yet, the essence washed away,
along with all the memories
that brought you here today.

~Miranda~

Something like this. What do you think?

Sarkany

gypsyheartx
Member

since 2006-02-09

Posts 104
Istanbul-Turkey/U.S.-Maryland

4 posted 2006-10-15 01:06 AM

I like that a lot... It creates more of a clear flow in the piece. Thank you very much, I'll defintely take these corrections into consideration

Sarkany
Junior Member

since 2006-10-14

Posts 32

5 posted 2006-10-15 01:12 AM

Hi

It is nothing but a trifle
Your poem was delightful
Or at least, an eye full

Sarkany

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