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Open Poetry #39
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Corn, Laundering in the Breeze
| Open Poetry #39 |
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Corn, Laundering in the Breeze |
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miscellanea Member Elite
since 2004-06-24
Posts 4060OH |
The stone washed khaki with arms tipping away the breeze stand humbly in the fields awaiting their destiny. Their ears once listened to the crackling of their growth; the stalks are glistening from the sunlight's golden strokes. To the mud and stubble neighboring fields have all but gone; Soy bean plants shrivel while cornstalks whistle their accepting song: "Through Autumn breeze we'll shift and fall among the piles of jumping leaves; Born of dust, with dust we'll die, Leaving behind our seed. Leaving golden seed." [This message has been edited by miscellanea (10-07-2006 11:05 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 Cathy Farmer - All Rights Reserved | |||
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Hey missie! First a big fluffy hug for you!  (actually I am more squishy than fluffy, but...oh well  )I liked this bunches, and I see that you have your constructive critique flag on, so if you don't mind, I'll try to delicately point out a couple of places where I did a double-take. (And forgive me for my hesitent manner too, critique outside of CA is always a delicate matter, and I want to state very emphatically that I am not an expert, and have no desire to re write anyone's work, nor do I wish to hurt anyone's feelings, k?) I love seasonal poems, most especially autumn--perhaps it is because I am a tad autumnal myself?  I just read a poem with double spaced lines that I felt didn't work for that piece--I'm happy to say I don't feel the same way about yours. Reading double spaced lines does lend a certain airiness to the work in my own mind's eye, and that only added to the overall effect of your tone. Nicely done. I stumbled over "their destinies"--but only by my own confusion over what is the correct plural of destiny. I am not sure, but I'm certain someone out there more proficient with grammar will let us know. I loved the second stanza here: "Their ears once listened to the crackling of their growth; the stalks are glistening from the sunlight's golden strokes." again, nice shift of the visual to hint of personification. I like personification alot. I stumbled a bit on the third verse: "To the mud and stubble neighboring fields have all but gone; Soy bean plants shrivel while mildewing stalks whistle their accepting song:" I think it was the "mildewing" that got to me, it just felt out of place, too many syllables and oddly stressed in the context I think--but as I said, I am no expert and I'm just learning too. The song they sing, that you quite properly introduced with your colon and encased in quotes is lovely, and since it is their, sung by your pen, I believe it is entirely your prerogative. Therefore, I wouldn't dream of being so bold as to dictate to you what you hear the corn singing. *grin* (Nobody gets to tell me what the rice crispies whisper either. *laughing*) But all in all, I do think this is a lovely presentation, and yep, I stumbled on it a couple of times, but as I noted to a friend, sometimes what is deemed an error of meter is the error of the voice of the reader and interpretation. I read you more often than I let on, and I would like to say that what I have read shows steady progress in quality, which tells me you put much thought and care into your choices. Thanks so much for allowing me to blather on like this. You've been lovely to me and I would hope that I can return the favor. (And by the way, this fits a current challenge from the very gracious Poet DeVine--although I am not sure if she intended inanimate objects to be included in her "A Day In the Life challenge, I thought utilizing an inanimate object for the challenge would be a great exercize in personification.) Happy Autumn to you, and I hope the weather there is lovely, as it is here. Thanks for the read, and permission to offer my humble opinion regarding your poem. Love to you. MUAH  Enjoyed. |
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miscellanea Member Elite
since 2004-06-24
Posts 4060OH |
Ah... gee, thanks... Ya know, the two things you mentioned were not in there initially. I should have gone with my first run probably. Speaking of running, I forgot I have a dinner date! Catch you later, Miss Serenity. Thank you, for the feedback! misc |
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miscellanea Member Elite
since 2004-06-24
Posts 4060OH |
Back to you, Serenity. Enjoyed tea time, and now will revise and edit. I'm still not sure of the word, "destinies". It is spelled that way in the dictionary, but my question about it was really stemming from the first line where I used the word khaki. "The stone washed khaki with arms tipping away the breeze stand humbly in the fields while awaiting their destinies." I wondered if khaki should have been plural; may be it is plural--idk. (I didn't find its plural in my dictionary.) I suppose it would be ok if one defined khaki as color; if this poet defined it as clothing, then, I think it should be plural because there are many clothed stalks in the field. I'm open for discussion! |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
You, are incredibly kewl. and hey? I liked the khaki...  it worked for me in Crowley and it'll work for me here too!  Hugs you |
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miscellanea Member Elite
since 2004-06-24
Posts 4060OH |
Serenity, I confess my ignorance: Crowley? Crow-ley among cornfields? ok... I'm going to have to look it up! Not so sure about the hyphenation...does it detract? MisC |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
wince Crowley...it's rice The rice capital of the world, self-proclaimed. I did wonder if they consulted any of the Eastern Countries though. and sheesh, ask Jo. I'm goofy when I'm tired. nite nite |
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iliana Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434USA |
Miss C., I was homesick before, but now it's really hurting. I wanna come home and smell the season and watch the leaves fall. Loved the poem! *hugs*....jo |
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Honeybunch Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-29
Posts 7115South Africa |
Really enjoyed the visuals, misc. especially from the concrete jungle I find myself in - wish some of it would have remained as dust but - sigh - one can't hold progress back. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Smiling at all of the interaction that this poem is harvesting  As for the double spaces between lines? Well, those are simply word rows, are they not?  Enjoyed this, m'friend. |
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The Lady Member Rara Avis
since 2005-12-26
Posts 7634The Southwest |
I love the "arms tipping away the breeze" it's an excellent autumn poem misc... |
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ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
You had me spellbound with laundering in the breeze. Read your comments, and love that you are loved so very much! So creative, the way laundry and corn fields have kindred spirit. You have a fine talent lady. TD |
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Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
I love Autumn, and I love the way I could see the rows of corn, tipping to and fro in the wind. Lovely, lovely write Misce~ |
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Copperbell Senior Member
since 2003-11-08
Posts 956 |
I enjoyed this too! It's been awhile since I've had time to read here. It's so refreshing to see creativity again. loved your title! |
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miscellanea Member Elite
since 2004-06-24
Posts 4060OH |
Thank you for sharing your feedback. I am glad you enjoyed... miscellanea |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
I loved the title... and was completely enchanted by the time I finished the first verse. *S* Excellent! |
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vandana
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463USA |
good read  |
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