From Below, Up Through the Birch

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ApeironCalamity
Junior Member

since 2006-07-03

Posts 10
California

0 posted 2006-07-03 04:06 PM

This is my first real try at writing a poem, but I want serious criticisms. Thank you so much..

From Below, Up Through the Birch
by Taylor S.

A thousand branches, overlain,
Ever-reaching something more,
Snapping, breaking, from the strain
Toward the future, out the door.

The winter has now taken toll
On the branches of its life:
Dark and dank and deadly cold,
Exemplifying all the strife.

Expectations
Far too large
For the trunk
To bear
Alone.

The Shallow bark clings so tight
Futilely to keep it warm
As it loses final fight
And the outer shell is torn.

It's time to dream--
Eternal dream--
Suffocated
By the winter
That was all
Forgotten dreams.

A thousand branches, overlain,
Snapping, breaking, from the strain;
Ever-reaching something more,
Toward the future, out the door.

EDIT: Fixed "no" to "now."

[This message has been edited by ApeironCalamity (07-03-2006 05:59 PM).]

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

1 posted 2006-07-03 08:24 PM

AC~
If this was your 'first try' ... can't wait to see more~

WELCOME to PiP~

I don't do 'critique' ... but I know when I like something ... and this I like~

We do have a Critical Analysis Forum if you are seriously interested in some critique~
There is also a place in your Profile to place an indication that you seek critiques~

You can ask to have this one moved to the Critical Analysis Forum if you think you'd like to do that ... or just let us get to know you here in the Open Forum and maybe you can pop your next one down in Critical Analysis~

Read the pennings of others ... reply when you think you'd like to do so~
We are a fantastic poetic circle of some talented folks~

Have a safe and celebratory Fourth of July~

*Huglets*
~*Marge*~

~*The sound of a kiss is not as strong as that of a cannon, but it's echo endures much longer*~
Email - noles1@totcon.com

lokiwolf
Junior Member

since 2006-06-27

Posts 31

2 posted 2006-07-03 10:10 PM

wow! are you sure this was your first try?
Like that was seriuosly your first try?!

wow!
that was really good! I really liked the first paragragh/verse.

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

3 posted 2006-07-03 10:17 PM

Congratulations on a fine write to offer as your opening post. Welcome to the world of poetry!

The Lady
Member Rara Avis

since 2005-12-26

Posts 7634
The Southwest

4 posted 2006-07-03 11:02 PM

The title was lovely and drew me in to an equally lovely work. More please.

Welcome!

latearrival
Member Ascendant

since 2003-03-21

Posts 5499
Florida

5 posted 2006-07-04 12:50 PM

Welcome, trees are my friends. Good writing. martyjo

Krawdad
Member Elite

since 2001-01-03

Posts 2597

6 posted 2006-07-04 12:55 PM

Nice first post.
Welcome!

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

7 posted 2006-07-04 01:49 AM

Welcome to Passions

loved the first poem here, can't wait to read more

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

8 posted 2006-07-04 08:09 AM

quote:
Expectations
Far too large
For the trunk
To bear
Alone.

Poems within poems. Now that is some fantastic writing! Welcome to Passions! As you work your way around, AC, you will find our "Critical Analysis" Forum. You will really enjoy it there. Also, if you wish to have your poetry critiqued regularly, you will find in your profile area a box that suggests you welcome such input.

We're going to like having you and your pen around. Please, check your email for a very special greeting!

" It matters not this distance now " Excerpt, Yesterday's Love
~*~
KRJ

ApeironCalamity
Junior Member

since 2006-07-03

Posts 10
California

9 posted 2006-07-07 11:53 PM

Thank you all so much for your encouragements. I just got back from a vacation and I was inspired in Las Vegas for my next poem, but I'm having a little trouble. I'll probably stop by the workshop in a little while.

I cannot thank you all enough for your wonderful words!

divine chaos
Senior Member

since 2006-07-09

Posts 617
dancing 'neath the moon

10 posted 2006-07-09 01:57 PM

holy schnikeys ... if that was seriously your "first try," I think we can definitely expect great things from you! Awesomely done

Sheli

The artist is nothing without the gift,
but the gift is nothing without work."
- Emile Zola (1840-1902)

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

11 posted 2006-07-09 02:30 PM

A wonderful first post!
Welcome to Passions..
I know you will fit right in here.
~Hugs & Smiles, Nancy~

For it was not into my ear you whispered
But into my heart..
It was not my lips you kissed
But my soul.

aziza
Member Elite

since 2006-07-09

Posts 2995
Lumpy Oatmeal makes me Crazy!

12 posted 2006-07-09 04:50 PM

I read it and I liked it. I read it out loud and I liked it more.

Thank you for sharing -- it is beautiful.

aziza

ApeironCalamity
Junior Member

since 2006-07-03

Posts 10
California

13 posted 2006-07-09 05:57 PM

Thank you! I am a big believer that poetry is meant to be read aloud.

------------------------
Taylor S.
"ApeironCalamity"

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