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Triskaidekaphobia
Member

since 2003-02-05

Posts 251
In a state of disrepair...

0 posted 2006-09-30 10:02 AM

You're still dancing 'til you drop.
You don't know what you've got.

A burning gravitas
that'll never ash.
A perfect personality
that separates reality
Then easily discards

You're holding all the cards.
Covering those yards
until the day is done
when the night's begun

You don't see your own heart
You're dancing from the start

Now that time has seen the sun
drop with eyes upon the clock.
Well I found that I'm having fun.
I'm feeling fine so I won't stop.

And over there's you.
You're tapping out the tune
with eyes a pretty blue,
they're blazing like the moon

You're dancing from the start.
You don't see your own heart

A burning gravitas
that'll never ash.
A perfect personality
that separates reality
then easily discards.

You're still dancing 'til you drop.
You don't know that you're not
human like us.

"The world won't end in darkness, it'll end in family fun
With Coca Cola clouds behind a Big Mac sun."

One God by The Beautiful South

aziza
Member Elite

since 2006-07-09

Posts 2995
Lumpy Oatmeal makes me Crazy!

1 posted 2006-10-10 12:01 PM

This poem is interesting. I really like how it reads -- I have read it like three times now and keep coming back to it.

Good job.
a

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

2 posted 2006-10-11 08:18 PM

I met some woman that I didn't think were human...they showed me how human I was...James

Kira Aso
Member

since 2006-09-26

Posts 351
Closer to Hell...

3 posted 2006-10-12 09:47 AM

I love this!!! (Read five times already!)
Very interesting indeed.

INclan
Senior Member

since 1999-07-20

Posts 1024
Indiana, USA

4 posted 2006-10-12 12:32 PM

Interesting...can you set it to music?

INclan

The Lady
Member Rara Avis

since 2005-12-26

Posts 7634
The Southwest

5 posted 2006-10-12 06:01 PM

great poem Tris
and this line...

"A burning gravitas
that'll never ash"

Pilgrimage
Member Elite

since 2001-12-04

Posts 3945
Texas, USA

6 posted 2006-10-13 01:21 PM

Oh, I like this one very much. I like the rhythm and the feel, and the repetition works. The last 2 lines are a killer. Great stuff. As for 'constructive critique' all I could say is that in this line:"Well I found that I'm having fun." it reads smoother to me to say 'I am' but that's probably just me.

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

Triskaidekaphobia
Member

since 2003-02-05

Posts 251
In a state of disrepair...

7 posted 2006-10-14 09:09 PM

Thanks for the replies people. Very kind of you.

INclan I wish I could set it to music. Unfortunately I have the musical ability of a dead mouse.

"The world won't end in darkness, it'll end in family fun
With Coca Cola clouds behind a Big Mac sun."

One God by The Beautiful South

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