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Open Poetry #38
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Garth
| Open Poetry #38 |
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Garth |
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Zara14 Junior Member
since 2006-06-27
Posts 11Northen Ireland |
you were cheerfull and happy and always there you didnt mind us annoying you you made us laugh so hard it hurt you lived next door and played your music loud you dyed your hair yellow and pink you took me to the carnivel you stayed at your mums one night and took all her heat pills you fell asleep and didnt wake up you were found be your mother on fathers day you were dressed in a blue shirt and a blue tie you were layed in a coffin you were put in to the ground you were gone and left us all alone you missed so much you didnt tell anyone why you were twennty and had your hole life a head you could have done anything but you killed your self |
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| © Copyright 2006 Zara Mcmillan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poetic Concept Member
since 2006-06-25
Posts 66God's Fingerprint |
SP errors really throw the reader off I think that u should rewrite this after a spell check also I think this poem developed too quick there were too many things happening at once. I liked the story line but it wasnt as dramatic as it was supposed to be the adjectives that where used were melodramatic and boring if I can say that...though I felt an emotion like this could be a true story. I think that u began so strongly that I didnt think it would plummet but it did...all u have to do is raise your game...elevation is the key Return the favor on A Poet...A Pen "How vain it is to sit down and write when u have not stood up to live" |
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Zara14 Junior Member
since 2006-06-27
Posts 11Northen Ireland |
yea i know it is preaty crap i'll fix it as asap |
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