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Munda
Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

0 posted 2006-07-27 09:29 AM


Silicone City

Verse:

The evening has fallen - the lights are down low,
The city is ready for the silicone show.
With glittering faces and bodies real tight
The Barbies and Kens dive into the night.
They party, they drink and spread pheromones;
Whatever the night brings, they won't leave alone.
They give all they have in this glamour game,
For tomorrow someone might remember their name.
It's silicone city, their heaven on earth,
A moment of fast love – their moment of flirt.
Pretend! Pretend! Wear your masks with pride!
'Cause should you lose it, there's nowhere to hide!

Chorus:

The blanket of night fell upside-down
On a make believe world in the shadow of town.
Silicone dolls with smooth frozen faces
And muscled studs with beardless grimaces.
They truly believe life is dynamite,
As long as their dreams come true at night,
But when morning comes and they face a new day,
The sword of truth cuts their dreams away.

Verse:

The party was great, she was queen of the night
And XTC took her to mystical heights.
She took him home for some hours of pleasure;
For a while she thought she'd found a treasure.
But when morning comes she feels such a sadness,
When she looks at her trophy from last night's madness.
She was just a toy for this muscled stranger.
Does she care? Her heart was never in danger.
She hates herself for not knowing his name
And feels ashamed for what she became.
She knows deep inside she fears to live the day,
Real people, real feelings – some day she prays.

Chorus:

The blanket of night fell upside-down
On a make believe world in the shadow of town.
Silicone dolls with smooth frozen faces,
And muscled studs with beardless grimaces.
She truly believes life is dynamite,
As long as her dreams come true at night,
But when morning comes and she faces the day,
The sword of truth cuts her dreams away.

Bridge

Final Chorus:

She truly believed life was dynamite,
As long as her dreams came true at night,
But when morning came and she faced a new day,
The sword of truth cut her dreams away.
Real people – real feelings, some day she prays
I'll find the courage to live my days

[This message has been edited by Munda (07-27-2006 11:08 AM).]

© Copyright 2006 Munda - All Rights Reserved
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA
1 posted 2006-07-27 09:58 AM


Hi, munda!

I think this is great! It's an excellent title and you set the scenario well and use great lyrics.

Knowing you as I do, I feel sure you won't mind my pointing out some observations...

The the two choruses, you write:

But when morning comes and they face a new day,
The sword of truth cuts their dreams away.

In the final chorus, you write:

But when morning came and she faced a new day,
The sword of truth cut away her dreams.

which not only deviates from the others but erases the rhyme. Don't know if you did this intentionally.

No matter how hard you try, you're never gonna rhyme faces with grimaces

I think you have an excellent song here. It could be made into something really special. Aside from some meter lapses, you have nailed it very well.

I'd be more than happy to help in any way I can..

Munda
Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands
2 posted 2006-07-27 11:07 AM


Thank you for stopping by and taking time to critique Mike. I highly appreciate it!

"The sword of truth cut away her dreams."
Where was I? dreaming? LOL I shall change it to what it should be.

As for grimaces... I should know better than using a new word without checking how to pronounce it. This heatwave is making me lazy. I guess I've got to find a new rhyme/line uh?
Perhaps I should tell you that I wrote this as lyrics, but without a tune in my head. The person who will probably write music to it and come up with a tune for the singer, has an even weirder mind than I and there's no way of telling how many syllables he will use in a line, therefore I gave up on counting. Heck, I'm only a writer, not a musician!

However, any help you can give me will be more than welcome.

I almost forgot... I wrote the last chorus in past tense on purpose. Perhaps not such a good idea?

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
3 posted 2006-07-27 12:32 PM



This is a result of a heat wave?
A bit of summer sizzle?



Enjoyed the read, m'dear!

Get back to me on that progress!


nakdthoughts
Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200
Between the Lines
4 posted 2006-07-27 06:15 PM


I could hear it as if someone was singing it~~

and such a true write ...

well done

M

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