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Exhale
| Open Poetry #38 |
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Exhale |
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soul drifter Senior Member
since 2004-09-08
Posts 711Colorado |
Exhale So. She's gone, AGAIN. but... she's left the light on it's stabbing my eyes out I'm reaching towards "what's it all about?" but I can't feel the air in me can't feel the water in the sea I'm numb, struck dumb and sucking in all my wasted sighs for the state of affairs in need of repair between her and I Just in and out, try and do without it's impossible to conceive and...breathe Sugar and spice please somebody tell me whatever happened to the "everything nice"? Sugar and spice please somebody tell me whatever happened to the "everything nice"? Well, I'm alone, like always. I guess... I guess it cuts me to the bone it's the blood pumping in my veins it's the situation driving me insane lonesome dread of a dream tear the world into scattered beams 'cause I can't see, I can't be who I wanted to be, for you, my dear for the state of mind that I find in loving you, my dear Just in and out, try and live without the shadow remains as she leaves and...breathe Sugar and spice please somebody tell me whatever happened to the "everything nice"? Sugar and spice please somebody tell me whatever happened to the "everything nice"? Inhale... exhale. I'm not sure, but I might be doing well, oh but love, this love, YOUR love bleeds me profusely my mind hangs on to this love loosely trying to find a rhyme to prove it to me, the worth of scarred earth and rainclouds inside me Repair the broken air falling into my lungs so very effortlessly, oh where am I going to, am I going to collide with your memory makes my heart feel sorry we ever let our mouths speak the truth now my insides swell like an aching tooth Oh no, there you go bringing me down big surprise I have to admit I know, just as I regained my breath you'd take it all away from me such a grand theft, like when you left now I'm stretched from sea to black sea trying to regain my crooked rain for you make excuses, 'cause I don't know what to do or what I did to make you kick my guts in and just as I get close to you, fear cuts in Just in and out, try and never doubt the stunning webs she weaves and find a way to breathe Sugar and spice please somebody tell me whatever happened to the "everything nice"? Sugar and spice please somebody tell me whatever happened to the "everything nice"? Throw of the dice please tell me you'll remember the "everything nice" Throw of the dice please tell me you'll remember my heart or I'll think twice before I breathe inhale, exhale... tell me it's not impossible to conceive "Is any song worth singing if it doesn't help?" -- Wilco, 'Wishful Thinking' |
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| © Copyright 2006 Zach Hilgefort - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poetic Concept Member
since 2006-06-25
Posts 66God's Fingerprint |
I think this was good...though I think the repetition inside of this particular piece was a bit annoying...i am not in likeness with a chorus especially in poetry, it is ok in the beginning and end but that is it. I think that most of the concepts in here are a bit cliche but u did have some unique ideas in some places...I think this could use another revision...It is quite long too u should work on shortening this if possible if not dont worry about it...good work...elevation is the key 6.5/10 Return the favor on: Swear to God |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
It's as if you were speaking from my son's heart, who is in such a situation too (see "Parting" if you wish). Breathing is the key! Breathe in peace, exhale tension! I think this is a very good write. Love, Margherita |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
"I'm numb, struck dumb and sucking in all my wasted sighs for the state of affairs in need of repair between her and I" ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ "Repair the broken air falling into my lungs so very effortlessly, oh where am I going to, am I going to collide with your memory makes my heart feel sorry we ever let our mouths speak the truth" ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ "trying to regain my crooked rain for you make excuses, 'cause I don't know what to do or what I did to make you kick my guts in and just as I get close to you, fear cuts in" WHOA! fantastic poem/song  very much enjoyed! I'm keeping this one ‘I want to swim away |
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