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Open Poetry #38
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Approximately Yours
| Open Poetry #38 |
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Approximately Yours |
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deasomnians Member
since 2006-06-20
Posts 87California |
"Approximately Yours" I walk this unrelenting, yet so tempting Median road that only I know Bearing parts of my soul from present to past And back again until at last I forget, Until I’m whole again, and yet My knowing eyes like snowing skies Cannot disguise my lack of surprise At obvious lies Dejected, rejected in every sense of the word Knowing hypocrisy means more than A vocabulary term and Jealousy casts its icy glance in return Feeling warmth from no one save the sun In a world where nothing’s slower and Nothing’s over because it was never begun And furtive modesty and honesty are easily outdone No longer hoping to hear those three little words Source of unneeded stress Just two little words, some attempt to confess Some admission of guilt For this game lost its thrill A long time ago As both you and I know I walk the line that divides The truth till the time When somebody finally needs to decide. |
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| © Copyright 2006 deasomnians - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Potatobunny Junior Member
since 2006-07-17
Posts 14 |
I really enjoyed reading the poem and I would even like to read it again. The only thing I would like to point out is that some of the rhymes seemed a bit forced but almost all of them fit really well. I shouldn't really criticize you because you are a way better poet than me lol. -Potatobunny |
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deasomnians Member
since 2006-06-20
Posts 87California |
Thanks, yeah there are a few forced rhymes, that's why i usually avoid rhyming! Welcome to PiPtalk though, it's a cool place. "Nature has implanted in our minds an insatiable longing to seek the truth" - CJCL Convention Theme 2005 |
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The Lady Member Rara Avis
since 2005-12-26
Posts 7634The Southwest |
"Feeling warmth from no one save the sun In a world where nothing’s slower and Nothing’s over because it was never begun" Excellent deasomnians. |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
The title caught my eye, the heartfelt feelings conveyed kept me reading. You have a nice flow, one that doesn't require rhyme. I rarely write any rhyme or structure, it sometimes just happens to land in the poem. LOL. I enjoy completely unstructured free verse as much as tightly rhymed offerings. One edit note: it should read 'baring' as opposed to 'bearing' but most readers and writers won't stumble over that.  BTW, thank you for your gracious comments on my poetry. |
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echotranslation New Member
since 2006-07-12
Posts 3California, US |
I really like it, but it is a bit rhyme-y. -echo |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Enjoyed...James |
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