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Open Poetry #39
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cbautista
Junior Member
since 2006-09-13
Posts 38


0 posted 2006-09-14 10:25 PM


Seconds tick down
Into minutes, wafting down
Into hours, flowing down
Into a day, dribbling down
Into the sunset, sinking low

Up rises the virginal moon
Into vast empty skies
Trickling back into the horizon
Where the twin awakens
Rays soaring into open fields
Of blue
And all the while...

Seconds ticks down
Into minutes, wafting down
Into hours, flowing down
Into days then dribbling down
Into the sunset sinking low
Along the horizon.

Again, any criticism is welcome.


© Copyright 2006 Catherine Bautista - All Rights Reserved
aziza
Member Elite
since 2006-07-09
Posts 2995
Lumpy Oatmeal makes me Crazy!
1 posted 2006-09-30 12:57 PM


I love this.

Seconds ticks down
Into minutes, wafting down
Into hours, flowing down
Into days then dribbling down
Into the sunset sinking low

I love this poem.

aziza

miscellanea
Member Elite
since 2004-06-24
Posts 4060
OH
2 posted 2006-09-30 01:51 AM


I like your precision in sequencing, both in time and the progression of -ing verbs.  Neat!   The way you wrote it, it caused me to linger over the words...

misc

Dark Stranger
Member Patricius
since 2001-03-19
Posts 13631
West Coast
3 posted 2006-09-30 12:56 PM


a trickle of wet
down over stone
shimmering images

and time too in mind
enjoyed it

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