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Passions in Poetry

Black Hole

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Local Rebel
Member Ascendant
since 12-21-1999
Posts 5742
Southern Abstentia


0 posted 08-30-2006 10:01 PM       View Profile for Local Rebel   Email Local Rebel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Local Rebel

I write you letters
but they fall into the void
I call your number
still I hear no voice

Do I fear the worst
that some evil now befalls you
or is it more the worse
that now I just apall you?

I'm falling into a black hole
falling into a black hole
you're the center of the universe
and nothing escapes you

You wore a white dress
when you were just nineteen
and we ate French soup
and drank wine
and that night you were a tease
remember how we danced
and kissed in the wind?
and said we'd always be friends

I'm falling into a black hole
falling into a black hole
without you there's no sun
and no life

I have to hear it
it has to fall from your own lips
and I'll turn and walk away
and say we're passing ships

and I'll sleep at night
and my dreams will understand
but the only way
to hear it is firsthand

I'm falling into a black hole
falling into a black hole
into the mourning star
nothing escapes you


(this is only a drill -- merely some lyrics I was working on -- some things are apocryphal)
© Copyright 2006 Local Rebel - All Rights Reserved
seraphin
Senior Member
since 09-24-2000
Posts 997
Michigan


1 posted 08-30-2006 10:04 PM       View Profile for seraphin   Email seraphin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for seraphin

Very, very nice for being "only a drill". I love the refrain, it flows easy, some excellent imagery. I think it's great.

Sandra
The Lady
Member Rara Avis
since 12-26-2005
Posts 7633
The Southwest


2 posted 08-30-2006 10:47 PM       View Profile for The Lady   Email The Lady   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for The Lady


"kissed in the wind?"

I agree with Sandra.
Very nice...
Local Rebel
Member Ascendant
since 12-21-1999
Posts 5742
Southern Abstentia


3 posted 08-30-2006 10:49 PM       View Profile for Local Rebel   Email Local Rebel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Local Rebel

Thanks, and, it's not like I never fell into a black hole myself..

but personally -- I'll probably rewrite this before ever using it... if I ever do
Midnitesun
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since 05-18-2001
Posts 29020
Gaia


4 posted 08-30-2006 11:00 PM       View Profile for Midnitesun   Email Midnitesun   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Midnitesun

you are..
the center
of the universe;
nothing escapes you

well, that is definitely someone
who got your attention
right smack dab in the middle
the core, where you live


Local Rebel
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since 12-21-1999
Posts 5742
Southern Abstentia


5 posted 08-30-2006 11:20 PM       View Profile for Local Rebel   Email Local Rebel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Local Rebel

and died several times...

forgot to mention -- it's a Spaghetti Western type tune.
Pilgrimage
Member Elite
since 12-04-2001
Posts 3905
Texas, USA


6 posted 08-31-2006 10:08 AM       View Profile for Pilgrimage   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Pilgrimage

I really like the befall you/appal you bit.  And I like the way you use the black hole image.  You should substitute something else for the worst/worse rhymes though.  Worst could go well with curst or first either one.  Anyhow, I enjoyed this one.  

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

Martie
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since 09-21-1999
Posts 28608
California


7 posted 08-31-2006 01:16 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

Hi Reb!!  I like the all over romantic feel to this.  If it is not real, you must have looked into the hearts of a few who feel this.  Psssst....would make a great song!!
Joyce Johnson
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Member Patricius
since 03-10-2001
Posts 10059
Washington State


8 posted 08-31-2006 01:34 PM       View Profile for Joyce Johnson   Email Joyce Johnson   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Joyce Johnson

Very nice and it looks finished to me.  Joyce
LeeJ
Member Patricius
since 06-19-2003
Posts 13093
SE PA


9 posted 08-31-2006 01:36 PM       View Profile for LeeJ   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LeeJ

now isn't that just like life is...but the memories are awesome

agreeing here with Martie...

a great song!
serenity blaze
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since 02-02-2000
Posts 28839


10 posted 08-31-2006 06:41 PM       View Profile for serenity blaze   Email serenity blaze   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for serenity blaze

sometimes, despair is a catalyst...



SEA
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since 01-18-2000
Posts 24152
with you


11 posted 08-31-2006 07:33 PM       View Profile for SEA   Email SEA   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SEA

this brought tears to my eyes...when you sing it, send it to me...please? I love this.
Neotec
Member
since 08-22-2006
Posts 112


12 posted 08-31-2006 10:01 PM       View Profile for Neotec   Email Neotec   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Neotec

Say's alot
Of how
I feel right now
Local Rebel
Member Ascendant
since 12-21-1999
Posts 5742
Southern Abstentia


13 posted 08-31-2006 10:52 PM       View Profile for Local Rebel   Email Local Rebel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Local Rebel

Well I'm glad? everyone likes it -- but, um.. it isn't moi... if I ever pick it up again it would be to arrange for someone else... maybe -- unless I can think of something but, I'm not likely to spend any more time on it.

Yeah Martie -- like I said... I've been in black holes before -- so I know how it feels - but I was really using this as a metaphor for something else right now that's frustrating the crap out of me too...

Nan.. I understand perhaps not liking worst and worse -- it was originally worst and worst... um.. but, I don't understand your solution either -- because it's a dillema between two bad things -- is it worse that something happened to her?  or is it worse if she's fine and just rejects me?  (of course that's the protagonist's question not knowing.. myself knowing that the former trumps the latter for fact)

any other idears?  any and all suggestions always welcome...

blazey -- sometimes a wall is just a wall... is just a wall... I'll keep marching and blowing.. but mostly blowing.
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


14 posted 09-01-2006 07:02 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

"it's a Spaghetti Western type tune."

Now all I can hear is the GB&U theme song...so I guess you're just going to have to send me the music behind the words so this itch to hear it can be relieved....

puhleeze?



With a pretty on top?



iliana
Member Patricius
since 12-05-2003
Posts 13488
USA


15 posted 09-07-2006 03:36 AM       View Profile for iliana   Email iliana   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for iliana

Like this a bunch, Hawke.  Would like to hear the tune, too.  Black holes....familiar territory.   ....jo
luminosity
Senior Member
since 11-18-2005
Posts 758


16 posted 09-20-2006 04:23 PM       View Profile for luminosity   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for luminosity


at least if you are writing, then you are still kicking.......

oh...I like it...I have been too near black holes myself to not understand this all too well
Lady In White
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Member Elite
since 02-12-2001
Posts 2919
USA


17 posted 02-04-2007 01:52 PM       View Profile for Lady In White   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lady In White

Y'know, we've been missing your recent writings...

come share.

TNTarzan
Junior Member
since 02-17-2010
Posts 21
Tennessee, USA


18 posted 05-08-2010 07:23 AM       View Profile for TNTarzan   Email TNTarzan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for TNTarzan

Very Nice!
Carolina
Member
since 08-17-2001
Posts 231
Myrtle Beach, SC


19 posted 01-29-2013 04:54 PM       View Profile for Carolina   Email Carolina   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Carolina

I haven't logged into PIP in a couple of years and I don't remember ever reading this, LR.  I miss reading you!  If you ever you come to Myrtle Beach please look me up!  
 
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