»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #39
»
Tragic
| Open Poetry #39 |
|
Tragic |
|
|
Kira Aso Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 351Closer to Hell... |
“I sit alone and hang my head Still hearing words left unsaid Sitting on a swing drifting in a dream And I feel myself holding back a scream Falling off a cliff and into insanity Is this what they call a calamity? Tragic, that is what he called me Tragic, that is what you see The tears that stain my face are tinted red My heart is locked away and my eyes are dead”. |
||
| © Copyright 2006 Kira Aso - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Kira Aso Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 351Closer to Hell... |
I don't know why but the more I look at this the more I hate it. It's not the best but maybe it's not the worst. Tell me if you think of a way to fix it up a bit. Hugs and Hershey bars for all!!! |
||
|
Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
The second couple of stanza are almost quasi contradictory. (something very small is off when I am picturing) And the First of the last couple stana's is one I hear allot, but I don't hate it. Try waiting a few days and take out a dictionary and thesaurus and that might solve what you feel is off. I really hate doing these becouse I know I am ripping apart poeples babies. I don't do this often. Over all the flow is nice and kinda like a dark lulaby. I Kind of get that you wanted to say something else in the second set, but I am not which of the two stanza's it was. This will be a difficult one to fix, because it seems like it is in meter. But I am sure you can fix it. Sometimes I go back and mess with old poems to improve them. I wouldn't (and I don't) Hate this one it's not a bad poem. And I can tell you of a few poems I have done recently That I plan on redoing because the transitions are funky. -Juju -<>-~-<>-~-<>- * Juju * -<>-~-<>-~-<>- |
||
|
Kira Aso Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 351Closer to Hell... |
Thanx Juju I see what you mean (That's why I hated it, it didn't make much sense) Dumb me! I'll probably take it down later since I really have no idea how to improve it. Thank you lots! |
||
|
sandgrain Member Elite
since 1999-09-21
Posts 3662Sycamore, IL, USA |
I really enjoyed this. My only suggestions would be to leave "and" out of lines #4 & #5. Rae |
||
|
Kira Aso Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 351Closer to Hell... |
Thank you Rae for the suggestion. (So it's not that bad?) It's really not my style at all...(This is pretty old) I've been posting really old poetry I did when I was in the 9th grade (Like Shooting Star) and a few others... I have writers block right now so I'm just posting older stuff. (I'm always nervous about sharing new poems!) |
||
|
Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
Don't take it down It really is not bad. -<>-~-<>-~-<>- |
||
|
The Lady Member Rara Avis
since 2005-12-26
Posts 7634The Southwest |
Kira the point is... you're writing and that's good don't be afraid to post your new stuff I would like to read it... |
||
|
Juju Member Elite
since 2003-12-29
Posts 3429In your dreams |
Exactly. If you don't risk to be different and put your self out there you will never grow. I am not as angry as I use to be, and I am slightly uninspired but I still write. It is what I love to do. You can't expect perfection, Just be you and have your voice. Rhyming and meter doesn't make good poetry, but voice and "being out there" does. Don't be so critical. Just be yourself in your poetry. That is what matters. I have been published beleive it or not, and it is my opinion that it is because of my voice that poeple read my poetry. As for posting the best on this site. I don't post my best poetry. I throw most of those away. I am always afraid of poeple stealing my work. (Cause it happened twice), so don't worry about it. -Juju -<>-~-<>-~-<>- |
||
|
Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
Kira, such a sad write. Your closing words were especially "tragic". "My heart is locked away and my eyes are dead" Sounds like you need a big, warm, comforting hug! ~ so I am sending one your way!  EA |
||
|
Kira Aso Member
since 2006-09-26
Posts 351Closer to Hell... |
I'm shocked I got this many comments. (Picking myself off the floor) Thankyou for all the kind words and all the encouragment you've all given me. Thanx for the hug Earth Angel! Lots of Hugs and Hershey bars for all!!!! |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
