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Open Poetry #38
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Black Hole
| Open Poetry #38 |
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Black Hole |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia 
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I write you letters but they fall into the void I call your number still I hear no voice Do I fear the worst that some evil now befalls you or is it more the worse that now I just apall you? I'm falling into a black hole falling into a black hole you're the center of the universe and nothing escapes you You wore a white dress when you were just nineteen and we ate French soup and drank wine and that night you were a tease remember how we danced and kissed in the wind? and said we'd always be friends I'm falling into a black hole falling into a black hole without you there's no sun and no life I have to hear it it has to fall from your own lips and I'll turn and walk away and say we're passing ships and I'll sleep at night and my dreams will understand but the only way to hear it is firsthand I'm falling into a black hole falling into a black hole into the mourning star nothing escapes you (this is only a drill -- merely some lyrics I was working on -- some things are apocryphal) |
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seraphin Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1004Michigan |
Very, very nice for being "only a drill". I love the refrain, it flows easy, some excellent imagery. I think it's great. Sandra |
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The Lady Member Rara Avis
since 2005-12-26
Posts 7634The Southwest |
"kissed in the wind?" I agree with Sandra. Very nice... |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
Thanks, and, it's not like I never fell into a black hole myself.. but personally -- I'll probably rewrite this before ever using it... if I ever do |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
you are.. the center of the universe; nothing escapes you well, that is definitely someone who got your attention right smack dab in the middle the core, where you live  |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
and died several times... forgot to mention -- it's a Spaghetti Western type tune. |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
I really like the befall you/appal you bit. And I like the way you use the black hole image. You should substitute something else for the worst/worse rhymes though. Worst could go well with curst or first either one. Anyhow, I enjoyed this one. Nan (Pilgrim variety) |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Hi Reb!! I like the all over romantic feel to this. If it is not real, you must have looked into the hearts of a few who feel this. Psssst....would make a great song!!  |
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Joyce Johnson
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912Washington State |
Very nice and it looks finished to me. Joyce |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
now isn't that just like life is...but the memories are awesome agreeing here with Martie... a great song! |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
sometimes, despair is a catalyst...  |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
this brought tears to my eyes...when you sing it, send it to me...please? I love this. |
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Neotec Member
since 2006-08-22
Posts 112 |
Say's alot Of how I feel right now |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
Well I'm glad? everyone likes it -- but, um.. it isn't moi... if I ever pick it up again it would be to arrange for someone else... maybe -- unless I can think of something but, I'm not likely to spend any more time on it. Yeah Martie -- like I said... I've been in black holes before -- so I know how it feels - but I was really using this as a metaphor for something else right now that's frustrating the crap out of me too... Nan.. I understand perhaps not liking worst and worse -- it was originally worst and worst... um.. but, I don't understand your solution either -- because it's a dillema between two bad things -- is it worse that something happened to her? or is it worse if she's fine and just rejects me? (of course that's the protagonist's question not knowing.. myself knowing that the former trumps the latter for fact) any other idears? any and all suggestions always welcome... blazey -- sometimes a wall is just a wall... is just a wall... I'll keep marching and blowing.. but mostly blowing. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
"it's a Spaghetti Western type tune." Now all I can hear is the GB&U theme song...so I guess you're just going to have to send me the music behind the words so this itch to hear it can be relieved.... puhleeze?  With a pretty on top? |
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iliana Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434USA |
Like this a bunch, Hawke. Would like to hear the tune, too. Black holes....familiar territory. ....jo |
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luminosity Senior Member
since 2005-11-18
Posts 813 |
 at least if you are writing, then you are still kicking....... oh...I like it...I have been too near black holes myself to not understand this all too well |
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Lady In White
since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799USA |
Y'know, we've been missing your recent writings... come share. |
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TNTarzan Junior Member
since 2010-02-17
Posts 21Tennessee, USA |
Very Nice! |
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Carolina Member
since 2001-08-17
Posts 224Myrtle Beach, SC |
I haven't logged into PIP in a couple of years and I don't remember ever reading this, LR. I miss reading you! If you ever you come to Myrtle Beach please look me up! |
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